[00:00.520 --> 00:06.020]  Thank you for attending, even though there was a party at 11 and you're staying in your f*cking seats.
[00:07.060 --> 00:10.760]  Because they promised hookers, heroin, and women of ill repute.
[00:12.020 --> 00:13.040]  Alright, okay.
[00:13.580 --> 00:17.120]  What we've got are some of the finest comics from the New York and D.C.
[00:17.220 --> 00:17.520]  area.
[00:18.120 --> 00:22.500]  And to kick off the show and then emcee it, I give you a man of great mirth.
[00:22.640 --> 00:25.460]  He killed the dinosaurs on a whim, Joe Dealey.
[00:26.100 --> 00:26.840]  Thank you.
[00:27.920 --> 00:29.200]  Thank you very much, Jessica.
[00:30.140 --> 00:30.860]  Thank you!
[00:31.060 --> 00:32.300]  Thank you for coming out!
[00:32.460 --> 00:33.380]  Thank you for sticking around!
[00:34.060 --> 00:35.060]  This is very nice.
[00:36.120 --> 00:38.440]  Oh, I'll give you folks a minute to look me over.
[00:39.500 --> 00:41.160]  Takes a little while, but it's worth the trip.
[00:42.000 --> 00:43.120]  You like what you see up front?
[00:43.200 --> 00:44.900]  We've got more in the back, so there's plenty for everybody.
[00:45.420 --> 00:46.860]  I do not charge by the pound.
[00:46.860 --> 00:47.700]  I am all you can eat.
[00:47.840 --> 00:48.020]  Yes.
[00:49.180 --> 00:50.000]  Oh, man.
[00:50.220 --> 00:51.060]  I am too big.
[00:51.160 --> 00:52.540]  I am a large man.
[00:52.740 --> 00:54.280]  I am comfortable with the term fat.
[00:54.400 --> 00:54.900]  That is fine.
[00:55.200 --> 00:57.240]  My doctor's not happy with me about that, though.
[00:57.880 --> 00:59.120]  He's really pissed off at me.
[00:59.120 --> 01:03.480]  The last time I went for a physical, they went to draw blood, and the needle got clogged by a chive.
[01:04.820 --> 01:06.740]  So, that's what they call a warning sign.
[01:07.280 --> 01:08.120]  I got nervous.
[01:08.220 --> 01:09.120]  They started to sweat.
[01:09.240 --> 01:12.760]  He's like, Do you smell butter?
[01:12.900 --> 01:13.420]  What is that?
[01:14.800 --> 01:15.900]  He made me swear.
[01:15.900 --> 01:16.760]  Six weeks ago.
[01:16.920 --> 01:18.260]  It was six weeks ago today.
[01:18.260 --> 01:19.220]  He made me swear.
[01:19.220 --> 01:21.680]  I would pick a diet, and I would stick with it.
[01:21.800 --> 01:29.480]  And I can honestly stand here before you all and say, six weeks later, I have lost 42 days.
[01:30.080 --> 01:30.800]  That's right.
[01:32.060 --> 01:33.260]  I don't have to do anything.
[01:33.520 --> 01:34.400]  You just keep coming off.
[01:34.480 --> 01:35.220]  One right after the other.
[01:35.360 --> 01:35.620]  It's great.
[01:36.820 --> 01:38.760]  I don't know what kind of a diet to choose.
[01:38.760 --> 01:40.300]  I mean, everybody's got a diet now.
[01:40.380 --> 01:41.760]  Everybody wanted to be like Atkins.
[01:42.080 --> 01:43.200]  Oh, it's just like Atkins.
[01:43.580 --> 01:48.460]  Last month, the National Dyslexia Association brought out a low crab diet.
[01:50.360 --> 01:51.500]  I don't get that.
[01:52.580 --> 01:54.100]  I avoid the Chesapeake Bay.
[01:54.320 --> 01:54.780]  So, you know.
[01:55.780 --> 01:56.060]  Jeez.
[01:56.200 --> 01:57.700]  You know, I'm trying to eat a lot healthier.
[01:57.860 --> 01:59.740]  I'm eating a lot more celery and a lot more carrot sticks.
[02:00.320 --> 02:01.320]  I figure, what the heck?
[02:01.380 --> 02:02.800]  They come free with the buffalo wings, right?
[02:03.340 --> 02:04.400]  So, you know, that's good.
[02:05.360 --> 02:06.740]  But, oh, yes.
[02:07.460 --> 02:08.560]  I'm always trying to diet.
[02:08.560 --> 02:13.000]  I bought a big book about what's in food so I can learn what's in food and try and treat my body right.
[02:13.200 --> 02:16.660]  The first thing I looked up was French vanilla ice cream because I love ice cream.
[02:16.700 --> 02:18.840]  And I've always wondered, why the hell do they call it French?
[02:19.040 --> 02:20.060]  What makes it French?
[02:20.300 --> 02:22.860]  Turns out there's actually a legitimate reason for it.
[02:22.960 --> 02:25.820]  I always figured it was some fancy schmancy marketing ploy.
[02:25.900 --> 02:26.760]  We can charge a little more.
[02:26.880 --> 02:27.400]  You know, like that.
[02:27.820 --> 02:38.720]  It turns out, if you take a scoop of French vanilla ice cream and you put it next to, a slice of German chocolate cake, it surrenders.
[02:41.140 --> 02:41.820]  Okay, all right.
[02:41.920 --> 02:43.400]  Technically, it melts and then runs.
[02:43.580 --> 02:48.820]  But, you know, then it doesn't shave or bathe.
[02:48.940 --> 02:52.080]  It makes really shitty cars and beer, you know.
[02:52.740 --> 02:54.700]  It just gives you attitude is what I'm saying.
[02:55.820 --> 02:57.060]  I'm not going to hack on the French.
[02:57.160 --> 03:00.100]  For one thing, the French have given us a lot of cool things if you think about it.
[03:00.180 --> 03:02.060]  I mean, Statue of Liberty, that's from France.
[03:02.200 --> 03:02.620]  It's very cool.
[03:03.180 --> 03:06.520]  Jacques Cousteau, world-famous, internationally renowned explorer.
[03:07.360 --> 03:09.260]  Guys, I know you'll be with me on this one.
[03:09.340 --> 03:11.640]  Those sexy little French maid's outfits, right?
[03:12.120 --> 03:12.500]  Yeah.
[03:13.240 --> 03:14.160]  Those are comfy.
[03:19.220 --> 03:19.800]  I'm Joe.
[03:19.980 --> 03:20.380]  I'm 41.
[03:20.700 --> 03:22.180]  I'm originally from the Washington, D.C.
[03:22.260 --> 03:22.480]  area.
[03:22.920 --> 03:24.520]  I'm successfully self-unemployed.
[03:24.820 --> 03:24.920]  Yep.
[03:25.960 --> 03:28.800]  I used to be self-employed, but I had to let myself go.
[03:29.900 --> 03:31.820]  For some reason, I wasn't a team player.
[03:31.980 --> 03:32.940]  I don't know how that happened.
[03:33.400 --> 03:35.040]  I just kept sleeping late, you know.
[03:35.400 --> 03:36.860]  So I outsourced myself.
[03:36.860 --> 03:43.340]  And if any of my jokes tonight have a Bombay accent, that is why, you know, saving a lot of money.
[03:44.320 --> 03:46.400]  For example, I met a man from Delhi.
[03:46.620 --> 03:47.080]  Oh, yes.
[03:47.360 --> 03:48.560]  His name was Ruben.
[03:49.140 --> 03:49.380]  Yeah.
[03:49.980 --> 03:52.380]  He was coated with sauerkraut and cheese.
[03:52.380 --> 03:53.060]  He was delicious.
[03:54.960 --> 03:56.660]  You get what you pay for, people, you know.
[03:58.900 --> 04:02.320]  Seriously, I am unemployed, but I have a lot of hobbies I like to indulge.
[04:02.840 --> 04:04.260]  One of them I can't really do anymore.
[04:04.280 --> 04:05.680]  I used to do Civil War reenacting.
[04:06.160 --> 04:07.180]  Has anyone ever tried this?
[04:07.700 --> 04:09.280]  These people are very upset.
[04:09.380 --> 04:12.340]  Yeah, you know how obsessed they are with exact detail.
[04:12.480 --> 04:14.580]  They want everything to be historically accurate.
[04:14.740 --> 04:19.180]  If you wear glasses, you have to have your glasses made the way that they were made during the Civil War.
[04:19.380 --> 04:20.900]  You know, you can't wear a wristwatch.
[04:21.180 --> 04:24.420]  Even these people have their underwear made the way it was made during the Civil War.
[04:24.540 --> 04:28.700]  And I spent a lot of money on the shoes and the pants and the hat.
[04:29.220 --> 04:34.940]  And personally, I thought I was the best looking Lincoln that they've ever had, but some people weren't happy with me.
[04:35.540 --> 04:36.800]  They were so nitpicky.
[04:36.900 --> 04:41.700]  I had the Gettysburg Address copied on the back of an envelope, because I'd always heard Lincoln did that.
[04:41.900 --> 04:46.920]  And they said, Joe, Lincoln didn't have that kind of an envelope in the 1860s.
[04:46.920 --> 04:51.260]  And I'm all like, look guys, that's just a little bit too obsessive compulsive.
[04:51.260 --> 04:53.720]  I should have listened to him, because I'm up there giving the speech.
[04:55.300 --> 05:02.440]  Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent, you may already be a winner.
[05:03.840 --> 05:11.900]  A new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all entries must be received by December 31st.
[05:12.240 --> 05:18.340]  For a complete list of winners, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to winners, Box 1, Young America, Minnesota.
[05:18.720 --> 05:22.440]  So this nation shall not perish from the earth.
[05:23.500 --> 05:24.180]  Void.
[05:24.760 --> 05:25.960]  We're prohibited.
[05:26.560 --> 05:27.620]  By law.
[05:29.160 --> 05:30.780]  They weren't happy with me at all.
[05:31.320 --> 05:34.860]  Joe, you and Lincoln, maybe not such a good fit.
[05:35.120 --> 05:36.240]  How about Taft?
[05:36.400 --> 05:37.440]  You'd make a good Taft.
[05:37.520 --> 05:38.060]  I'm like, yeah.
[05:38.400 --> 05:41.460]  He was a 20th century president, the fattest president we've had.
[05:41.720 --> 05:45.520]  The coolest thing about Taft, he had awesome theme music, you know?
[05:46.400 --> 05:47.200]  Everywhere he went.
[05:49.800 --> 05:52.400]  Who's the fat president when he sits down and leaves a dent?
[05:53.260 --> 05:53.720]  Taft.
[05:54.160 --> 05:55.720]  You damn right.
[05:57.220 --> 05:59.880]  They say that Taft is one fat mother.
[06:00.380 --> 06:00.980]  Shut your mouth.
[06:01.280 --> 06:02.620]  I'm just talking about Taft.
[06:04.440 --> 06:05.000]  Thank you.
[06:05.140 --> 06:06.800]  I learned a lot about history watching Star Trek.
[06:06.880 --> 06:07.240]  That was cool.
[06:08.840 --> 06:09.640]  Any Trekkies?
[06:09.940 --> 06:10.720]  I'm a Trekkie.
[06:10.780 --> 06:11.720]  Yeah, I love Trek.
[06:11.860 --> 06:13.080]  Man, I am such a Trek fan.
[06:13.240 --> 06:15.860]  I love to go to the conventions and I love to hang out with the people.
[06:16.040 --> 06:18.020]  I don't get into the costumes, though.
[06:18.100 --> 06:20.560]  I mean, these people who dress up like Klingons.
[06:20.680 --> 06:22.500]  My God, they're fanatics about it.
[06:22.500 --> 06:26.060]  They go out and they learn the language, the vocabulary, and the grammar, and all that.
[06:26.280 --> 06:27.640]  They get the makeup and the costumes.
[06:27.780 --> 06:29.640]  They're walking around going, Mmm, Kabla.
[06:30.420 --> 06:31.300]  Mmm, Tadich.
[06:31.860 --> 06:32.300]  Téage.
[06:32.520 --> 06:34.380]  And I'm too lazy for that.
[06:34.540 --> 06:35.360]  I fake it.
[06:35.440 --> 06:39.040]  You know, I'm going around there just throwing out vegetables and fruit.
[06:39.180 --> 06:39.340]  You know.
[06:39.740 --> 06:40.160]  Okra.
[06:41.700 --> 06:42.140]  Kiwi.
[06:43.220 --> 06:43.660]  Tau.
[06:43.660 --> 06:44.120]  Tometo.
[06:44.560 --> 06:44.960]  Mmm.
[06:46.420 --> 06:48.140]  I run out of vegetables and fruits.
[06:48.280 --> 06:49.620]  I just start using shoe names, you know.
[06:49.920 --> 06:50.160]  Nike.
[06:50.560 --> 06:50.860]  Puma.
[06:51.440 --> 06:51.840]  Rybak.
[06:52.580 --> 06:54.560]  By the sword of Payless.
[06:58.100 --> 06:59.400]  That's my geek detector joke.
[06:59.460 --> 06:59.860]  I love that.
[07:01.200 --> 07:03.120]  Oh, you guys are in for a great night.
[07:03.120 --> 07:05.960]  We've got some really wonderful talent coming up from Washington, D.C.
[07:06.020 --> 07:06.200]  area.
[07:06.400 --> 07:08.660]  Some people are up here in New York, so you may see them again.
[07:08.960 --> 07:09.940]  My name's Joe Dealey.
[07:10.020 --> 07:11.100]  I'm going to be your host for tonight.
[07:11.300 --> 07:13.420]  And we are going to start this show off right.
[07:13.420 --> 07:16.700]  We've got my favorite comic, who's also one of my best friends.
[07:16.920 --> 07:20.540]  He is, in my estimation, the ultimate Star Wars fan.
[07:20.660 --> 07:22.340]  He's a Jedi Knight, as far as I'm considering.
[07:22.520 --> 07:27.260]  He spent 11 nights sleeping out in front of the theater, so we would get in to see Episode 3.
[07:27.440 --> 07:32.020]  First and foremost, please welcome to the stage with a lot of love, Jimmy Merritt!
[07:32.200 --> 07:32.640]  Hey!
[07:32.740 --> 07:33.360]  Thank you, Joe!
[07:33.720 --> 07:34.960]  Hey, what's up, guys?
[07:36.080 --> 07:37.100]  How we doing, hackers?
[07:39.060 --> 07:42.680]  I am nervous, because if you don't like me, my website is f*cked.
[07:46.410 --> 07:52.050]  I spent five minutes on my MySpace page.
[07:52.050 --> 07:54.990]  It's all going to go down the tubes.
[07:56.150 --> 07:57.050]  Holy shit.
[07:58.910 --> 08:00.090]  I saw sneakers.
[08:00.270 --> 08:02.570]  That's kind of a hacker, I guess.
[08:03.150 --> 08:04.190]  I got married.
[08:04.310 --> 08:04.750]  Check that out.
[08:04.810 --> 08:05.610]  I just got hitched.
[08:05.730 --> 08:06.230]  I'm very...
[08:06.230 --> 08:07.050]  Don't look surprised.
[08:07.050 --> 08:08.090]  That hurts my feelings.
[08:09.570 --> 08:10.690]  I'm very sensitive.
[08:11.650 --> 08:18.310]  Actually, like, literally, the second that the ceremony was over, my parents began pressuring me to have kids.
[08:18.310 --> 08:20.370]  Like, they didn't waste any time at all.
[08:20.570 --> 08:23.650]  Like, hey, Jimmy, you should have a kid, because you're a comedian.
[08:24.010 --> 08:26.970]  And if you have a kid, he's going to be really funny.
[08:27.190 --> 08:27.450]  Yeah!
[08:28.250 --> 08:29.850]  I bet you'll have funny kids.
[08:30.230 --> 08:31.610]  But I was thinking about that.
