The second hand on the clock is broken. I am staring at the hand incessantly as it is spinning out of control. My heart is racing and beads of sweat are collecting on my brow. I have never really dealt with law enforcement before. Well, once when I was a little kid and I stole a pack of chewing gum from a store. The officer gave a stern "if you ever do this again I will have to take you in" warning and sent me on my way. The wrath I received from my Mother was far worse than any juvenile hall I could have been sent to.

But this time, however, the situation is a little bit different. What was I caught doing, you ask? Well, I was found red-handed in a dumpster. Not just any dumpster, mind you. This gold mine happened to be behind a Fortune 100 company. How was I discovered? By sheer stupidity, that's how. Here is my story and recommendations on how not to end up in my situation.

I actually started dumpster diving after hearing several guys discussing the topic at a local 2600 meeting. One kid bragged about how much information he found at a local electronics store. Granted, he also found other cool stuff in the garbage (hard drives, CD-ROMs, software), but what he really wanted was the information. This included telephone directories, lists of user ID's and passwords, invoices, etc. I became even more intrigued with diving after learning this was a method Kevin Mitnick utilized to gain a great deal of his knowledge about companies. So, this is where my dumpster diving career took off.

In the beginning, I practiced in my own neighborhood. It was easy and no one cared if their garbage was missing-they would just blame a raccoon or the neighbor's dog. I would sprint over in the middle of the night and grab just a couple of bags (using gloves of course-safety first!). Sneaking back into the night with the stash, I dove into my garage to inspect the contents.

It is truly amazing what people will throw away without shredding first. I now know my neighbor's credit card, checking account, and social security numbers, as well as what medications they are taking. If I wanted to, I could have had a lot of fun impersonating my new buddies next door. Shopping spree, here I come! Of course, I did not do that. Tempting maybe, but not a good idea. This was just a practice run for the bigger prey, the local retailer.

I began by watching what activities occurred behind the store late at night. I noted when deliveries were made and how often garbage was retrieved from the dumpsters. The information was gathered over a seven-day period to determine any patterns. With this knowledge in hand, I felt confident to make my move.

This time, however, I changed my appearance from amateur cat burglar to "yuppie suburban woman." The attire consisted of a nice dress, high-heeled shoes, and a large, fancy purse. Why would I wear that outfit, you say? Well, who is a cop more likely to believe – a well dressed, attractive woman or someone with pink hair wearing a "got root?" shirt. Give me a break.

Anyway, my first mission was a success. I was able to get some user ID's and passwords, along with a company phone book (and some missing inventory items someone "left" behind the dumpster). All of the loot fit very nicely into my large designer handbag. Now I was pumped and ready to continue my conquest. I set my sights on another local retailer - a competitor of the first store.

The setting was similar, except this time Officer Barbrady, from the local police department, was on a donut run in the neighborhood. He came around the back of the building and shone his spotlight in my direction. I froze like a deer in headlights. Now what do I do?

I am not sure if this was my incredible acting ability or sheer fright, but I started sobbing hysterically. The cop came over and asked what I was doing in the dumpster. Breathlessly, I told him I was in the store earlier in the day and happened to use the restroom. I was recently engaged and had not gone to the jewelers to have my ring sized yet. As I was drying my hands, the ring must have fallen in the trash with the paper towels. I had not noticed it was missing until an hour ago. I called the store and they told me to stop by. When I arrived, no one inside was able to help me but said I was more than welcome to search the trash myself. The cop at that point felt so bad about the incident he then proceeded to help me dig through the garbage! I could not believe he bought my story!

By now, I am feeling indestructible: Queen of the World! It was at this moment when I decided a large company would be the ultimate target. However, this bright idea proved to be my downfall. I was becoming too greedy and confident. The one minor detail I overlooked about big companies is they tend to spend a little more on physical security than your local "Mom and Pop" store. Granted, most companies do have 24x7 guards and security cameras, but unfortunately I found the one rare company where the guards actually watched the monitors (and not through their eyelids).

As I was happily digging through the dumpster, a guard with a flashlight approached. I confidently used the same story from my last successful mission, but somehow it did not work as well with this fine gentleman. So, he brought me in for further questioning. He also played back the tape from the security camera strategically located over the dumpster. At that point, I knew my number was up. I confessed I was looking for information about the company. The guard smiled with glee and ran to call the police.

Now, as I wait for the executioner to sharpen his blade, I will pass along a couple recommendations to you:

1) Carefully stake out your intended target. Note all activity around the dumpster for several days.
2) Have a good disguise and somewhat believable alibi. Social engineering skills are a plus for this step. Also, if you cannot cry on command, either bring pliers to pinch yourself or take acting lessons at the local community college.

All right, you might not like the next list of recommendations, but cut me some slack. The crowd is shouting for my head as the executioner moves toward the stage, so I am not in the best frame of mind. The items below are for our dear, dumpster diving victims:

1) Have shredders in all office areas where they are easy to access and use them! You might not think the documents are sensitive or important, but we do.
2) Empty recycle bins on a daily basis. Cleaning people are paid to take documents out of bins and trashcans by competitors, investigators, etc.
3) General office security: lock desk drawers, laptops and computer desktop when away from your office, even if it is only for a few minutes.
4) Above all, protect yourself at home! Shred everything, no matter how trivial the items may seem. You are very naïve if you think someone is not sifting through your garbage looking for valuable information.

Note: After all the sweat I lost over the police interrogation, absolutely nothing happened. The way the cop and security guard were treating me, I figured a priest would be stopping by to deliver my last rites. What a joke! All the cop did was have me sign some type of no trespassing form. He then said to never return to the property or I could be charged with (gasp!) a misdemeanor.

Since I am not an idiot, I realize the system is working in my favor. To beat the system, I just move from one company to another. You won't be charged and will get tons of great information. Goodbye jail time, hello companies!