Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the third presidential debate between
Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.
The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will
ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to
appeal to undecided women voters.
The opponent will then have one minute to respond
by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting
for him. When a speaker's time has expired,
I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and
then tell us his or her story in a way that strains
the bounds of common sense?
Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
tenderly made love the way we have so often during
the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1
percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to
put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so
they can't hurt old people like Roberta
Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal
organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can
travel to these debates and personify problems for
me. Also, her poodle has arthritis
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
people, crying with them, relieving suffering
anywhere a photo opportunity exists.
I want to empower those crying people to make their
own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is
not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return
to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?
Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal
with that guy and didn't get it done.
If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about
that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our
allies. And then Dick would present me several
options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick
would tell me which one to choose.
You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make
tough foreign policy decisions every day about how
we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who
was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself
lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
that war was over, I came home and tenderly made
love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman
voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I
pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat,
foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad
lockbox. Because the American people deserve a
president who can comfort them with simple
metaphors.
Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the
Social Security system?
Gore
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman
and I have proposed changing the laws of
mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
senior citizen without having it cost the federal
treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over
the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior
citizens can have drugs delivered free to their
homes every Monday by a federal employee who will
also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?
Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of
Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add
up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill
potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit
funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state
fairgrounds.
Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements.
Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
politician, but I will fight for the working
families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for
Tipper and me.
Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past
by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer:
Good night.
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