[08:31.610 --> 08:36.690]  I don't think that's true, because kids tend to rebel against their parents, you know?
[08:36.930 --> 08:40.950]  Like, my kid is going to do all the opposite of the things I did growing up.
[08:41.110 --> 08:44.630]  Like, he's going to play sports and get laid in college.
[08:45.610 --> 08:46.050]  Just...
[08:47.890 --> 08:48.330]  That's...
[08:49.090 --> 08:50.650]  That's a different path than mine.
[08:51.910 --> 08:53.490]  I see some of us can relate.
[08:53.630 --> 08:53.810]  Good.
[08:55.210 --> 08:58.570]  Oh, though, I remember, like, now that I'm married, all my friends are getting insecure.
[08:58.730 --> 09:00.110]  They think they should be seeing someone, too.
[09:00.190 --> 09:03.290]  And actually, I got some buddies that are going to try Internet dating.
[09:03.550 --> 09:06.190]  They're going to try to meet a woman over the Internet.
[09:06.490 --> 09:10.670]  And, like, that's kind of cool, but I don't understand how that works, you know?
[09:10.790 --> 09:14.630]  Like, I don't get what you find online to be attracted to.
[09:14.730 --> 09:15.870]  Like, how does that even happen?
[09:16.310 --> 09:20.330]  Oh, you just type in one day, just, oh, say.
[09:20.330 --> 09:24.330]  Hey, she's using Time's New Romans.
[09:26.890 --> 09:29.090]  Surely the most sensual of all the fonts.
[09:30.530 --> 09:31.510]  Not enough laughs.
[09:31.670 --> 09:32.150]  I hit a nerve.
[09:32.270 --> 09:33.130]  Okay, I'll move on.
[09:38.040 --> 09:39.680]  Let's see what else I can find.
[09:42.320 --> 09:44.040]  My website is f*cked.
[09:46.100 --> 09:50.960]  I was, like, I got married to a woman that's not a geek, though.
[09:50.960 --> 09:52.160]  So that causes some problems.
[09:52.300 --> 09:53.000]  I'm a huge geek.
[09:53.140 --> 09:53.660]  She's not.
[09:53.900 --> 09:58.380]  The main time that causes problems is whenever I bring a movie home from Blockbuster.
[09:58.620 --> 10:00.280]  Because I always get really into it, you know?
[10:00.400 --> 10:02.300]  Like, I think this is the best thing I've ever seen.
[10:02.480 --> 10:05.240]  And she's always just bored beyond her mind, you know?
[10:05.300 --> 10:07.980]  She could not care less about what is happening.
[10:08.140 --> 10:10.440]  But she's figured out how to trick me.
[10:10.460 --> 10:15.700]  Because she's realized that if she seduces me, she doesn't have to watch the rest of the movie.
[10:18.700 --> 10:23.320]  And I can always see that moment where she's kind of weighing her options a little bit.
[10:23.540 --> 10:26.440]  She's like, oh, this movie's so boring.
[10:29.300 --> 10:31.080]  Oh, my husband looks like that.
[10:31.640 --> 10:32.080]  I...
[10:35.520 --> 10:37.900]  This is a conundrum if ever I've seen one.
[10:39.180 --> 10:40.460]  Oh, Star Trek V.
[10:40.580 --> 10:40.800]  That's it.
[10:40.880 --> 10:41.340]  I'm doing it.
[10:41.480 --> 10:41.620]  Like,
[10:48.210 --> 10:50.530]  you know, that's cool because I enjoy the sex.
[10:50.530 --> 10:54.450]  But in the back of my mind, I'm kind of wondering what happened in the movie, you know?
[10:55.690 --> 10:56.610]  Like, oh, it's cool.
[10:56.670 --> 10:57.430]  Oh, that looks cool.
[10:57.510 --> 10:58.670]  Oh, I got to keep at this.
[10:59.350 --> 11:02.490]  But, like, I figured out how to make this work to my advantage.
[11:02.710 --> 11:08.030]  Because now, whenever I'm feeling kind of frisky, instead of flowers, I just bring home science fiction.
[11:08.530 --> 11:08.890]  Just...
[11:10.190 --> 11:12.050]  Hey, honey, happy Valentine's Day.
[11:12.470 --> 11:15.150]  I brought home Battlestar Galactica Season 1.
[11:16.670 --> 11:18.190]  Ooh, a whole season, huh?
[11:18.430 --> 11:18.790]  Rawr.
[11:18.790 --> 11:18.870]  Rawr.
[11:20.050 --> 11:22.950]  But sometimes it backfires because, like, I want to get laid.
[11:23.050 --> 11:25.550]  So I bring home a movie and she ends up liking it.
[11:25.690 --> 11:27.450]  I'm like, oh, this is terrible, right?
[11:27.450 --> 11:28.490]  Yeah, let's do this.
[11:28.570 --> 11:29.870]  Oh, no, this is kind of cool.
[11:30.310 --> 11:31.310]  Yeah, this is awesome.
[11:31.310 --> 11:32.110]  What happens next?
[11:32.170 --> 11:32.670]  Like, really?
[11:33.290 --> 11:34.850]  This is Highlander 2.
[11:40.870 --> 11:43.370]  The people that made this don't like it.
[11:43.610 --> 11:43.870]  This...
[11:49.260 --> 11:50.940]  This is not happening today.
[11:52.920 --> 11:53.640]  I'm also...
[11:53.640 --> 11:56.060]  I'm remembering back when we were just dating, though.
[11:56.340 --> 11:58.900]  And I was going to, like, bring my fiancé home.
[11:58.900 --> 12:01.040]  I was going to show her my house for the first time.
[12:01.120 --> 12:03.860]  And this was kind of awkward because I'm a messy guy, you know?
[12:03.900 --> 12:04.700]  I'm a slob.
[12:04.820 --> 12:06.860]  My apartment has never been cleaned.
[12:06.900 --> 12:14.800]  And it was actually so messy that when I brought her home for the first time, I felt like I needed to somehow explain away the mess, you know?
[12:14.960 --> 12:17.560]  It was so messy, she deserved an explanation.
[12:18.380 --> 12:22.540]  But it was so messy, there was nothing I could say to get away with it.
[12:22.860 --> 12:26.340]  So I just pretended I was just as surprised by it as she was.
[12:27.960 --> 12:29.080]  Like, I just walked in.
[12:29.220 --> 12:30.520]  Hey, honey, this is my...
[12:30.520 --> 12:31.900]  Whoa, f*ck, what happened?
[12:32.220 --> 12:32.620]  Um...
[12:33.640 --> 12:35.300]  I think I've been robbed.
[12:37.340 --> 12:40.520]  They stole my TV and replaced it with a smaller one.
[12:42.500 --> 12:45.180]  Why did they put Star Wars toys everywhere?
[12:45.900 --> 12:46.500]  That's...
[12:47.720 --> 12:49.080]  They're still in the box.
[12:49.080 --> 12:49.860]  That's amazing.
[12:50.980 --> 12:52.540]  That's the Ewok bandits.
[12:52.560 --> 12:53.380]  I've heard of them.
[12:54.500 --> 12:59.720]  Though, I'm so glad to finally be married, though, because I was terrified being single.
[12:59.840 --> 13:00.500]  Because here's the thing.
[13:00.720 --> 13:03.600]  I'm a geek, and I'm a pretty conservative guy, you know?
[13:03.660 --> 13:04.580]  I'm pretty conservative.
[13:04.820 --> 13:09.940]  But somewhere along the line, every single woman just became a kinky sex freak.
[13:10.160 --> 13:12.760]  Like, they're all kinky, and I'm not.
[13:13.040 --> 13:17.260]  And most of the times, I didn't even understand what they were asking me to do, you know?
[13:17.360 --> 13:21.500]  Like, I was out with this girl, and she was like, Hey, Jimmy, let's spice it up tonight.
[13:21.720 --> 13:23.800]  Tonight, let's role play.
[13:24.720 --> 13:27.300]  So I was like, sweet, Dungeons and Dragons, all right!
[13:28.440 --> 13:28.860]  Yeah!
[13:32.290 --> 13:34.960]  You're in luck, because I'm a 19th-level bard.
[13:35.670 --> 13:36.080]  Let's...
[13:37.180 --> 13:39.180]  Tell you what, meet me in my mom's basement.
[13:39.180 --> 13:40.120]  I'm going to make this happen.
[13:41.790 --> 13:43.880]  I'll bring the Mountain Dew, you bring the Cheetos.
[13:44.060 --> 13:44.280]  Yeah!
[13:45.940 --> 13:47.840]  And then she's like, no, I want to try something else.
[13:47.920 --> 13:49.460]  Hey, Jimmy, punish me.
[13:49.820 --> 13:50.240]  Yeah.
[13:50.920 --> 13:52.120]  I want to be punished.
[13:52.280 --> 13:52.820]  Punish me.
[13:53.360 --> 13:56.500]  So I said, okay, you can't watch my TV anymore.
[13:58.080 --> 13:58.500]  Bitch.
[14:00.400 --> 14:00.720]  Um...
[14:01.240 --> 14:03.140]  But then, I had the most confusing one.
[14:03.180 --> 14:04.180]  I was out to dinner with the girl.
[14:04.280 --> 14:05.400]  She leans across the table.
[14:05.500 --> 14:07.620]  She goes, hey, Jimmy, you know what I really like?
[14:08.540 --> 14:10.220]  I like to be humiliated.
[14:10.360 --> 14:10.600]  Yeah.
[14:12.160 --> 14:12.580]  Humiliate me.
[14:12.680 --> 14:13.880]  I want to be humiliated.
[14:14.560 --> 14:16.540]  So I said, well, you're on a date with me.
[14:16.540 --> 14:17.240]  Uh...
[14:19.020 --> 14:19.960]  I got ya.
[14:21.180 --> 14:23.760]  I guess if you want more, you can introduce me to your friends.
[14:24.720 --> 14:27.620]  I'll talk about the time I camped out for Star Wars tickets.
[14:28.720 --> 14:30.900]  I dressed up like Grand Moff Tarkin.
[14:30.980 --> 14:31.940]  We're gonna...
[14:32.540 --> 14:33.260]  share that.
[14:33.580 --> 14:34.740]  Like, cause here's the thing.
[14:35.140 --> 14:39.260]  Whenever a kink or a fetish appears, it's always outlandish, you know?
[14:39.260 --> 14:40.260]  It's always insane.
[14:40.480 --> 14:41.380]  It's always like, oh, Jimmy.
[14:42.380 --> 14:45.820]  I want you to dress up like a potato.
[14:46.100 --> 14:46.320]  Yeah.
[14:47.980 --> 14:53.160]  And then, when we're done, I'm gonna rub salt all over you.
[14:53.280 --> 14:53.780]  Like, what?
[14:54.700 --> 14:56.700]  Are we f*cking or killing a slug?
[14:56.760 --> 14:57.300]  What's happening?
[14:58.660 --> 15:01.720]  I was not told this would happen in eighth grade health class.
[15:03.200 --> 15:05.500]  We did not cover dressing up like a potato.
[15:06.780 --> 15:10.440]  If I'm dressed up like a potato, can I at least get some Mr. Potato Head?
[15:10.440 --> 15:11.480]  Is that at all...
[15:14.960 --> 15:15.960]  at all possible?
[15:18.680 --> 15:25.240]  Like, just once, I want a woman to have a kink or a fetish, and it's just something I was gonna do anyway, you know?
[15:25.860 --> 15:27.200]  It's something on my agenda.
[15:27.380 --> 15:29.330]  Like, I just want a woman to look at me and go, oh, Jimmy.
[15:29.680 --> 15:30.940]  You know what I want tonight?
[15:30.940 --> 15:34.400]  Tonight, I want you to awkwardly fumble.
[15:34.600 --> 15:34.820]  Yeah.
[15:36.760 --> 15:42.020]  And then, I want you to cry for ten minutes after you prematurely ejaculate.
[15:42.180 --> 15:42.740]  Like, yes!
[15:43.960 --> 15:45.180]  My name is Jimmy Merritt.
[15:45.260 --> 15:45.830]  Thank you, guys.
[15:50.930 --> 15:51.730]  Jimmy Merritt!
[15:52.170 --> 15:52.570]  Yeah!
[15:56.290 --> 15:58.490]  Jimmy is a lot luckier than love than some of us.
[15:58.590 --> 16:01.090]  I've been trying to get a girlfriend, and it just doesn't happen.
[16:01.110 --> 16:02.290]  I'm not meant to be with a woman.
[16:02.730 --> 16:03.450]  It's just...
[16:03.450 --> 16:05.370]  I gave a hooker a $100 bill one time.
[16:05.370 --> 16:07.370]  She gave me four 20s, two 5s, and a 10.
[16:07.630 --> 16:08.790]  It's just not...
[16:10.110 --> 16:11.330]  I thought I was in luck.
[16:11.330 --> 16:13.090]  I was online, and I love Asian women.
[16:13.210 --> 16:14.690]  I've always wanted to meet an Asian woman.
[16:14.850 --> 16:16.570]  And I'm like, this girl's got an Asian name.
[16:16.590 --> 16:17.510]  I can't wait to meet her.
[16:17.870 --> 16:21.190]  Guys, Pre-Op Tran is not an Asian name, okay?
[16:22.110 --> 16:23.130]  Just so you know.
[16:26.170 --> 16:27.330]  From me to you, please.
[16:28.130 --> 16:29.910]  All right, let's bring up our next comic.
[16:30.090 --> 16:30.690]  He's a girl...
[16:30.690 --> 16:37.150]  While Jimmy was staying in line for us, 11 days for theater tickets, we were at the Star Wars celebration in Indianapolis.
[16:37.350 --> 16:37.810]  The Wilds.
[16:37.910 --> 16:39.930]  Please welcome my friend, Paul Schorsch.
[16:44.870 --> 16:46.110]  Keep it going, everyone.
[16:46.290 --> 16:46.810]  For Joe.
[16:47.190 --> 16:47.610]  Come on.
[16:47.770 --> 16:48.130]  And Jimmy.
[16:48.850 --> 16:50.750]  Jimmy, the fantastic Jimmy.
[16:52.150 --> 16:53.030]  Oh, God.
[16:53.250 --> 16:54.290]  It's great to be here.
[16:55.970 --> 16:56.810]  Hackers Convention.
[16:57.050 --> 16:58.610]  I've never been to anything like this.
[16:58.770 --> 17:00.630]  I'm not much of a computer guy.
[17:01.110 --> 17:02.310]  I own a Mac.
[17:05.410 --> 17:05.970]  Oh.
[17:07.050 --> 17:08.170]  I love Macs.
[17:08.250 --> 17:08.850]  They're so pretty.
[17:10.030 --> 17:11.130]  Oh, thanks.
[17:11.690 --> 17:12.530]  You're sweet.
[17:12.850 --> 17:14.370]  With the other guy's arm around you.
[17:14.510 --> 17:14.690]  Okay.
[17:20.680 --> 17:23.420]  I'm from Chicago originally.
[17:24.160 --> 17:25.020]  Yeah, sure.
[17:25.020 --> 17:33.820]  And I went to my next birthday party recently, and I was looking for something to get him for a present.
[17:33.980 --> 17:37.700]  And my brother says to me, he says, well, just get him something Fisher-Price.
[17:37.740 --> 17:38.800]  He likes Fisher-Price.
[17:39.120 --> 17:47.560]  So I go to the toy store, and I notice that Fisher-Price makes a lot of toys that are kind of designed to mimic being an adult.
[17:48.380 --> 17:53.280]  Like, one thing they have is they have the Fisher-Price Hoover vacuum cleaner.
[17:54.760 --> 17:55.300]  Yeah.
[17:56.580 --> 18:05.220]  I don't know if there's any parents out there, but if your child expresses interest in vacuuming, just give him your f*cking vacuum cleaner.
[18:13.470 --> 18:16.650]  If you need to, just write Fisher-Price on it, put it in a box.
