A healthy diet is important for a healthy body. But what can you do when it’s two days before payday and the cupboard is bare? Well, you could get some free food. Today’s corporate power structure does have some advantages. I’m talking here about the policy of “The Customer is Always Right”. Here are a few ways of cashing in on corporate greed.

You should be aware that hundreds if not thousands of people just like you are getting free meals on a regular basis .As a former employee of a major pizza restaurant, I have personally distributed some of that food. Many corporate eateries have very strict regulations governing customer satisfaction. Before I tell you how to actually get the free pizza that your stoned ass craves, here are a few guidelines to keep in mind when attempting to fake out the food police:

1. Be as polite as possible.

Keep in mind that these people will be preparing your food. They have complete control concerning the matter of your continued heath. It is not helpful to annoy the crabby minimum-wage worker behind the counter. It not only ruins their day, but it endangers your digestive system and turns away a possible ally in the quest for free food. Lots of the people you’ll find working at fast food restaurants really don’t give a shit if you eat for free. Use that to your advantage.

2. Never complain until after you have been served your food.

Once again, this will only annoy the employees and ruin your digestive system.

3. Spread it out.

If you really like the food at Taco Bell, that’s fine, but don’t try to continually scam the same restaurant. Eventually they’ll notice, and they’ll cut your freeloading ass off. So how do I get this free shit?

You are at home and you have the munchies, but there is nothing to eat except a moldy bagel and some cheese of questionable origin.

In this situation, I would recommend pizza delivery. Call the pizza establishment of your choice and order a large pizza with all of your favorite toppings. (This may not work at all establishments. My experience is based on working at a pizza place for over four years. Due to possible legal constraints, I will refer to this restaurant as "The Hut") If you have enough money to cover it, order two pizzas. When the pizza arrives, pay the driver and tip him well.

It is important that you tip the driver. Do not attempt to piss off the employees under any circumstance. Pissing off the management is a different story.

After you have received the pizza, wait until the driver has pulled away from your home. Then call the establishment and tell the employee who answers the phone that your pizza is wrong (i.e. I asked for sausage and mushrooms and I received a pepperoni and bacon pizza.) Be sure that the pizza you tell them you received is the one you actually received. The idea is to convince them that the order was taken wrong.

Then, one of two things will happen:

A. The employee (or manager) on the phone will offer you a credit for a free pizza on your next order. This is a great way to plan ahead for future munchies. It sort of works out as a buy 1 get 1 free deal. Accepting a credit for a free pizza also helps you to maintain a good relationship with your pizza distributor and cuts down on your chances of getting botulism.

B. The employee (or manager) on the phone will apologize and offer to send out another pizza free of charge.

DO NOT ACCEPT THE FREE PIZZA IF YOU WANT TO GET YOUR MONEY BACK.

"The Hut" has a policy of 100% customer satisfaction. It is printed right on the pizza box. Even if it is not printed on your box, it is important to claim awareness of this policy. It was advertised in television commercials and printed on their boxes long enough that you can claim to have seen it. The policy is as follows: “It’s right or it’s free”.

Tell the person on the phone that you are too hungry to wait for another pizza to be cooked and delivered to your home. You would simply like them to refund your money in accordance with their policy that it’s right or it’s free. If they give you any trouble, ask them for the customer service number. (Tell them you heard about it from a friend or relative who has experienced the same problem with this unit.) At this point you should begin to sound disgusted. Since you already have your food, it is alright to appear slightly angry. Make a point of telling the person on the phone that you don’t blame them personally, but you are fed up with the situation. (Many employees will remember a repeat customer. If you do not plan on getting food from this unit again, you have more leeway to get pissed off)

Mention of the customer service hotline strikes fear in the hearts of most pizza hut managers. Complaints that are registered on this hotline are shown to the corporate bosses, and too many complaints can cost a manager his job. Chances are excellent that he will give in. Your money will be returned. If you run into a real hard ass, simply call the customer service number and register your complaint. In a worst case scenario, they will send you gift certificates so you can get a free pizza next time. Be sure to tell them that the manager called you a liar and he sounded drunk.

Remember, if it doesn’t work with the first place you try, call someone else next time. With persistence and minimal effort, free pizza is only a phone call away....