Does anyone out there remember a time when politics seemed simple? I sure as hell don’t. Ever since the first caveman crawled out of his hole with an election poster painted on a rock, mankind has been embroiled in an eternal debate over which Neanderthal with a club has the best plan for economic recovery. Thousands of years later, not much has changed. Today’s political rivals are as prehistoric as ever.

There are two major species of political creatures that maintain major positions of power in our society. These are known by their scientific names as Republicanus Corruptus and Democratious Confusious. These creatures have not really evolved much from their humble beginnings as subhuman cave dwellers. I guess it just goes to show that it is impossible to develop eyes if a species spends its entire life in a cave.

How do these creatures maintain their positions in our benevolent modern utopian society? (Do you detect a hint of sarcasm here? I certainly don’t.) Why do we allow ourselves to be beaten over the head and dragged into a cave by these monkeys? Well, the answer is pretty simple. We must like it. At least that’s the only reason that I can see. Of course things have gotten a little more cluttered in the last few hundred years. Ever since that first idiot invented the printing press, thousands (if not millions) of idiots have been improving on the idea. We now have instant access to information via the Internet, the daily newspaper, the magazine, the television, the radio, and the good old public library. I personally believe that this is all part of a plan begun by the first politician to utter the words “you can trust me, I’m one of you”. Still, we have an indisputable power over these bickering fools and their pie graphs. - We can vote them into oblivion.

Voting is an age-old tactic that began in the garden of Eden. It was here that god voted humanity out of a life of peace and harmony into a life of struggle and pain. Basically, he sold us a piece of prime real estate that just happened to be located in a swamp. In exchange, he took our life’s savings; and while he was at it, he took all the fun out of our finite existence and replaced it with a mixture of fear and hatred that is now formally known as the Christian Coalition. Politicians have been using god’s technique to vote us into unpleasant circumstances ever since. Afterall, god was the first politician.

But politicians are not the only species who can vote. We too have the power to vote. For example, colonial Americans voted to kick out the Brits and start their own system of government. Many times, voting takes the form of violent uprisings and bloody revolutions. In our society we have the ability to turn the tables by using information. Voting is a good way to make yourself heard without risking a prison sentence. In order to end the constant threat of violence and the obtrusive nature of government, we must vote.

As far as I can see, there is no way to purge the endless cycle of constantly getting screwed by an inferior species unless we banish these political monstrosities to a small island in the south pacific (Gilligan’s island would do nicely) and take control of the reigns ourselves. But before we can send the USS Minnow out on a permanent three-hour tour, we must first decide what we will put in their place. One of our options is to vote for one of the existing third party candidates that are in existence today.

In choosing a third party candidate it is helpful to keep in mind that some of the contenders posses the same amount of brain capacity (if not less) as their more powerful cousins in Washington. Others may be acceptable. It is impossible to know without doing a little research. Many people complain that third party candidates do not have a realistic chance of winning. Now why do you suppose that people think that? Well, it might have something to do with the fact that most people do not even consider third party candidates. In 1988, George Bush was elected President of the United States by 27.1% of the eligible voters. How the hell can someone win an election with only 27.1% of the eligible popular vote? Well, it might have something to do with the fact that 49.9% of eligible voters didn’t vote. What this means is that if all those people who never showed up to vote would get off their asses, we might have had a different president from 1989 to 1992.

Just remember that in order to change the current system of schoolyard bickering, we must first get off of the playground and learn how to use the available weapons to blast these evolutionary freaks into extinction. It is only then that we will be capable of a society where everyone can be satisfied.

Good luck, and enjoy the hunt.

LINKS

Here's a few places to get started. This list is by no means comprehensive. Remember, some of these people are wackos and some aren't. You'll never know the difference unless you look for yourself.

Green Party
http://www.greenparties.org/
http://www.greens.org/

Reform Party
http://www.reformparty.org/

New Party
http://www.newparty.org/

Socialist Party USA
http://sp-usa.org/

Libertarian Party
http://www.lp.org/

Communist Party USA
http://www.hartford-hwp.com/cp-usa/

Labor Party
http://www.labornet.org/lpa/

United States Taxpayers Party
http://www.ustaxpayers.org/

Natural Law Party
http://www.natural-law.org/

Pansexual Peace Party
http://www.neosoft.com/~eris/PPPP/homey.htm

Puritan Party
http://ows.net/puritan/