[18:17.410 --> 18:18.350]  There you go, Billy.
[18:18.450 --> 18:18.990]  There you go.
[18:20.090 --> 18:22.070]  Now, why don't you go play with your new toy in the living room?
[18:24.750 --> 18:26.530]  Make sure you play all the way to the corners.
[18:31.460 --> 18:33.680]  I watch lots of television.
[18:35.640 --> 18:37.320]  It's commercial I always find interesting.
[18:37.640 --> 18:40.020]  You might have seen it for the Christian Children's Fund.
[18:40.880 --> 18:45.380]  They got this guy who comes on, and he's got this little girl with him, you know?
[18:45.540 --> 18:48.360]  And he says, this is little Mobutu.
[18:50.280 --> 18:54.800]  She has no shoes, and she hasn't eaten for three days.
[18:55.160 --> 18:56.960]  Who could possibly help her?
[18:58.580 --> 18:59.840]  Motherf*cker, how about you?
[19:02.720 --> 19:03.860]  Stand her right there?
[19:06.120 --> 19:08.340]  In every commercial, they always say the same thing.
[19:08.440 --> 19:13.620]  They say, for about 70 cents a day, the price of a cup of coffee.
[19:16.660 --> 19:18.400]  The f*ck are you buying your coffee?
[19:22.840 --> 19:24.060]  Clearly not Starbucks.
[19:26.260 --> 19:29.840]  I watch Larry King sometimes.
[19:30.460 --> 19:32.040]  Anybody here watch Larry King?
[19:33.020 --> 19:37.820]  Yeah, he gets crazier and crazier as the years go on.
[19:37.960 --> 19:47.920]  He had these folks on recently that were survivors of, like, incredibly horrific accidents, near-death experiences.
[19:48.300 --> 19:52.300]  And there's this one guy who was mauled up by a shark.
[19:52.960 --> 19:56.700]  And his first question to him was, do you feel lucky?
[20:00.320 --> 20:10.880]  Oh, yeah, well, when the shark was eating the left side of my head, I was like, hey, look, there's a clover floating in the water.
[20:13.440 --> 20:19.240]  And then when he started eating my right arm, I said, ha-ha, joke's on you, shark, I'm left-handed.
[20:24.140 --> 20:24.960]  Do I feel lucky?
[20:24.960 --> 20:29.220]  If it were me, I'd be like, no, if I had arms to hold the shark, then I'd shoot myself.
[20:33.540 --> 20:39.420]  I, uh, like, uh, Joe, uh, I'm also a big Star Trek fan.
[20:39.700 --> 20:41.820]  Star Trek fans are here, I hear, right?
[20:42.160 --> 20:42.640]  Yay.
[20:43.440 --> 20:43.700]  Woo!
[20:44.440 --> 20:45.320]  Right on.
[20:45.720 --> 20:46.140]  Mm-hmm.
[20:46.620 --> 20:51.940]  You know, Star Trek, I'm sure you all know, was a very groundbreaking show back in the 60s.
[20:52.060 --> 20:53.700]  Something I'm sure I don't need to tell you.
[20:53.700 --> 21:00.160]  They had the first interracial kiss, right, between Kirk and Uhura, right?
[21:00.340 --> 21:00.900]  There you go.
[21:02.600 --> 21:05.360]  And I'm pretty liberal, I'm like, that's awesome, you know?
[21:06.080 --> 21:07.700]  That's groundbreaking in the 60s.
[21:07.800 --> 21:10.620]  But a lot of, there were a lot of people that were outraged about that.
[21:10.680 --> 21:11.800]  They thought that was inappropriate.
[21:13.860 --> 21:18.140]  Apparently they didn't find it inappropriate, Kirk having sex with a different alien every week.
[21:20.120 --> 21:20.800]  Wait a minute.
[21:21.180 --> 21:22.020]  Who's Kirk f*cking?
[21:22.720 --> 21:24.820]  Oh, a green chick with three tits and a tail?
[21:25.560 --> 21:27.060]  All right, as long as she ain't black.
[21:31.460 --> 21:32.420]  I'm cool with that.
[21:34.400 --> 21:36.400]  I used to go to Star Trek conventions.
[21:37.800 --> 21:40.540]  Joe was talking about costumes.
[21:40.540 --> 21:46.140]  I saw recently at the Star Trek convention, they now have costumes for your pets.
[21:48.180 --> 21:48.660]  Great.
[21:49.700 --> 21:51.520]  Now the dog's not getting laid either.
[21:57.560 --> 22:02.800]  I saw, I saw recently, you know, George Takei, Sulu, right?
[22:03.040 --> 22:04.540]  You know, he came out recently, right?
[22:05.100 --> 22:05.380]  Woo!
[22:05.800 --> 22:06.120]  Yeah!
[22:06.480 --> 22:06.960]  Awesome.
[22:07.400 --> 22:08.020]  I, uh...
[22:08.020 --> 22:17.300]  He did a tour recently where he goes speak at different places about, you know, being gay in Hollywood and Star Trek and all that.
[22:17.300 --> 22:23.920]  And then he took questions and this guy stands up and he says, when did you first know you were gay?
[22:24.420 --> 22:36.060]  And he says, well, when I was at the bookstore, I saw all these magazines with young, half-naked women on them.
[22:36.600 --> 22:39.380]  And then I saw the ones with big muscle men.
[22:40.300 --> 22:42.600]  And I said, that's the way to go!
[22:44.800 --> 22:45.640]  This is Sulu.
[22:47.100 --> 22:47.440]  Sulu.
[22:47.560 --> 22:50.940]  After the thing, he does, he's like, get signed an autograph.
[22:51.080 --> 22:52.280]  You can go up and meet him if you want.
[22:52.440 --> 22:53.840]  And I, and I went to meet him.
[22:54.100 --> 22:56.940]  And I asked him, I said, you know, I was at a Star Trek convention recently.
[22:56.940 --> 23:03.940]  And I saw that they write, uh, like, erotic stories of, of Kirk and Spock.
[23:05.100 --> 23:07.960]  How come there are no erotic stories with Sulu?
[23:08.020 --> 23:09.100]  How do you feel about that?
[23:09.660 --> 23:13.520]  And he says, who would you have liked to have seen me with?
[23:16.020 --> 23:17.080]  I said, I don't know.
[23:17.220 --> 23:18.540]  How about, uh, how about Chekhov?
[23:19.520 --> 23:22.480]  Well, he's right next to you there on the, you know, on the console.
[23:23.120 --> 23:24.460]  Glance at each other, right?
[23:25.100 --> 23:28.680]  And he says, oh, no, no, I never would have been with Chekhov.
[23:28.880 --> 23:36.200]  In fact, all the times you didn't see me, uh, on the bridge at the Enterprise, I was usually down in some young, smooth crewman's quarters.
[23:39.670 --> 23:41.270]  This is a true story, folks.
[23:42.930 --> 23:45.290]  This is absolutely 100% true.
[23:46.910 --> 23:51.550]  That would have been interesting to see the episode where Sulu gets brought up on charges for sexual harassment.
[23:54.070 --> 23:55.750]  I think they might have censored that one.
[23:56.970 --> 23:58.010]  With the kiss, huh?
[24:00.410 --> 24:01.130]  I, uh...
[24:01.130 --> 24:02.270]  I guess I watch a lot of TV.
[24:03.170 --> 24:04.250]  I saw, um...
[24:05.550 --> 24:06.890]  Actually, you know, I should say this first.
[24:07.110 --> 24:08.070]  I, um...
[24:08.070 --> 24:09.230]  I thought of a new game show.
[24:09.810 --> 24:10.170]  Um...
[24:10.170 --> 24:12.010]  You can tell me what you think of this.
[24:13.510 --> 24:13.870]  Um...
[24:14.390 --> 24:18.890]  Living in D.C., there's a lot of people that you don't quite know which way they go.
[24:19.810 --> 24:24.070]  And so I thought of a new game show called Gay or European.
[24:30.070 --> 24:32.040]  Yeah, you know, it'd be like Jeopardy, you know?
[24:32.540 --> 24:35.570]  They'd show, like, somebody's face, and you'd buzz in it.
[24:35.700 --> 24:35.960]  Brrp!
[24:36.330 --> 24:36.700]  Oh!
[24:37.790 --> 24:39.200]  I'm gonna say gay, Bob!
[24:39.420 --> 24:40.790]  Oh, I'm sorry.
[24:40.790 --> 24:41.790]  He's just French.
[24:45.120 --> 24:46.060]  Oui, oui, oui, oui.
[24:46.240 --> 24:46.520]  Yes.
[24:47.240 --> 24:48.620]  Much wee-weeing going on.
[24:49.600 --> 24:50.800]  I, uh...
[24:50.800 --> 24:52.200]  I like...
[24:52.200 --> 24:56.360]  Planters Peanuts has a very interesting ad, if you hadn't seen it.
[24:56.680 --> 25:04.820]  They show Mr. Peanut popping out of his shell, and then his song comes on, saying, I'm coming out.
[25:05.580 --> 25:06.080]  Ooh!
[25:06.760 --> 25:08.560]  I want the world to know.
[25:09.160 --> 25:09.600]  Yeah.
[25:10.620 --> 25:11.860]  I think it's about time.
[25:14.060 --> 25:25.300]  I tell you, I don't know a lot about Peanuts, but I do know, if you were a top hat, bow tie, and no pants, you were a gay Peanuts.
[25:30.420 --> 25:41.380]  Planters' most recent commercial, they show Mr. Peanut, strutting around again, and then they got this voiceover guy comes on and says, hey, you know why Mr. Peanut wears a monocle?
[25:41.840 --> 25:45.340]  So we can zero in on those hot, tasty nuts.
[25:52.680 --> 25:56.500]  My God, he went from Liberace to Andy Dick in two commercials.
[25:58.900 --> 26:00.700]  Oh, oh, painful.
[26:03.620 --> 26:07.700]  Before I get out of here, I'm going to tell you about my favorite TV show of all time, and that's Law & Order.
[26:07.780 --> 26:09.120]  Do we have any Law & Order fans?
[26:09.720 --> 26:09.940]  Out there?
[26:10.340 --> 26:10.580]  Woo!
[26:11.180 --> 26:11.740]  F*ck yeah!
[26:11.780 --> 26:15.220]  And if you got the cable, you can watch it like 27 hours a day.
[26:16.820 --> 26:17.260]  Yeah.
[26:18.360 --> 26:28.040]  I learned from watching Law & Order that a lawyer can say anything he wants to in court, no matter how inappropriate, as long as he says, withdrawn.
[26:30.040 --> 26:31.220]  At the end, withdrawn.
[26:32.220 --> 26:35.640]  And the jury's just told that, hey, please just disregard what he said.
[26:37.080 --> 26:39.820]  Wouldn't that be cool if we could use that like every day in our lives?
[26:41.120 --> 26:47.620]  You know, you're home with your girlfriend or your wife, and she's like, hey, honey, do these jeans make my ass look fat?
[26:48.780 --> 26:52.220]  The jeans, don't blame the jeans, all those Twinkies made your ass look fat.
[26:52.320 --> 26:52.940]  What are you talking about?
[26:53.480 --> 26:54.300]  Excuse me?
[26:54.420 --> 26:55.260]  Oh, withdrawn.
[26:57.700 --> 26:59.380]  The fat bitch will disregard.
[27:01.400 --> 27:02.000]  Thanks a lot.
[27:02.080 --> 27:02.740]  Mine is Paul Shorch.
[27:02.820 --> 27:03.340]  Have a great night.
[27:07.230 --> 27:08.070]  Thank you, Paul.
[27:08.470 --> 27:09.530]  Paul Shorch!
[27:11.750 --> 27:12.570]  All right.
[27:13.150 --> 27:15.730]  Our next comic is originally from McLean, Virginia.
[27:15.990 --> 27:19.350]  He was one of the finalists in the Loyola last comic standing.
[27:19.550 --> 27:29.690]  And although he is not the great pale giant, or the jolly pale giant, he just recently has mastered the use of his giant legs at six foot six, the tallest member of the Geek Comedy Tour, Evan Valentine!
[27:34.370 --> 27:35.030]  Good job.
[27:35.910 --> 27:36.510]  Thank you.
[27:36.830 --> 27:37.230]  Thanks.
[27:37.590 --> 27:37.950]  Give it up.
[27:41.570 --> 27:45.270]  Dude, I gotta tell you, like, before I start, this is awesome, man.
[27:45.370 --> 27:46.170]  Like, I'm on the screen.
[27:46.370 --> 27:47.670]  That's like a first for me.
[27:47.810 --> 27:51.590]  So, I gotta have my own, I gotta have my own training montage, all right?
[27:51.690 --> 27:52.470]  Just bear with me.
[27:52.970 --> 27:55.030]  You're the best show around.
[27:55.650 --> 27:57.430]  Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.
[27:57.490 --> 27:59.350]  You're the best show around.
[28:00.090 --> 28:01.470]  Rocky's gonna fight someone.
[28:01.710 --> 28:02.810]  Do your comedy act.
[28:02.910 --> 28:04.790]  It's the best show around!
[28:05.730 --> 28:05.930]  Yeah!
[28:06.850 --> 28:07.290]  Rock.
[28:07.770 --> 28:14.670]  Um, yeah, uh, so, you know, I really love this tour.
[28:14.730 --> 28:17.790]  It's a great tour, you know, and we all think alike and all that.
[28:17.810 --> 28:23.510]  And I really hope we make it one day because we're gonna have some f*cking crazy after parties when we make it.
[28:23.690 --> 28:28.530]  And we have, like, a hotel room and guys are just sitting in there watching Star Wars.
[28:28.690 --> 28:33.390]  There's, like, 20 hookers in the corner and they're all dressed as Leia with the gold bikini.
[28:36.720 --> 28:39.820]  You know, people are doing blow with, like, pocky sticks.
[28:44.800 --> 28:50.440]  A prostitute walks up to the two of us who are playing Dungeons and Dragons and just goes, are we gonna have sex ever?
[28:50.560 --> 28:51.440]  It's like, wait, just a second.
[28:54.180 --> 28:54.660]  18.
[28:55.120 --> 28:55.460]  Nope.
[29:02.150 --> 29:06.210]  But you can roll for, um, to have sex with the wizard.
[29:07.830 --> 29:08.310]  Three.
[29:08.590 --> 29:11.190]  Oh, that's rough because he has a plus 15 dildo.
[29:11.310 --> 29:12.190]  You gotta watch out for that.
[29:15.330 --> 29:18.490]  So, has anybody seen any of the summer movies that have come out recently?
[29:18.790 --> 29:19.950]  You know, any of them?
[29:20.150 --> 29:20.470]  Yeah.
[29:21.010 --> 29:21.950]  I saw Superman.
[29:22.350 --> 29:23.010]  Anybody see that?
[29:23.750 --> 29:24.890]  Yeah, exactly.
[29:25.410 --> 29:37.550]  But, but basically, it was really weird because right before Superman came out, like, a week before, I turn onto CNN and there's this, like, border, you know, that little thing that's always running and it's like, Superman is gay?
[29:38.030 --> 29:38.770]  Question mark?
[29:39.110 --> 29:41.990]  And then I turn to Fox News and it's like, Superman is gay!
[29:42.130 --> 29:43.730]  It's the end of the f*cking world, you know?
[29:43.870 --> 29:45.370]  Like, Jesus Christ!
[29:45.570 --> 29:48.390]  Like, Bill O'Reilly is like, Superman is definitely gay.
[29:48.570 --> 29:48.950]  Look at him.
[29:49.030 --> 29:52.510]  His package is waving in front of my face, corrupting our children.
[29:53.390 --> 29:54.670]  I know how it works.
[29:54.890 --> 29:56.030]  And I'm like, what?
[29:56.250 --> 30:01.470]  Like, did I miss the part of the movie where he just takes Jimmy Olsen and, like, blows him in the men's room stall or something?
