Remember those old television shows where someone has committed a crime, and there's some nit-wit running behind them yelling, "Citizen's Arrest!!"? Well believe it or not, there is a little truth to this scenario. Now all you heroes out there, sit back, put the guns up and listen well. I'm going to attempt to arm you with the knowledge of the things you can actually arrest your fellow man for. Stay tuned, because this gets pretty interesting.

1. DISORDERLY CONDUCT: In a nutshell, if they cuss, fart, strip, fight or show a weapon… hall 'em in.
2. RIOT: Everyone knows what a riot is, but by law it only takes 7 or more people to be a riot… make sure you arrest everyone.
3. OBSTRUCTING A PUBLIC HIGHWAY OR THROUGHFARE: What?! Basically if they're in your way… see ya!!
4. FALSE ALARM: Everyone's pulled the fire alarm at hotels and school, but after our session today, I'm quite sure all of that shit will stop.
5. SILENT OR ABUSIVE CALLS TO 911, AND INTERFERENCE WITH THE SAME: Now if there is ever one that explains itself, this is it. But be sure to take a look at the Fax Trick #9911
6. HARASSMENT: This one's a little more complex, so examples would be annoying other people by way of note writing, phone calls, or any other type of communication.
7. PUBLIC INTOXICATION: What's that?! That's right - Watch 'em drink, then you can lock 'em up.
8. ABUSE OF A CORPSE OR VENERATED OBJECT: You'll probably never run across this, but a good indicator that this has occurred is a dirty shovel in a graveyard, and a slight possibility that Auntie Mavel didn't climb out by herself.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS/DOG FIGHTING: You know… the 4 legged ones. Be careful with this one because cruelty is an opinion…. Oh, what the hell, call in on 'em anyhow!

But what do I do to affect a citizen's arrest? Thought you'd never ask. All you have to legally do is tell them that they are under arrest. This can be accomplished by simply saying, "You are under arrest." As soon as you have uttered those words they have no legal right to refuse, and all you have to do is call the police or take them yourself. If at that point they try to walk away, you can't legally try to restrain them, but you can add the charge of Evading Arrest. It's all paperwork from there, and you've just bettered your community in your own special way. Now don't you feel better (until the numb-nuts gets out in the morning and kicks your ass that is).