[30:04.850 --> 30:06.410]  Golly, gee willikers, Superman!
[30:06.650 --> 30:07.410]  Cup the balls!
[30:07.590 --> 30:07.810]  You know?
[30:07.970 --> 30:12.410]  Like, Great Caesar's Ghost or some shit.
[30:14.590 --> 30:19.270]  So, yeah, I mean, alright, like, you want to make Superman gay?
[30:19.430 --> 30:20.130]  That's fine, you know?
[30:20.190 --> 30:20.570]  I don't care.
[30:20.670 --> 30:21.370]  That's cool, you know?
[30:21.370 --> 30:22.810]  However Superman wants to swing.
[30:23.330 --> 30:26.170]  But, I mean, like, if he's gonna, he's Superman, alright?
[30:26.210 --> 30:30.810]  He has super speed, he has super strength, he has super hearing, he's gotta be super gay.
[30:32.890 --> 30:35.530]  He just shows up on the scene, this looks like a job.
[30:35.970 --> 30:37.210]  For Thurperman!
[30:40.430 --> 30:42.350]  Lex Luthor, what are you doing?
[30:43.370 --> 30:47.170]  Are you trying to destroy Metropolis again, you silly Billy?
[30:47.370 --> 30:48.110]  You're cute.
[30:49.510 --> 30:51.230]  What's it like being bald?
[30:51.650 --> 30:52.090]  Hmm?
[30:53.490 --> 30:54.890]  Well, let me tell you something.
[30:55.050 --> 31:00.230]  The Justice League and I are having a ladies' night out on Tuesday, and we're wondering if you could show up, you know?
[31:00.990 --> 31:01.970]  Everybody's gonna be there.
[31:02.050 --> 31:09.270]  There's gonna be Batman and Robin, there's gonna be Aquaman and his dolphin, there's gonna be Wonder Woman, she's a total lesbo.
[31:09.910 --> 31:10.790]  I'm bad.
[31:12.350 --> 31:17.330]  So, is that just, is that just kryptonite in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
[31:18.110 --> 31:19.830]  It's like, it's uh, it's kryptonite.
[31:20.050 --> 31:22.690]  Well, whatever it is, it's making me weak in the knees.
[31:26.130 --> 31:27.810]  Oh, I've scarred you all for life.
[31:28.150 --> 31:34.150]  Um, so, you know, I'm kinda, you know, aside from that, I'm kinda sick of the news.
[31:34.350 --> 31:35.810]  I mean, yeah, I get it, alright?
[31:36.010 --> 31:37.230]  I'm gonna die one day.
[31:37.510 --> 31:38.990]  I've come to grips with that.
[31:39.110 --> 31:40.050]  Why can't you?
[31:40.350 --> 31:40.670]  You know?
[31:41.450 --> 31:43.150]  Just constantly, showing me things.
[31:43.370 --> 31:49.990]  Like, it's like that really annoying friend, who's always a f*cking downer, just walks up to you like, hey, did you hear that thing that happened in the Middle East?
[31:50.430 --> 31:52.010]  We're probably gonna die from that.
[31:52.110 --> 31:53.730]  It's like, no, we're probably not.
[31:54.030 --> 31:54.430]  Okay.
[31:55.870 --> 31:57.370]  hear that thing about the Middle East?
[31:58.290 --> 31:58.790]  Did you?
[31:59.210 --> 32:00.270]  I don't know if you did.
[32:00.450 --> 32:02.670]  Yeah, you just, you just f*cking told me like two seconds ago.
[32:03.550 --> 32:04.270]  Oh, did I?
[32:04.870 --> 32:06.130]  How about that Middle East?
[32:06.510 --> 32:07.650]  It's really crazy, right?
[32:07.730 --> 32:08.130]  Like, yeah.
[32:08.470 --> 32:11.790]  And so, basically, the news, like, they're throwing all this stuff at you.
[32:11.790 --> 32:13.130]  They just start creating shit.
[32:13.590 --> 32:17.150]  Like, sharks are growing legs, and they've learned how to use chainsaws.
[32:17.290 --> 32:18.050]  F*cking watch out!
[32:19.970 --> 32:21.270]  They're coming out of the water.
[32:21.430 --> 32:23.410]  We got really good sources.
[32:23.730 --> 32:24.550]  Yeah, they're over there.
[32:24.650 --> 32:29.070]  Atlantic Ocean, or something, you know, definitely oil, up $4 a gallon.
[32:32.070 --> 32:34.430]  Killer bees have learned how to use machine guns.
[32:34.530 --> 32:35.230]  News at 11.
[32:35.530 --> 32:41.150]  Like, so, you know, letting my geek flag fly and everything.
[32:41.610 --> 32:43.050]  Anybody a Harry Potter fan?
[32:45.050 --> 32:45.490]  Exactly!
[32:45.530 --> 32:46.770]  It f*cking sucks!
[32:46.770 --> 32:47.310]  I'm leaving!
[32:50.190 --> 33:04.530]  No, but, basically, with Harry Potter, it's really funny, because I saw a couple of the movies and everything, and, you know, they're alright, I guess, but it's really weird, because, you know, there's one character in that whole series who just f*cking sucks,
[33:04.590 --> 33:07.030]  and you don't want to be him, and can anybody guess who that is?
[33:08.730 --> 33:09.170]  No.
[33:09.530 --> 33:13.750]  But, basically, it's anyone who isn't Harry Potter.
[33:16.090 --> 33:18.610]  How the f*ck can you compete with that kid?
[33:18.830 --> 33:21.870]  He saves the world every other day by accident.
[33:22.990 --> 33:29.830]  Like, he just magically, oops, I found the goblet of fire, the world's saved again, like, yay!
[33:30.150 --> 33:34.470]  Like, f*ck, you're sitting back, you can't get laid, your spells won't work, like, Jesus!
[33:35.590 --> 33:48.550]  You just come into wizard school one day, and you've had enough, and you're asking this girl to the wizard's prom, you know, and you're like, hi, Sherry, do you want to go to the wizard's prom, or something, you know, with me?
[33:48.950 --> 33:53.490]  It's like, I'm sorry, uh, all the girls are going with Harry Potter.
[33:54.830 --> 33:58.530]  You know, Harry Potter's just walking past you with his entourage, like,
[34:04.430 --> 34:06.770]  he has some dude beatboxing behind him,
[34:10.470 --> 34:10.910]  HP!
[34:14.750 --> 34:27.390]  It's so basically, like, you're so tired of everything, you go home, your mom's sitting there, she's making something in the cauldron, or whatever the f*ck they use in those books, and she's like, uh, what did you get on that, uh, spells test?
[34:27.810 --> 34:29.210]  Uh, B minus?
[34:30.590 --> 34:30.930]  Yeah?
[34:31.470 --> 34:33.230]  Well, Harry Potter got an A plus.
[34:33.550 --> 34:34.630]  I'm gonna be in my room.
[34:36.210 --> 34:46.770]  You're just like, Jesus Christ, so you go up to your room, and you're just, had enough of everything, and, you try to commit suicide, because you can't take a world that has f*cking Harry Potter in it.
[34:47.250 --> 34:52.710]  So it comes up, you know, you put the gun up to your head, and all of a sudden, it's a pig or some shit, like a banana.
[34:53.190 --> 35:00.690]  And you look around, and you're like, what, why is my gun a banana now, and it's Harry Potter, and he's standing in the corner, and he did that shit accidentally, or something.
[35:01.870 --> 35:06.570]  It's like, the Goblet of Fire did it, but, uh, you know, uh, you've just been potted, bitch!
[35:06.750 --> 35:07.090]  Woo-hoo!
[35:09.910 --> 35:13.530]  So, uh, yeah, that's pretty much it for tonight.
[35:13.870 --> 35:14.590]  Thanks a lot, guys.
[35:19.390 --> 35:20.350]  Evan Valentine!
[35:21.730 --> 35:22.570]  All right!
[35:23.170 --> 35:25.810]  I was talking about all the big summer blockbuster movies.
[35:25.970 --> 35:28.290]  Last year was the sci-fi geek's dream.
[35:28.590 --> 35:29.350]  Everything came out.
[35:29.530 --> 35:30.110]  Alien vs. Predator came out, and I was so pissed off at it.
[35:32.530 --> 35:35.070]  I was really pissed off, because I know I shouldn't have done this.
[35:35.230 --> 35:36.970]  I downloaded some of it off the Internet.
[35:37.190 --> 35:37.350]  Yeah.
[35:38.130 --> 35:41.450]  And it was weird, because I thought, you know, I'm going to see some cool special effects.
[35:41.710 --> 35:47.830]  It was totally confusing, because it's this Cuban refugee on a raft, and he's being attacked by a shark.
[35:48.310 --> 35:50.810]  So I checked the file name, and it said illegal Alien vs. Predator.
[35:53.030 --> 35:56.010]  And I think that's like a whole different series right there.
[35:57.330 --> 35:58.430]  So, I don't know.
[36:00.490 --> 36:02.910]  Folks, are you ready for the head of the snake, as it were?
[36:03.090 --> 36:05.550]  This is the gentleman who put the geek comedy tour together.
[36:05.550 --> 36:08.070]  He booked us here, and he is going to make you laugh.
[36:08.210 --> 36:10.590]  Please welcome to the stage, Chris Berlick!
[36:11.130 --> 36:11.290]  Woo!
[36:15.420 --> 36:17.000]  Do we have any Mac users here?
[36:17.660 --> 36:18.060]  Anyone?
[36:18.060 --> 36:21.100]  Just raise your heroin-tracked arms!
[36:22.580 --> 36:23.380]  Sweet Jesus.
[36:23.720 --> 36:24.360]  Oh, God.
[36:24.760 --> 36:27.540]  I've been a tech consultant for a couple years, and it's a good job.
[36:27.660 --> 36:28.500]  I mean, it's a good job.
[36:28.600 --> 36:30.520]  But everybody's got a dream job.
[36:31.780 --> 36:33.440]  Smiley guy, what's your dream job, man?
[36:34.560 --> 36:35.760]  To program a Mac.
[36:35.940 --> 36:37.140]  To program a Mac.
[36:37.260 --> 36:37.500]  Okay.
[36:37.980 --> 36:39.260]  That's a little contrived.
[36:40.000 --> 36:40.800]  Holy sh...
[36:40.800 --> 36:41.460]  Oh, God.
[36:41.560 --> 36:43.760]  You know, I think my dream job is to be the Pope.
[36:43.940 --> 36:48.240]  Because if you think about it, this is as close as you're going to get to being a superhero.
[36:48.620 --> 36:49.040]  You know?
[36:49.280 --> 36:50.200]  You got the cape.
[36:50.300 --> 36:51.020]  You got the mask.
[36:51.220 --> 36:52.720]  You got the bulletproof car.
[36:53.820 --> 36:56.600]  But also, you get to choose the name that you go by.
[36:56.800 --> 36:59.900]  You know, one guy was John Paul II, another was Pius XVI.
[37:00.260 --> 37:02.820]  I'm just going to be Heathen Smasher 5000.
[37:09.080 --> 37:12.800]  A friend of mine, she started dating a guy named James Noble.
[37:13.080 --> 37:14.940]  At this point, I am f*cked.
[37:15.320 --> 37:17.240]  You know, because, compare this.
[37:17.520 --> 37:19.120]  Chris Barlick, James Noble.
[37:19.480 --> 37:24.220]  You know, James Noble is a guy with great hair, drives a cool car, lives a life of sexy danger.
[37:24.600 --> 37:29.060]  Chris Barlick is the guy who repeatedly offers to dissect your frog in bio class.
[37:30.080 --> 37:31.860]  So I figured out what I'm going to do next.
[37:31.860 --> 37:35.920]  I'm going to legally change my name to Tobias McAwesome IV.
[37:37.740 --> 37:39.020]  Oh, this is going to be great.
[37:39.160 --> 37:49.940]  I'm going to put on a hundred pounds of muscle, grow a full-length beard, look like the reformed Hells Angel who is saving kittens in the neighborhood, carry a broadsword, and dispense my own brand of rough justice.
[37:52.200 --> 37:56.640]  I've come to figure out I'm a geek, and I think I'm okay with this.
[37:56.800 --> 37:58.820]  The only problem is girls don't want the geeks.
[37:58.960 --> 38:00.000]  They want the bad boy.
[38:00.100 --> 38:01.300]  They want the f*cking thug.
[38:01.300 --> 38:03.420]  The only thing I can do about that is this.
[38:04.060 --> 38:07.260]  Girl, you don't know what I'm downloading or how it violates copyright.
[38:14.540 --> 38:19.420]  I'm looking around at all the beautiful women here, and all I can think is I can disappoint you all.
[38:21.960 --> 38:22.680]  Oh, God.
[38:22.960 --> 38:25.000]  I think you've got to get down to brass tacks here.
[38:25.100 --> 38:28.720]  You know, if you're a geek, you are going to have a kind of hard time sealing the deal.
[38:28.860 --> 38:33.420]  You know, odds are, if you go out on a date and you bring her back back to your apartment, a.k.a.
[38:33.640 --> 38:39.640]  Fort Awesome, she's not going to look around and be like, you've got an original Dreamcast.
[38:40.280 --> 38:41.160]  It's modded.
[38:41.620 --> 38:43.420]  These panties are side tie.
[38:45.220 --> 38:50.860]  You know, odds are, you're going to need all the help you're going to f*cking get, and I think this is where the government needs to step in.
[38:52.640 --> 38:58.940]  Ladies, I think your tax rebate should be directly proportional to the dorkiness of the guy you're sleeping with.
[38:59.900 --> 39:09.920]  If you go to a Star Trek convention and you pick up the 450-pound guy with the homemade tricorder and you actually f*ck this man, the government shouldn't send you a bill.
[39:10.020 --> 39:12.440]  They should send you a pony and a thank you note.
[39:18.040 --> 39:19.800]  Everybody's got an opinion about Internet dating.
[39:19.920 --> 39:21.620]  I think you need to treat it like a game.
[39:21.860 --> 39:26.680]  Every date you go on, you know, every date you go on is like a bingo card of crazy.
[39:26.860 --> 39:29.580]  And next time I go out, I'm f*cking keeping score.
[39:30.380 --> 39:32.180]  She doesn't get along with her father.
[39:32.380 --> 39:33.140]  B-12.
[39:34.880 --> 39:38.020]  She believes the events of the movie Labyrinth happen to her.
[39:38.180 --> 39:38.980]  I-14.
[39:41.900 --> 39:45.460]  She has a MySpace account for each one of her 37 cats.
[39:45.620 --> 39:46.260]  O-28.
[39:47.740 --> 39:48.180]  Bingo.
[39:48.400 --> 39:49.000]  I win.
[39:50.540 --> 39:51.320]  Oh, God.
[39:51.600 --> 39:53.040]  Oh, I just went home recently.
[39:53.240 --> 39:56.380]  I went up to the attic just to get and dig through all the stuff from my childhood.
[39:56.600 --> 39:58.160]  I found the treasure trove.
[39:58.240 --> 40:01.000]  But best of all, I found my old Teddy Ruxpin.
[40:01.180 --> 40:02.700]  Anyone remember this f*cking thing?
[40:05.400 --> 40:06.280]  Oh, God.
[40:07.140 --> 40:08.940]  Oh, but something never sat right with me.
[40:09.260 --> 40:14.560]  The Teddy Ruxpin, you know, if anyone remembers the commercials, the bear is reading to the kid.
[40:15.080 --> 40:21.500]  The bear finishes up, the kid says, I love you, Teddy Ruxpin, hugs the bear, turns away, goes to sleep.
[40:21.920 --> 40:28.580]  Now, at this point, you've given a robotic bear the job of reading your child their bedtime stories.
[40:29.180 --> 40:31.820]  At this point, you know, you just need to go all out, you know?
[40:32.080 --> 40:34.800]  The robo-bear can tell my daughter she's pretty.
[40:35.620 --> 40:38.680]  The robo-bear can give my son his insulin injection.
[40:39.340 --> 40:43.680]  You know who can go make sweet love to my wife while I watch Serenity?
[40:44.160 --> 40:45.360]  The robo-bear.
[40:47.800 --> 40:48.540]  Oh, God.
[40:48.680 --> 40:52.400]  I just finished grad school last year and it was just, you know, it's just weird.
[40:52.560 --> 40:57.140]  Every time I called and talked to my dad on the phone, he's asking, you know, hey, how's your social life going?
[40:57.260 --> 40:58.760]  Are you seeing any girls in your classes?
[40:58.960 --> 41:03.920]  Which basically boils down to he's trying to vicariously get laid through me.
[41:05.120 --> 41:07.540]  Way to hedge your bets.
[41:08.860 --> 41:14.540]  This is like going down to the Kentucky Derby and betting everything you've got on a mighty steed named Gluestick.
[41:17.570 --> 41:21.590]  You know, the one with its trainer crying as he slowly loads a revolver.
[41:24.570 --> 41:27.930]  So I'm single again and oh, God.
[41:28.250 --> 41:28.890]  Oh, don't awe.
[41:29.230 --> 41:30.250]  Believe me, it's logical.
[41:30.850 --> 41:31.130]  Oh, my.
[41:32.450 --> 41:35.550]  But, I mean, just never f*cking tell your...
[41:35.550 --> 41:45.110]  If you're single, even if you are lonelier than a fat girl on prom night, never tell your friends because all they're going to say is, oh, you're going to meet the right girl, the special girl for you.
[41:45.310 --> 41:49.810]  Folks, I'm wearing a t-shirt with Japanese cartoon robots on it.
[41:56.170 --> 42:03.250]  Odds are, the right girl for me is genuinely concerned about which house the sorting hat is going to put her into once she finally gets into Hogwarts.
[42:03.250 --> 42:03.410]  hearts.
[42:05.070 --> 42:07.370]  Oh, we got any anime fans here?
[42:07.550 --> 42:07.750]  Anyone?
[42:09.690 --> 42:11.010]  Oh, oh, God.
[42:11.810 --> 42:14.890]  I've just been thinking about hentai, and, you know, it...
[42:16.270 --> 42:16.790]  Oh.
[42:17.870 --> 42:29.450]  If you think about this, you know, the tentacle monster, you know, it's the classic thing, tentacle monster sexually assaults a young schoolgirl, and she kind of starts to enjoy it afterwards.
[42:29.450 --> 42:31.870]  I don't know what to say about that.
[42:32.030 --> 42:43.930]  But the thing is, maybe the tentacles are getting a bad rap, you know, because usually the tentacle monster has, like, over a dozen tentacles, and it only takes, like, six or seven to really, like, assault this person.
[42:44.210 --> 42:48.850]  So if you think about it, you know, maybe the tentacles are having second thoughts.
[42:48.970 --> 42:52.910]  You know, a couple are hanging back and blogging about their ambiguous feelings.
[42:54.330 --> 42:59.070]  A couple are just knitting her tea cozies to apologize.
[43:00.270 --> 43:02.790]  once reading a copy of Our Bodies Ourselves.
[43:04.970 --> 43:05.770]  Oh, God.
[43:06.290 --> 43:06.730]  Oh.
[43:06.990 --> 43:11.730]  So I finally just actually picked up a new alarm clock, and this is different.
[43:11.830 --> 43:14.210]  It's a robotic alarm clock called the Clocky.
[43:14.430 --> 43:17.910]  And the thing is, you know, this thing has wheels, so it's weird.
[43:18.010 --> 43:28.950]  You know, like a normal alarm clock, the alarm goes off in the morning and you hit it, but because this thing's on wheels, it'll run to a random location in the room and hide before it goes off again.
[43:29.070 --> 43:33.610]  So you actually have to hunt it down and find it if you want to hit it again.
[43:35.190 --> 43:43.410]  Is it just me or should we probably not base our domestic appliances around just spousal violence, you know?
[43:44.050 --> 43:52.010]  I've had this thing a week, and every time it wakes me up in the morning, I just throw a bottle of Boone's Farm at it, tell it I love it, and get to lend me some more money.
[43:53.950 --> 43:56.530]  Oh, I just had a weird thing the other day.
[43:56.590 --> 43:57.730]  A friend sent me a web link.
[43:57.890 --> 44:02.150]  Apparently, they've invented a machine gun that fires 3,000 rounds a minute.
[44:02.970 --> 44:06.590]  I'm just wondering, what do you have in your life that needs to die this badly?
[44:08.490 --> 44:14.910]  Even if you ran into the kid who beat you up in third grade, I think after 1,500 rounds, you can reach a point where you're like, you know what?
[44:15.470 --> 44:16.170]  We're cool.
[44:19.960 --> 44:21.680]  I had an epiphany the other day.
[44:21.820 --> 44:22.400]  I'm on campus.
[44:22.400 --> 44:23.840]  I'm just using the ATM.
[44:23.840 --> 44:24.500]  I finish up.
[44:24.580 --> 44:25.320]  I'm walking home.
[44:25.560 --> 44:32.480]  I pass by this 115-pound soaking wet goth kid dressed head-to-toe in black, smoking a clove cigarette and wearing a cape.
[44:32.600 --> 44:36.720]  And I realized God has finally given me someone to take lunch money from.
[44:40.040 --> 44:40.740]  Thank you.
[44:40.860 --> 44:41.180]  Good night.
[44:43.100 --> 44:43.880]  Thank you.
[44:44.860 --> 44:45.840]  Chris Berwick!
[44:49.190 --> 44:50.030]  All right.
[44:50.310 --> 44:50.910]  Thank you.
[44:51.470 --> 44:53.450]  Our next comic came to us in the D.C.
[44:53.610 --> 44:55.290]  area from the windy city of Chicago.
[44:55.670 --> 44:57.950]  He came up on stage a couple of years and made us laugh.
[44:58.190 --> 44:59.650]  He's going to do the same thing right here.
[44:59.830 --> 45:02.010]  Please welcome to the stage James Jones!
[45:07.960 --> 45:08.880]  Thank you all.
[45:09.060 --> 45:09.660]  Thank you all.
[45:10.280 --> 45:10.640]  Yeah.
[45:12.060 --> 45:12.480]  Yeah.
[45:13.820 --> 45:14.240]  Wow.
[45:14.800 --> 45:18.020]  You're probably all wondering when I'm going to break out with the Def Jam stuff.
[45:19.080 --> 45:20.720]  It's not going to happen tonight, folks.
[45:20.800 --> 45:21.340]  I'm sorry.
[45:21.840 --> 45:22.260]  No.
[45:22.520 --> 45:25.000]  My comedy's a little different than a lot of black comedians.
[45:25.160 --> 45:28.860]  A lot of them like to do black people, white people impressions, and I don't do those.
[45:29.260 --> 45:30.320]  It's too hard.
[45:31.340 --> 45:33.120]  I can't imitate black people.
[45:36.420 --> 45:37.680]  I'm serious, man.
[45:37.700 --> 45:39.300]  I can't even scare white people.
[45:44.560 --> 45:45.840]  I'm like, give me your money.
[45:45.980 --> 45:47.880]  They're like, I already got a good stockbroker.
[45:58.560 --> 46:00.640]  I snuck up behind an old white lady.
[46:00.820 --> 46:02.540]  She looked at me like, you gotta be kidding.
[46:03.580 --> 46:05.040]  I can't protect you.
[46:07.600 --> 46:08.660]  I'm in a wheelchair.
[46:10.540 --> 46:12.680]  I walked into a tattoo parlor.
[46:12.840 --> 46:15.420]  I said, give me something that'll make me look a little tougher.
[46:16.100 --> 46:18.680]  They said, do you want a flower or a lollipop?
[46:20.860 --> 46:22.180]  So I got a pansy.
[46:24.320 --> 46:26.540]  And I followed a white guy around the store.
[46:26.700 --> 46:29.640]  A store manager stopped me and asked me, is he bothering you?
[46:32.710 --> 46:34.350]  Can't even wear black clothes.
[46:34.750 --> 46:36.450]  You know, I don't want to look like this.
[46:36.450 --> 46:40.110]  I don't want to dress in this attire, but I don't have a choice, man.
[46:40.270 --> 46:44.810]  I tried buying some fubu clothes the other day, and the store manager would not sell them to me.
[46:44.950 --> 46:46.330]  I said, but it's fubu.
[46:46.470 --> 46:48.230]  It means for us, by us.
[46:48.710 --> 46:50.710]  They said, for you, we'll make an exception.
[46:54.050 --> 46:56.070]  Can't say the N-word in my comedy.
[46:56.410 --> 46:57.590]  Can't say it at all.
[46:57.790 --> 47:00.010]  No, because it just weirds the hell out of people.
[47:00.230 --> 47:03.990]  Because although I'm black, I talk like a nerdy white guy from the suburbs.
[47:04.990 --> 47:07.290]  And no one knows whether it's right or wrong.
[47:12.100 --> 47:14.900]  White people look at me like, should I laugh at the joke?
[47:15.280 --> 47:16.320]  I don't know.
[47:17.720 --> 47:20.740]  And black people look at me like, should I kick his ass?
[47:22.340 --> 47:23.520]  I don't know.
[47:23.520 --> 47:23.620]  No.
[47:25.600 --> 47:26.120]  Dog.
[47:29.470 --> 47:31.490]  I believe that's the current expression.
[47:38.550 --> 47:39.870]  Yeah, man.
[47:40.310 --> 47:46.530]  And it wears the hell out of me too because I'll be looking at myself in the mirror at home and I'll be like, what's up, N-word?
[47:46.610 --> 47:47.250]  What's up?
[47:47.910 --> 47:49.950]  Except I actually say the N-word.
[47:50.110 --> 47:54.090]  But when I say it, it sounds so racist that even I'm offended.
[47:55.550 --> 47:59.230]  And I have to tell myself it's okay because I got black friends.
[48:06.320 --> 48:11.400]  You know somebody just said something racist when they got to follow it by I've got black friends.
[48:12.860 --> 48:15.900]  Because nobody uses that under any other circumstances.
[48:17.400 --> 48:19.740]  It's never like, dude, you just hit a lamppost.
[48:19.840 --> 48:21.620]  It's okay, I got black friends.
[48:22.180 --> 48:23.300]  It's all good.
[48:26.740 --> 48:27.800]  I don't know.
[48:28.320 --> 48:29.100]  I don't know.
[48:29.300 --> 48:29.580]  Ouch.
[48:31.360 --> 48:32.680]  Black people, man.
[48:33.020 --> 48:34.740]  Black people are crazy, man.
[48:35.260 --> 48:36.140]  They're crazy.
[48:36.500 --> 48:37.960]  Say some crazy stuff.
[48:38.160 --> 48:39.400]  Stuff like you wouldn't believe.
[48:39.720 --> 48:41.140]  Like I was talking to one.
[48:44.100 --> 48:45.360]  I was, man.
[48:45.480 --> 48:46.520]  I got black friends.
[48:46.780 --> 48:47.080]  You know.
[48:47.920 --> 48:48.780]  That's how we do.
[48:49.460 --> 48:54.040]  No, I was talking to one and he was like, I got to go, bro.
[48:54.340 --> 48:54.840]  Peace.
[48:55.740 --> 48:56.340]  Peace.
[48:57.580 --> 49:01.040]  Why is it that you got to encourage me not to kill somebody?
[49:02.900 --> 49:05.460]  I've got on khakis and glasses.
[49:05.760 --> 49:07.760]  Odds are that's not on my agenda.
[49:09.960 --> 49:13.380]  Do some laundry, watch some Frasier, bust a cap.
[49:16.530 --> 49:20.210]  If it wasn't for that reminder, I'd be smoking you fools right now.
[49:23.370 --> 49:23.970]  Bitches.
[49:28.290 --> 49:29.390]  Oh, man.
[49:33.230 --> 49:33.790]  Hangman.
[49:34.730 --> 49:35.290]  Hangman.
[49:35.510 --> 49:37.270]  I don't like the game of hangman.
[49:37.550 --> 49:38.750]  I don't, man.
[49:39.010 --> 49:45.450]  I don't like the game of hangman because I don't think you need to kill somebody to motivate me to spell.
[49:49.080 --> 49:52.620]  Witnessing a homicide will not improve your grasp of phonics.
[49:53.980 --> 50:00.700]  And if the hangman were black, you could not play that game because you can't be apathetic about lynching.
[50:01.040 --> 50:02.480]  Oh, you forgot the why?
[50:02.780 --> 50:02.920]  Yeah?
[50:03.340 --> 50:05.000]  Now the black man is dead.
[50:07.760 --> 50:09.180]  Let's go get a sandwich.
[50:11.730 --> 50:12.190]  Apathy.
[50:12.730 --> 50:13.270]  Apathy.
[50:14.610 --> 50:17.210]  Now, don't know much about guns either.
[50:17.490 --> 50:18.370]  Not really.
[50:18.510 --> 50:19.430]  I never owned one.
[50:19.650 --> 50:20.550]  Never went hunting.
[50:20.930 --> 50:23.190]  Don't know much about the sport of hunting either.
[50:23.530 --> 50:29.150]  In fact, all I've learned can be summarized by what I've seen watching cartoons.
[50:29.150 --> 50:31.170]  But I can tell you this.
[50:31.350 --> 50:37.950]  If you're hunting rabbits and the rabbits can talk, then you are mentally outmatched.
[50:43.700 --> 50:47.560]  If the rabbit likes opera and can seduce you in feminine form,
[50:50.920 --> 50:53.120]  you need to find a new type of prey.
[50:54.520 --> 50:56.120]  It's just a little screwy.
[50:57.920 --> 50:58.440]  Whittle.
[50:58.640 --> 50:59.200]  Whittle bit.
[50:59.480 --> 50:59.720]  Whittle.
[51:00.060 --> 51:00.680]  Whittle bit.
[51:01.280 --> 51:02.080]  I don't know.
[51:02.200 --> 51:03.400]  Went to McDonald's today.
[51:04.480 --> 51:07.420]  I take it you're familiar with this establishment, yes?
[51:07.960 --> 51:09.260]  Oh, you'll like the joke.
[51:09.460 --> 51:09.680]  Great.
[51:09.900 --> 51:10.200]  Cool.
[51:10.460 --> 51:10.940]  Cool.
[51:11.180 --> 51:11.280]  Cool.
[51:11.420 --> 51:11.960]  Tell me this.
[51:12.040 --> 51:12.580]  Tell me this.
[51:12.860 --> 51:16.140]  Why are the chairs at McDonald's attached to the tables?
[51:17.820 --> 51:20.800]  Who in their right mind would ever want to steal one?
[51:22.280 --> 51:23.480]  What are you doing?
[51:23.480 --> 51:27.660]  Walking around your home going, you know what this dining room table could use?
[51:27.720 --> 51:30.060]  A chair with a picture of Grimace.
[51:33.360 --> 51:35.820]  Hey, kids, get out the good plastic silverware.
[51:35.880 --> 51:37.340]  Your daddy's bringing home a happy meal.
[51:39.460 --> 51:40.700]  I don't know, man.
[51:40.820 --> 51:42.020]  I don't know about this company.
[51:42.140 --> 51:44.920]  I think they have a complex about people stealing stuff from them.
[51:45.060 --> 51:50.820]  They're really paranoid because they're the only company that I know of that has a criminal in their advertisement.
[51:55.350 --> 51:56.930]  What's with the Hamburglar?
[51:57.430 --> 51:59.850]  Who steals hamburgers from McDonald's?
[52:00.830 --> 52:04.610]  Who looks at a Big Mac and goes, I'd risk jail time for that.
[52:07.730 --> 52:10.190]  And it's not like it's his first time either.
[52:10.410 --> 52:12.490]  The dude has a prison jumpsuit on.
[52:14.830 --> 52:16.850]  He is a repeat offender.
[52:18.090 --> 52:20.290]  He even bothered to change clothes.
[52:21.450 --> 52:26.190]  He just walked right out of prison and thought, I got to go steal some hamburgers.
[52:27.250 --> 52:29.470]  But first, I got to go find a cape.
[52:32.860 --> 52:34.240]  What's with the cape, man?
[52:34.480 --> 52:35.320]  What's with the cape?
[52:35.700 --> 52:36.180]  You know?
[52:36.440 --> 52:40.120]  I mean, if you have a cape, you got to be a superhero or something.
[52:40.300 --> 52:41.900]  And this man certainly is not one.
[52:42.140 --> 52:43.900]  You know, Superman can fly.
[52:44.460 --> 52:48.280]  You know, Luke Skywalker can manipulate the force.
[52:48.620 --> 52:52.460]  This guy has the ability to steal hamburgers from a clown.
[52:54.100 --> 52:55.200]  That's a superpower.
[52:56.040 --> 52:56.680]  You know?
[52:56.680 --> 52:57.640]  The only thing...
[52:57.640 --> 52:58.760]  That's not going to fool anybody.
[52:58.760 --> 53:04.020]  The only thing it does is make yourself look more obvious to the police, man.
[53:04.160 --> 53:06.820]  Because you can't even find enough people in a lineup.
[53:07.080 --> 53:08.220]  Who are you going to put there?
[53:08.500 --> 53:08.900]  You know?
[53:09.060 --> 53:12.220]  Batman, Darth Vader, and a brother with a bath towel.
[53:13.300 --> 53:14.560]  That's really about it.
[53:15.320 --> 53:16.420]  I don't know, man.
[53:16.620 --> 53:17.380]  I don't know.
[53:17.480 --> 53:17.960]  It's weird.
[53:18.320 --> 53:18.980]  It's weird.
[53:19.520 --> 53:23.180]  I'm about out of time, but I'm going to close with this, man.
[53:23.420 --> 53:24.480]  I'll tell you this.
[53:24.960 --> 53:28.780]  I don't live in a bad neighbor because my credit has served me well.
[53:30.220 --> 53:33.420]  But I think if I did, I would sleep with a ski mask on.
[53:34.120 --> 53:39.140]  That way, if a burglar ever broke in, I'd be like, looks like you should have got here earlier!
[53:42.200 --> 53:43.540]  Try the next house.
[53:44.860 --> 53:45.620]  Thanks, guys.
[53:45.720 --> 53:46.400]  I'm James Jones.
[53:52.770 --> 53:53.730]  James Jones!
[53:54.490 --> 53:55.450]  James Jones!
[53:57.250 --> 53:58.250]  All right.
[53:59.170 --> 54:01.310]  Our next comic is from McLean, Virginia.
[54:01.590 --> 54:05.690]  He has opened for such notable comedians as Dave Chappelle and Colin Quinn.
[54:05.910 --> 54:07.970]  Please welcome to the stage Ryan Conner!
[54:09.050 --> 54:09.830]  Thanks, Joe.
[54:10.530 --> 54:11.030]  All right, guys.
[54:11.110 --> 54:12.210]  Keep it going for Joe Dealey.
[54:15.420 --> 54:16.220]  All right.
[54:17.220 --> 54:18.060]  Oh, man.
[54:18.800 --> 54:20.360]  Any Transformers fans here?
[54:21.440 --> 54:22.480]  Get out of here!
[54:22.560 --> 54:23.160]  No way!
[54:24.440 --> 54:26.040]  I wasn't expecting that at all.
[54:26.180 --> 54:27.480]  I thought I was going to have to explain it.
[54:28.320 --> 54:30.960]  Now, I was a huge Transformers fan growing up.
[54:31.080 --> 54:32.980]  Like, now I've been watching the repeats and stuff.
[54:33.300 --> 54:36.500]  And I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't have been quite as into them.
[54:36.640 --> 54:45.500]  Because now that I'm older and I can understand the show, I think Transformers might be the stupidest characters in the history of TV.
[54:46.700 --> 54:47.100]  Right?
[54:47.160 --> 54:48.100]  Because they're robots.
[54:48.220 --> 54:49.860]  Robots are the coolest thing in the world.
[54:49.900 --> 54:50.820]  We all know that.
[54:50.820 --> 54:53.420]  If you're a robot, stay a f*cking robot.
[54:55.220 --> 54:58.540]  They're transforming things not nearly as cool as they already were.
[54:58.800 --> 54:59.000]  Right?
[54:59.100 --> 55:01.580]  Like, one of them transforms into a boombox.
[55:02.660 --> 55:03.160]  Right?
[55:03.160 --> 55:05.660]  It's like, how big of a regression can there be, right?
[55:06.440 --> 55:07.860]  His friends topped them, though.
[55:07.920 --> 55:09.600]  They turned it into audio cassette tapes.
[55:10.560 --> 55:11.740]  That's not even electronic.
[55:11.740 --> 55:14.780]  They went from robot to analog media storage.
[55:18.650 --> 55:19.950]  It's a general rule.
[55:20.090 --> 55:21.030]  It's a general rule.
[55:21.090 --> 55:26.250]  If you're a robot and you transform anything that's readily available at RadioShack, you're a shitty robot.
[55:29.430 --> 55:31.150]  Stay a f*cking robot.
[55:32.710 --> 55:33.470]  Oh, man.
[55:34.770 --> 55:38.970]  I was over at one of my friend's houses who was actually on the show tonight.
[55:39.230 --> 55:43.550]  And he has this company where he fixes Mac laptops out of his apartment.
[55:43.990 --> 55:47.170]  And I was on his computer and he was frustrated with this one.
[55:47.250 --> 55:48.730]  He was just cursing at it and stuff.
[55:48.930 --> 55:51.010]  I was like, man, what's wrong with that laptop?
[55:51.010 --> 55:55.190]  And he goes, some stupid client poured a latte on the keyboard.
[55:55.190 --> 55:56.810]  Now I have to replace the whole thing.
[55:57.470 --> 55:59.830]  I was like, they poured a latte on the keyboard?
[56:01.010 --> 56:02.790]  You sure they didn't spill it?
[56:04.450 --> 56:06.210]  And he just gave me this look like, I don't know.
[56:06.330 --> 56:09.570]  Like, it never even occurred to him that it was probably an accident.
[56:11.890 --> 56:21.030]  He knows so much about computers, he assumes that the average person knows so little that they would just pour a latte on the keyboard, just, let's roll the dice.
[56:21.230 --> 56:22.010]  I don't know what...
[56:22.010 --> 56:23.030]  I've never done this before.
[56:23.210 --> 56:24.030]  Let's f*cking...
[56:24.030 --> 56:26.430]  Maybe treasure comes out at the disk drive.
[56:26.530 --> 56:26.950]  I don't know.
[56:27.450 --> 56:28.250]  I don't know.
[56:32.630 --> 56:35.930]  He's picturing this client coming home from work like, oh, God.
[56:36.110 --> 56:37.770]  I really need to unwind.
[56:37.770 --> 56:40.650]  I guess I'll play a little free cell or something.
[56:42.130 --> 56:42.790]  Oh, shit.
[56:42.890 --> 56:43.730]  The mouse won't work.
[56:45.950 --> 56:47.030]  I don't know what to do.
[56:47.610 --> 56:50.310]  I can't go to help because the mouse won't work.
[56:51.010 --> 56:52.870]  And I don't know what the alt button does.
[57:02.430 --> 57:04.370]  Maybe if I pour the latte on the keyboard.
[57:09.190 --> 57:10.190]  Shit, nothing.
[57:11.690 --> 57:13.370]  Not a drop of treasure.
[57:14.590 --> 57:15.310]  Oh, I know.
[57:15.370 --> 57:16.690]  I bet it's control latte.
[57:25.500 --> 57:26.880]  Then I was playing...
[57:26.880 --> 57:29.140]  The same guy, I was playing Madden with him.
[57:30.100 --> 57:32.380]  And, you know, it's just a video game.
[57:32.480 --> 57:33.080]  It's Madden.
[57:33.480 --> 57:37.810]  But for some reason, he started reflecting on his life because of a video game.
[57:38.140 --> 57:41.700]  Like, I was the Bears and their running back was a rookie last year.
[57:42.100 --> 57:43.340]  Only 22 years old.
[57:43.420 --> 57:46.710]  And when his stats came up, he goes, oh, my God.
[57:47.510 --> 57:50.960]  Cedric Benson's only 22 years old and he's already in a video game.
[57:51.480 --> 57:52.750]  Man, we're both 25.
[57:52.750 --> 57:54.900]  We're not even close to being in video games.
[57:55.360 --> 57:56.730]  Where do we go wrong?
[57:57.500 --> 58:02.940]  Like, he was actually down on himself because a professional athlete beat him to being in a video game.
[58:03.020 --> 58:07.620]  And the weird thing is it rubbed off on me for a few minutes and I was kind of down on myself too.
[58:08.160 --> 58:09.040]  And then it hit me.
[58:09.100 --> 58:09.920]  I was like, you know what?
[58:09.920 --> 58:16.040]  Maybe we shouldn't be in video games considering I'm a stand-up comic and he works at a grocery store.
[58:17.140 --> 58:19.580]  Like, I can't imagine those being hot sellers, you know?
[58:20.060 --> 58:26.700]  Just can't picture kids rushing to get home from school to do a price check on Snow Peas in the supermarket suite video game.
[58:27.500 --> 58:29.200]  Calling their friends up at 4 o'clock.
[58:29.340 --> 58:30.730]  They're like, oh, man, you're not going to believe it.
[58:30.860 --> 58:33.040]  I just stocked out four in under six minutes.
[58:34.880 --> 58:39.960]  On the startup screen, if you hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start, you get an extra large shopping cart.
[58:41.040 --> 58:41.880]  It's crazy.
[58:44.120 --> 58:48.840]  If you go outside, hold down, select, and hit A and B really fast, you can punch the Salvation Army guy.
[58:49.980 --> 58:51.380]  This game is the best.
[58:54.950 --> 58:57.330]  Yeah, so most comics will have a website.
[58:57.550 --> 59:01.270]  Like, most of the people on the show, their website's like whatevertheirnameis.com.
[59:01.790 --> 59:04.030]  I couldn't get ryanconnor.com, though.
[59:04.170 --> 59:07.450]  I'd get ryanconnorcomedy.com because...
[59:07.450 --> 59:09.490]  Does anyone know what ryanconnor.com is?
[59:10.630 --> 59:11.790]  It's a porn site.
[59:13.250 --> 59:15.970]  It's a famous porn star who shares my name.
[59:16.230 --> 59:18.690]  To make it worse, it's a female porn star.
[59:19.770 --> 59:22.950]  And then to add another level, she specializes in anal.
[59:24.530 --> 59:29.790]  Like, her most famous movies are called The Ass is Half Full and Stop, My Ass is on Fire.
[59:31.090 --> 59:32.010]  Part four.
[59:33.470 --> 59:34.910]  So, like, it's awkward for me.
[59:35.030 --> 59:42.790]  Like, if someone wants to get information on me, like, they type my name into Google and the first result is like, you'll be amazed as Ryan Conner takes two cocks at once.
[59:45.110 --> 59:46.990]  And my mom saw that.
[59:49.670 --> 59:52.170]  And at the time, she didn't know I did comedy.
[59:52.670 --> 59:57.010]  And she wasn't gonna click on it to find out it wasn't me because she doesn't want to see me take two cocks at once.
[59:59.430 --> 01:00:01.090]  She just assumed it was true.
[01:00:02.330 --> 01:00:04.350]  She called me up all upset.
[01:00:04.690 --> 01:00:08.750]  She was like, um, Ryan, um, I know what you're into.
[01:00:10.990 --> 01:00:12.570]  No, I don't approve.
[01:00:12.610 --> 01:00:13.050]  No.
[01:00:14.510 --> 01:00:17.270]  Well, I just think two at once is a little overindulgent.
[01:00:17.410 --> 01:00:17.850]  That's all.
[01:00:18.590 --> 01:00:19.870]  Stop showing off.
[01:00:21.050 --> 01:00:22.350]  The neighbors are talking.
[01:00:24.870 --> 01:00:27.550]  I used to have this job working for a department of defense contractor.
[01:00:28.070 --> 01:00:32.010]  And, uh, we created and tested combat simulators for the military.
[01:00:32.210 --> 01:00:36.570]  So when they get into any type of specific combat situation, they run a simulator and they know how to react.
[01:00:37.090 --> 01:00:41.210]  Since we're working with combat simulators, you know there's gonna be some weird people working there.
[01:00:41.710 --> 01:00:45.250]  There's this one guy named Drew who was just above and beyond everyone else.
[01:00:45.390 --> 01:00:50.970]  He used to walk around work every day carrying a bo staff up and down the halls like he's Gandalf or something.
[01:00:51.690 --> 01:00:52.930]  And it was normal to him.
[01:00:53.050 --> 01:00:53.790]  He was like, well, I'm at work.
[01:00:53.850 --> 01:00:55.170]  Why wouldn't I have my bo staff?
[01:00:57.790 --> 01:01:01.490]  And the weird thing is no one even questioned it for three months.
[01:01:02.310 --> 01:01:07.070]  We were like, you know, he carries a briefcase or we carry briefcases he carries a bo staff tomato, tomato, whatever.
[01:01:07.450 --> 01:01:08.470]  Let him, just let him do it.
[01:01:08.830 --> 01:01:11.710]  Finally, my boss sat him down to find out why he carried it.
[01:01:11.950 --> 01:01:14.270]  Turns out he, he carried it because he played LARP.
[01:01:14.850 --> 01:01:18.790]  Which, if you don't know what LARP is, it stands for live action role playing.
[01:01:19.530 --> 01:01:20.850]  Which is, yeah.
[01:01:21.350 --> 01:01:23.310]  She said the dark corner role playing.
[01:01:23.530 --> 01:01:24.050]  I'm going to agree.
[01:01:24.450 --> 01:01:30.670]  If you don't know what it is, it's like Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, except real life, 24 hours a day.
[01:01:30.910 --> 01:01:34.510]  He and his 20 friends all think that they are the characters.
[01:01:34.670 --> 01:01:35.350]  24 hours a day.
[01:01:35.530 --> 01:01:37.970]  Wizards, warlocks, fallen angels.
[01:01:38.390 --> 01:01:42.690]  One of them is Cindy Lauper, but he's retarded so I don't have the heart to tell him that she wasn't a mythical beast.
[01:01:43.810 --> 01:01:47.150]  I just let him go with it, pretend they're scared when he comes at them with a manic Monday.
[01:01:47.490 --> 01:01:48.490]  I don't know.
[01:01:50.110 --> 01:01:53.810]  But, every day there's something weird with this guy, the weirdest day of all.
[01:01:54.330 --> 01:02:00.650]  If for some reason he thought everyone else in the world was in this LARP game with him or something, I'm just sitting at my desk working on stuff.
[01:02:00.910 --> 01:02:03.950]  He comes up from behind me, out of nowhere, taps me on the shoulder.
[01:02:04.310 --> 01:02:06.350]  I turn around, I'm like, what's up Drew?
[01:02:07.030 --> 01:02:10.770]  He goes, Ryan, I bet I can take you in a sword fight.
[01:02:12.310 --> 01:02:15.530]  I was like, yeah, probably got a pretty solid shot there, man.
[01:02:15.590 --> 01:02:16.790]  I've never even held a sword before.
[01:02:17.650 --> 01:02:18.910]  Like, you're going to win that.
[01:02:18.970 --> 01:02:21.110]  Like, unless I have a gun, you're winning that fight.
[01:02:22.030 --> 01:02:28.750]  Without hesitation, he goes, well, actually, even if you had a gun, I would still win because I'm a master swordsman so I just deflect all the bullets.
[01:02:29.610 --> 01:02:31.790]  And I was like, holy shit, Drew.
[01:02:34.130 --> 01:02:35.730]  Did I just hear you correctly?
[01:02:36.390 --> 01:02:37.370]  He was like, yeah?
[01:02:37.910 --> 01:02:39.850]  I was like, Drew, we got to make this shit happen.
[01:02:42.690 --> 01:02:43.770]  It's f*cking on.
[01:02:45.330 --> 01:02:48.370]  So we set up a meeting for that weekend at a park to do battle.
[01:02:49.170 --> 01:02:52.890]  I didn't want anyone to get hurt though, so I was like, you know what, I'm going to bring a paintball gun.
[01:02:53.030 --> 01:02:55.730]  But f*ck it, Drew, bring a sword, try to cut me up.
[01:02:55.770 --> 01:02:58.970]  I'll even sign a waiver that says if Drew kills me today, it's cool we had a bet.
[01:03:02.750 --> 01:03:05.410]  So we start like 25 yards apart, right?
[01:03:05.490 --> 01:03:13.670]  That's, you know, that's kind of a long ways considering all I have to do is move my finger an eighth of an inch and he has to run 25 yards and stab.
[01:03:14.670 --> 01:03:16.210]  So I was cocky as hell.
[01:03:16.390 --> 01:03:23.930]  Like, I'm over here, Drew's over here, my friend Glenn's over here reffing it, or whatever you call someone who runs warlock battles.
[01:03:23.950 --> 01:03:25.010]  I don't know if it's a ref.
[01:03:26.650 --> 01:03:28.270]  He's like, ready, set, go.
[01:03:28.410 --> 01:03:32.890]  As soon as he says go, I shoot Drew in the chest five times before he can even move.
[01:03:33.990 --> 01:03:36.890]  Then I start to walk away, raise my hands in victory.
[01:03:37.230 --> 01:03:40.210]  I look over, Drew's running at me like this with a sword.
[01:03:40.570 --> 01:03:42.030]  I'm like, what are you doing, Drew?
[01:03:42.210 --> 01:03:44.070]  He goes, they bounced off my force field.
[01:03:44.410 --> 01:03:46.030]  He just keeps coming at me.
[01:03:46.170 --> 01:03:48.590]  So I start shooting him in the face over and over.
[01:03:49.610 --> 01:03:52.470]  It's like, eventually he falls from all the paint in his eyes.
[01:03:52.890 --> 01:03:56.390]  Then once he was down, I'm sorry, kicking the shit out until he was unconscious.
[01:03:58.430 --> 01:04:01.330]  So like, long story short, now I'm like a level nine sorcerer.
[01:04:03.490 --> 01:04:04.450]  All right, thanks guys.
[01:04:04.630 --> 01:04:06.790]  Check out my website, ryanconnorcomedy.com.
[01:04:07.010 --> 01:04:07.870]  Enjoy the rest of the show.
[01:04:09.310 --> 01:04:09.990]  Thanks, John.
[01:04:10.410 --> 01:04:11.370]  Ryan Conner!
[01:04:15.020 --> 01:04:15.460]  Excellent.
[01:04:17.260 --> 01:04:23.000]  All right, our next member is one of the founding members of the Geek Comedy Tour 3000, and she's also the prettiest.
[01:04:23.220 --> 01:04:24.900]  Please welcome Erin Conroy!
[01:04:26.560 --> 01:04:27.020]  Thank you.
[01:04:27.660 --> 01:04:28.100]  Yeah!
[01:04:29.400 --> 01:04:31.060]  Prettiest besides Joe Dealey.
[01:04:31.220 --> 01:04:32.160]  Give it up, everybody.
[01:04:32.740 --> 01:04:33.180]  Sexy!
[01:04:35.860 --> 01:04:36.860]  How's everybody doing tonight?
[01:04:36.940 --> 01:04:37.140]  Good?
[01:04:37.400 --> 01:04:37.760]  Great?
[01:04:38.000 --> 01:04:38.400]  All right!
[01:04:39.020 --> 01:04:43.820]  We actually started the Geek Comedy Tour in Washington, D.C., where most of us are from.
[01:04:43.820 --> 01:04:45.860]  But I actually just moved up here to New York recently.
[01:04:46.560 --> 01:04:48.000]  Anybody here actually live in New York?
[01:04:49.060 --> 01:04:49.500]  Yeah!
[01:04:50.480 --> 01:04:52.240]  New York is a little intimidating for me.
[01:04:52.240 --> 01:04:56.140]  when I started looking at apartments and boxes I could afford in Brooklyn.
[01:04:57.100 --> 01:04:57.420]  And...
[01:04:58.640 --> 01:04:58.960]  Bastards.
[01:04:59.240 --> 01:05:05.620]  And I decided, you know, every move is a little scary, so I thought I'd do a little research first to kind of, like, make it a little easier on myself.
[01:05:06.000 --> 01:05:08.440]  You know, the more I know about a place, the better it's going to be.
[01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:09.980]  So, um...
[01:05:09.980 --> 01:05:14.360]  So I decided to stay in for a weekend-long marathon of Law & Order SVU.
[01:05:18.620 --> 01:05:22.840]  So 26 episodes, nine Red Bulls, a bottle of Kahlua later.
[01:05:23.660 --> 01:05:29.360]  I'm waking up on Monday morning to consult my notes, and it's just a piece of paper with my tear stains all over it.
[01:05:30.600 --> 01:05:37.680]  A couple of cigarette burns and unhappy faces on it and the two-word Central Park with a big circle and an X right through it.
[01:05:37.740 --> 01:05:39.340]  I'm just like, I'm going to be fine.
[01:05:39.560 --> 01:05:41.100]  Just fine.
[01:05:42.480 --> 01:05:52.740]  No, but my complete and total fear of Manhattan hasn't stopped me from going out, having a good time, because I'm a drunk and got to get out there and fall down a lot.
[01:05:53.040 --> 01:05:54.240]  So, uh...
[01:05:54.240 --> 01:06:03.980]  But I think it's getting a little scary for me because it's gotten to the point where a night out drinking for me has started to take on a very, very, like, set kind of routine.
[01:06:04.540 --> 01:06:07.540]  And it always ends up resembling a choose-your-own-adventure book.
[01:06:08.280 --> 01:06:09.580]  You guys remember those?
[01:06:10.280 --> 01:06:17.660]  In that a night out drinking for me, every decision I make as the night progresses will eventually affect the outcome at the end of the night.
[01:06:18.620 --> 01:06:19.360]  And, like, I'm...
[01:06:19.360 --> 01:06:20.320]  You know, it's like early in the night.
[01:06:20.440 --> 01:06:28.900]  It's like, all right, Aaron, if you want to stay on the level, keep drinking beer, if you want to stay in the bathroom all day tomorrow, go do shots of tequila with the Brazilian soccer team.
[01:06:30.000 --> 01:06:34.800]  A couple hours later, it's like, all right, you want to make yourself sick, go two doors down, get a jumbo slice of pizza.
[01:06:35.600 --> 01:06:41.900]  You want to make everybody in the bar sick, go up to the stage, grab the microphone, and do your reggae rendition of Rhinestone Cowboy.
[01:06:43.660 --> 01:06:48.700]  And then it's the end of the night, and it's like, all right, Aaron, if you want to go home, get in that taxi cab.
[01:06:48.920 --> 01:06:52.700]  If you want to go to jail, punch that police horse in the mouth and drop your pants.
[01:06:54.620 --> 01:06:55.740]  I choose jail.
[01:06:57.200 --> 01:06:58.120]  Every time.
[01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:02.200]  So, speaking of jail, anybody in a relationship?
[01:07:05.880 --> 01:07:07.220]  I am hilarious.
[01:07:08.040 --> 01:07:09.680]  Yeah, no, nobody's dating here.
[01:07:09.780 --> 01:07:10.460]  We're all married.
[01:07:10.560 --> 01:07:11.020]  Back off.
[01:07:11.180 --> 01:07:14.740]  No, I'm single, surprisingly enough, on a geek comedy tour.
[01:07:14.900 --> 01:07:15.560]  Can't get a date.
[01:07:17.000 --> 01:07:17.720]  It's weird.
[01:07:18.180 --> 01:07:22.840]  The last relationship I was in, we were together for two years, but it just wasn't working.
[01:07:22.840 --> 01:07:23.660]  We were too different.
[01:07:24.400 --> 01:07:26.220]  You know, he was a morning person.
[01:07:26.880 --> 01:07:27.880]  I'm a night person.
[01:07:28.340 --> 01:07:29.720]  He was a Pisces.
[01:07:30.060 --> 01:07:30.640]  I'm a Cancer.
[01:07:31.220 --> 01:07:32.240]  He was a cop.
[01:07:32.460 --> 01:07:34.920]  I sell illegal fireworks out of my crystal meth lab.
[01:07:35.400 --> 01:07:36.020]  It just...
[01:07:37.660 --> 01:07:38.780]  He'd put the cuffs on me.
[01:07:38.800 --> 01:07:40.000]  I'd be like, oh, going downtown?
[01:07:40.140 --> 01:07:40.740]  And then we would.
[01:07:42.000 --> 01:07:43.040]  And he'd book me.
[01:07:44.140 --> 01:07:45.020]  Stay with me.
[01:07:45.320 --> 01:07:45.740]  And...
[01:07:46.740 --> 01:07:49.780]  So after that breakup, I started thinking that I'd want some sort of revenge on him.
[01:07:50.440 --> 01:07:51.360]  Because I'm crazy.
[01:07:52.000 --> 01:07:52.420]  And...
[01:07:54.120 --> 01:08:01.760]  I started thinking, I think revenge would be a lot easier nowadays if things were still like they were back in the pioneer days.
[01:08:02.980 --> 01:08:05.420]  Let me explain myself because that sounds bizarre.
[01:08:06.000 --> 01:08:10.940]  Everything I know about the pioneer days, I learned from playing the computer game Oregon Trail.
[01:08:17.260 --> 01:08:19.680]  So naturally, I fancy myself an expert.
[01:08:20.720 --> 01:08:22.680]  Because one time my wagon got to Missouri.
[01:08:24.160 --> 01:08:40.880]  So I figured if things were now like they were in the Oregon Trail days, I'd just put him in my wagon and then buy substandard amounts of food and clothing, intentionally not for the river when I knew I should have, and then just sit back and wait for like a snakebiter syphilis or something.
[01:08:43.160 --> 01:08:43.520]  Yeah.
[01:08:44.900 --> 01:08:49.040]  Oregon Trail, that's one of my favorite things and I think that's why they asked me to be on the Geek Comedy Tour.
[01:08:49.200 --> 01:08:51.200]  But also, I'm a huge Sci-Fi Channel fan.
[01:08:51.980 --> 01:08:52.760]  I know you...
[01:08:52.760 --> 01:08:53.120]  Come on.
[01:08:53.240 --> 01:08:53.400]  Yeah.
[01:08:53.840 --> 01:08:54.380]  Come on.
[01:08:54.580 --> 01:08:54.680]  Come on.
[01:08:54.680 --> 01:08:54.840]  Come on.
[01:08:55.620 --> 01:09:01.740]  Sci-Fi Channel is my favorite channel ever, not because of like the constant quantum leap marathons, which are fantastic, by the way.
[01:09:01.920 --> 01:09:02.540]  The next leap.
[01:09:02.680 --> 01:09:03.400]  Maybe the next one.
[01:09:03.400 --> 01:09:04.620]  But, uh...
[01:09:05.240 --> 01:09:06.340]  Hang in there, Sam.
[01:09:06.680 --> 01:09:07.480]  I, uh...
[01:09:08.520 --> 01:09:14.960]  My favorite thing about the Sci-Fi Channel are the commercials on the Sci-Fi Channel that are specially tailored for Sci-Fi Channel audiences.
[01:09:15.540 --> 01:09:17.080]  Like, I know you've seen this one.
[01:09:17.180 --> 01:09:33.300]  There's this one that comes on like 4 o'clock on a Saturday night that's like, hey everyone at home, you too can own authentic, handcrafted swords from such shows as Highlander and Hercules and Small Wonder and, um...
[01:09:35.280 --> 01:09:37.880]  And then me, I'm sitting at home by myself with a bottle of bourbon.
[01:09:37.980 --> 01:09:39.360]  I'm like, that is so weird.
[01:09:39.400 --> 01:09:42.340]  I was just thinking about how I needed a sword.
[01:09:44.180 --> 01:09:53.560]  And then like three to six weeks later, here I am saddled with this authentic, handcrafted sword and like I gotta pawn it off on somebody else and try and like explain to them why they really, really need to buy it from me.
[01:09:54.120 --> 01:09:58.340]  And I'm just like, yeah, Grandpa, it is pretty.
[01:09:59.260 --> 01:09:59.620]  Um...
[01:09:59.620 --> 01:10:10.600]  It's also the exact same sword that Xena used in episode 37 to defeat the evil wizard of Peoria.
[01:10:11.980 --> 01:10:16.580]  And, uh, yeah, no, you can use it to trim the hedges and clean the gutters and everything.
[01:10:16.580 --> 01:10:20.780]  And it's also really excellent at killing Morlocks and Unitarians.
[01:10:21.240 --> 01:10:21.880]  So...
[01:10:24.040 --> 01:10:25.360]  The one Unitarian!
[01:10:25.480 --> 01:10:26.300]  I gotta get out of here!
[01:10:27.420 --> 01:10:28.440]  You're cool, man.
[01:10:28.520 --> 01:10:28.820]  It's cool.
[01:10:29.820 --> 01:10:34.080]  Sci-Fi Channel's great, but I think the greatest TV of all time, um, it was on in the 80s.
[01:10:34.140 --> 01:10:37.200]  I can't find it now except on the Game Show Network, which is just a shame.
[01:10:37.380 --> 01:10:38.780]  But, uh, Double Dare.
[01:10:38.980 --> 01:10:39.760]  You guys remember Double Dare?
[01:10:40.440 --> 01:10:41.880]  Yeah, of course you do.
[01:10:42.560 --> 01:10:45.160]  The best part about Double Dare was, of course, what?
[01:10:45.820 --> 01:10:46.800]  Physical challenge, right?
[01:10:46.940 --> 01:10:52.120]  You're asked a question, you can either answer it or you can dare it back to the other side or you can take the physical challenge.
[01:10:52.980 --> 01:10:55.680]  And I just think, how great would that be if we had that nowadays?
[01:10:56.580 --> 01:11:10.020]  That way, in a hypothetical situation such as this, if somebody was to say to me, okay, Erin, you can either stay 200 yards away from the Olsen twins at all times or you can go to jail.
[01:11:10.160 --> 01:11:11.380]  And I'd be like, physical challenge!
[01:11:11.480 --> 01:11:12.220]  And they'd be like, all right.
[01:11:14.240 --> 01:11:23.660]  Then if you climb up this slide covered in whipped cream, swim through this pool of green slime and pick a flag out of that giant nose, you can punch Mary Kate once in the kidneys.
[01:11:27.970 --> 01:11:28.530]  That's me.
[01:11:28.630 --> 01:11:31.130]  That joke never would have had to have been written if she'd answer my letters.
[01:11:33.010 --> 01:11:34.070]  She's a skinny bitch.
[01:11:34.310 --> 01:11:35.210]  That's it for me, guys.
[01:11:35.330 --> 01:11:36.110]  Thanks very much.
[01:11:39.210 --> 01:11:40.150]  Thank you very much.
[01:11:40.510 --> 01:11:41.450]  Erin Conroy!
[01:11:42.070 --> 01:11:42.470]  Woo!
[01:11:45.290 --> 01:11:46.050]  All right.
[01:11:46.270 --> 01:11:51.870]  We've got two more comics to go and there are no words to describe the wonder and the magic that is our next comic.
[01:11:52.030 --> 01:11:54.030]  Please welcome to the stage Frank Hong!
[01:11:54.670 --> 01:11:55.050]  Woo!
[01:11:56.570 --> 01:11:57.110]  Thank you.
[01:12:01.090 --> 01:12:01.970]  What's up, guys?
[01:12:02.190 --> 01:12:02.530]  How you feeling?
[01:12:02.610 --> 01:12:03.630]  Give it up for Joe, everyone.
[01:12:03.870 --> 01:12:04.450]  Everyone's just good.
[01:12:07.310 --> 01:12:08.750]  You guys feeling all right?
[01:12:08.990 --> 01:12:09.890]  Do you guys like to eat?
[01:12:10.230 --> 01:12:10.870]  Like to go out there?
[01:12:10.950 --> 01:12:11.330]  No, never.
[01:12:11.470 --> 01:12:11.790]  Never.
[01:12:13.930 --> 01:12:19.830]  Some restaurants, when you order, they'll ask for your name so when your order's ready they can call your name over the loudspeaker.
[01:12:20.610 --> 01:12:22.650]  I hate telling them that my name is Frank.
[01:12:23.150 --> 01:12:24.510]  I don't look like a Frank.
[01:12:25.710 --> 01:12:28.610]  And when I tell them, they'll make this face like a mind to them.
[01:12:29.870 --> 01:12:32.610]  So now I'll give them a name that's more unbelievable.
[01:12:34.390 --> 01:12:35.630]  Hercules, your order's ready.
[01:12:36.330 --> 01:12:36.750]  Hercules.
[01:12:37.990 --> 01:12:38.410]  Hercules.
[01:12:39.710 --> 01:12:41.450]  I'll go up there with my shirt off.
[01:12:43.650 --> 01:12:45.470]  There's a snake around my neck.
[01:12:46.070 --> 01:12:47.890]  I'm carrying a battle axe.
[01:12:48.650 --> 01:12:54.270]  People at the restaurant are like, dude, you're like the Asian Kevin Sorbo.
[01:12:56.230 --> 01:12:57.390]  That rocks.
[01:12:58.450 --> 01:13:01.990]  You guys remember that television show, Hercules, like 10 years back?
[01:13:02.750 --> 01:13:02.830]  Yeah.
[01:13:03.050 --> 01:13:05.450]  Kevin Sorbo, he was a star at that television show.
[01:13:05.830 --> 01:13:08.690]  To me, he's the most underappreciated celebrity of all time.
[01:13:09.850 --> 01:13:12.170]  He's like the poor man's David Hasselhoff.
[01:13:16.180 --> 01:13:20.140]  Other restaurants, now they'll charge you by the weight of the food in your container.
[01:13:20.400 --> 01:13:23.880]  They'll charge you like $4.99 a pound, $5.99 a pound.
[01:13:24.520 --> 01:13:27.400]  I like to put a 45-pound dumbbell in my container.
[01:13:29.140 --> 01:13:32.500]  To me, it's really funny right up to the point when you have to pay.
[01:13:36.680 --> 01:13:47.380]  When someone tells me a strong opinion there is to me, I'll respond by saying, I hate to play the angel's advocate, and then I'll repeat everything that I just said.
[01:13:50.840 --> 01:13:52.040]  And I'll agree with them.
[01:13:55.280 --> 01:13:58.560]  Sometimes when I'm bored and I want to go out, I don't have a lot of cash on me.
[01:13:58.720 --> 01:13:59.540]  All I have is a dollar.
[01:13:59.940 --> 01:14:01.260]  I like to go to the park.
[01:14:01.720 --> 01:14:03.180]  I'll put the dollar on the ground.
[01:14:03.840 --> 01:14:09.020]  I'll ride on it with a red marker that says, turn around so I can see my victim's face.
[01:14:15.750 --> 01:14:19.370]  and then I'll go hide.
[01:14:20.950 --> 01:14:25.830]  When somebody walks by, they pick it up, they read it, and they turn around.
[01:14:26.230 --> 01:14:30.450]  I'll jump out with a camera and a sickle.
[01:14:36.110 --> 01:14:36.830]  Wow.
[01:14:37.750 --> 01:14:41.170]  One dollar equals countless hours of fun.
[01:14:47.260 --> 01:14:49.200]  A lot of my friends are getting married now.
[01:14:49.420 --> 01:14:53.860]  A lot of my guys, friends, they don't want to marry a woman who's a gold digger.
[01:14:54.340 --> 01:15:06.960]  But personally, I don't mind because when I marry a girl and we get stranded on an island with a pickax and a treasure map, I'm not doing any work.
[01:15:16.720 --> 01:15:17.800]  I love New York.
[01:15:18.640 --> 01:15:20.100]  All my t-shirts say so.
[01:15:23.160 --> 01:15:28.320]  There's so much to do here, but my favorite activity is when you're just walking down the street and you go up to someone you don't know.
[01:15:28.500 --> 01:15:32.020]  You start pissing them off until they get angry.
[01:15:32.460 --> 01:15:33.640]  They start cussing.
[01:15:33.780 --> 01:15:34.860]  Sometimes they want to fight you.
[01:15:35.440 --> 01:15:40.880]  Then you say to them, if you would have been a little more patient, I would have given you a hundred dollars.
[01:15:46.000 --> 01:15:50.660]  Because you're on the hidden camera MTV show Boiling Points.
[01:15:53.100 --> 01:15:55.580]  There's a camera right there and a camera right there.
[01:15:58.240 --> 01:16:02.640]  And when they start jumping up and down screaming, oh my gosh, I don't believe it.
[01:16:02.800 --> 01:16:03.720]  Are you serious?
[01:16:04.540 --> 01:16:06.340]  Then you say, no.
[01:16:10.120 --> 01:16:11.700]  And you run away as fast as you can.
[01:16:16.960 --> 01:16:18.580]  I think most people are good people.
[01:16:18.660 --> 01:16:19.940]  They try to do the right thing.
[01:16:20.080 --> 01:16:21.000]  You know, still cheat and lie.
[01:16:21.080 --> 01:16:21.840]  It's easy not to do.
[01:16:22.080 --> 01:16:25.580]  But murder, sometimes that temptation is a little bit tougher.
[01:16:25.960 --> 01:16:26.060]  You know?
[01:16:27.600 --> 01:16:32.700]  I don't think I could ever kill another person, but if I had to, I would do it on New Year's Eve.
[01:16:33.620 --> 01:16:35.320]  Everyone's happy on New Year's Eve.
[01:16:36.120 --> 01:16:38.620]  And that's when that person will at least expect it.
[01:16:41.120 --> 01:16:45.760]  Five, four, three, two.
[01:16:47.280 --> 01:16:51.980]  And during that person's funeral, there'll be a big argument on the tombstone.
[01:16:56.540 --> 01:16:58.720]  On which year that person died on.
[01:17:11.180 --> 01:17:15.620]  But seriously, I can't wait for the day of September 2nd, 2010.
[01:17:16.520 --> 01:17:20.120]  Because on that day, it will be 90210.
[01:17:28.730 --> 01:17:29.990]  You guys are stupid.
[01:17:33.980 --> 01:17:34.540]  That's...
[01:17:37.320 --> 01:17:38.220]  Oh, man.
[01:17:39.060 --> 01:17:43.780]  It kind of sucks growing up when you're a kid and all your friends think you know karate.
[01:17:49.050 --> 01:17:49.970]  But you don't.
[01:17:50.770 --> 01:18:00.250]  It's kind of like playing poker, Texas Hold'em, and everyone at the table thinks you have two aces, but you really have a two of hearts and a seven of a uno card.
[01:18:07.260 --> 01:18:13.760]  One of my friends, he set me up on a date with his sister, but he didn't tell her that I was Asian because he wanted to see if she could figure it out.
[01:18:14.140 --> 01:18:14.260]  You know?
[01:18:16.440 --> 01:18:17.840]  I met her on the phone first.
[01:18:18.020 --> 01:18:19.740]  We were talking a lot, you know, getting along.
[01:18:19.980 --> 01:18:21.060]  Then she went to me in person.
[01:18:21.260 --> 01:18:22.300]  I picked a place.
[01:18:22.900 --> 01:18:26.420]  And the day we met, as soon as she saw me, she ran back to her car and drove away.
[01:18:28.060 --> 01:18:31.380]  Maybe I shouldn't have dressed up as a ninja.
[01:18:37.900 --> 01:18:40.320]  You ever play that card game Old Maid as a kid?
[01:18:40.600 --> 01:18:40.700]  You know?
[01:18:41.060 --> 01:18:41.760]  You remember that?
[01:18:41.760 --> 01:18:48.080]  I always hate playing that card game because if you pick the Old Maid from somebody, that person would start laughing.
[01:18:49.140 --> 01:18:50.840]  Then everyone else would start laughing.
[01:18:51.500 --> 01:18:53.900]  And the rest of the game, no one would pick a card from you.
[01:18:55.440 --> 01:18:58.340]  They should have called that game gonorrhea.
[01:19:08.700 --> 01:19:10.040]  I'm glad y'all can relate.
[01:19:15.340 --> 01:19:18.120]  Sometimes you'll hear people debate on what defines real men.
[01:19:18.120 --> 01:19:25.540]  And you'll hear people say like, real men wear black or real men drive pickup trucks or real men never ask for directions.
[01:19:25.920 --> 01:19:32.520]  And I agree with all that, but in my opinion, real men have action figures of himself and all his friends.
[01:19:33.920 --> 01:19:37.580]  His figure is 12 inches tall while everyone else's is only 3 inches tall.
[01:19:38.680 --> 01:19:40.860]  And he'll play with them and make them talk.
[01:19:41.280 --> 01:19:45.380]  And his figure will say stuff like, it's time to pay the rent, bitches.
[01:19:48.120 --> 01:19:48.860]  That's my lesson.
[01:19:50.780 --> 01:19:53.060]  My favorite basketball player is Alonzo Mourning.
[01:19:53.340 --> 01:19:56.880]  Two seasons ago, he took some time off because he needed a kidney transplant.
[01:19:57.300 --> 01:20:04.040]  When they announced he needed a new kidney, he got over 50,000 replies from fans willing to donate a kidney to him.
[01:20:04.540 --> 01:20:09.800]  I think you really got to admire someone if you're willing to give a vital organ to someone you really don't know that well.
[01:20:10.700 --> 01:20:16.100]  There's only one person that I'd be willing to give one of my kidneys to, and that's Bea Arthur.
[01:20:18.660 --> 01:20:20.180]  Some of you know Dorothy.
[01:20:20.560 --> 01:20:22.440]  I like to call her the hot golden girl.
[01:20:24.260 --> 01:20:32.320]  And after the operation, as we're lying side by side in the hospital bed, I would demand her to sing to me.
[01:20:34.720 --> 01:20:36.960]  Thank you for being a friend.
[01:20:41.120 --> 01:20:43.520]  Travel down the road and back again.
[01:20:43.520 --> 01:20:45.860]  Your heart is true.
[01:20:45.860 --> 01:20:48.640]  You're a pal and a confidant.
[01:20:52.480 --> 01:21:07.620]  And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and a card attached would say thank you for being a friend.
[01:21:08.220 --> 01:21:09.460]  Bum, bum, bum.
[01:21:10.160 --> 01:21:11.140]  Bum, bum, bum.
[01:21:11.840 --> 01:21:12.500]  Thanks, guys.
[01:21:12.580 --> 01:21:12.820]  Good night.
[01:21:16.020 --> 01:21:17.120]  Thank you, Frank.
[01:21:18.140 --> 01:21:18.940]  Frank Hong.
[01:21:22.460 --> 01:21:23.220]  All right.
[01:21:23.340 --> 01:21:25.020]  That brings us to our headliner tonight.
[01:21:25.220 --> 01:21:27.040]  He is going to bring this show to a close.
[01:21:27.280 --> 01:21:30.000]  Please give a lot of love to our best friend Danny Ruye.
[01:21:32.920 --> 01:21:34.320]  Joe Dillian, all the comics.
[01:21:34.480 --> 01:21:35.240]  Give it up for them.
[01:21:36.060 --> 01:21:39.860]  Give it up for yourselves for hanging out at this really awesome conference and the show.
[01:21:40.280 --> 01:21:41.500]  High five the guy next to you.
[01:21:41.840 --> 01:21:42.220]  Don't do that.
[01:21:42.280 --> 01:21:42.680]  That's gay.
[01:21:42.840 --> 01:21:43.360]  Hope you didn't.
[01:21:44.720 --> 01:21:45.680]  Hope you didn't do that.
[01:21:46.700 --> 01:21:47.660]  It's all good.
[01:21:48.100 --> 01:21:48.660]  That's cool.
[01:21:49.120 --> 01:21:50.920]  No, the reverse high five is not gay in 06.
[01:21:51.020 --> 01:21:52.140]  I checked it up before I came online.
[01:21:53.120 --> 01:21:53.660]  Far out.
[01:21:53.980 --> 01:21:55.420]  I'm very awkward a lot of times.
[01:21:55.500 --> 01:21:57.840]  I guess you guys can maybe relate to some of this.
[01:21:58.460 --> 01:21:58.900]  I struggle.
[01:21:59.260 --> 01:22:01.060]  One thing I'm terrible at is calling girls.
[01:22:01.820 --> 01:22:06.200]  Girls, you ever get like awkward, rambling, incoherent, semi-epileptic phone messages from guys.
[01:22:06.980 --> 01:22:07.800]  Those are mine.
[01:22:08.060 --> 01:22:08.200]  I do.
[01:22:10.280 --> 01:22:11.400]  Hey, what's going on?
[01:22:11.580 --> 01:22:12.020]  It's Danny.
[01:22:12.120 --> 01:22:13.240]  Just calling us if you're around this weekend.
[01:22:13.380 --> 01:22:15.620]  You'll probably be around because you live in the region.
[01:22:15.840 --> 01:22:17.300]  Just seeing if you were doing anything.
[01:22:17.440 --> 01:22:20.660]  Usually you do stuff which is why I'm sexually attracted to you.
[01:22:20.860 --> 01:22:23.000]  I mean, I'm not doing anything.
[01:22:23.140 --> 01:22:25.540]  I mean, I'm doing enough to appear aloof and disinterested.
[01:22:26.300 --> 01:22:26.680]  F*ck!
[01:22:30.060 --> 01:22:31.160]  It's really hard.
[01:22:33.120 --> 01:22:34.120]  Really hard, you know?
[01:22:34.340 --> 01:22:36.160]  But I know this about myself, you know?
[01:22:36.220 --> 01:22:37.020]  Like, I'm aware of it.
[01:22:37.120 --> 01:22:38.520]  Like, you know, I'll write myself little notes.
[01:22:38.660 --> 01:22:39.360]  Be breathy, dog.
[01:22:39.500 --> 01:22:39.720]  You know what I mean?
[01:22:39.720 --> 01:22:41.420]  Get myself a little amped up.
[01:22:41.660 --> 01:22:42.340]  What are we going to do?
[01:22:42.380 --> 01:22:43.020]  Call this bitch.
[01:22:43.140 --> 01:22:43.280]  Why?
[01:22:43.400 --> 01:22:43.760]  Get some.
[01:22:43.880 --> 01:22:44.000]  What?
[01:22:44.120 --> 01:22:44.460]  Get some.
[01:22:44.500 --> 01:22:45.400]  Why are you talking to yourself?
[01:22:47.100 --> 01:22:48.120]  Stop judging, reflection.
[01:22:48.300 --> 01:22:48.800]  You're an asshole.
[01:22:50.560 --> 01:22:54.600]  You know, but I get myself so hyped up, get myself so pumped up to leave a phone message for a girl.
[01:22:54.600 --> 01:22:55.280]  I'll call.
[01:22:55.520 --> 01:22:56.200]  She'll answer.
[01:22:56.320 --> 01:22:57.100]  I'll leave the message anyway.
[01:22:57.940 --> 01:23:00.080]  That's not a good recipe.
[01:23:01.700 --> 01:23:02.000]  Hello?
[01:23:02.420 --> 01:23:03.180]  Hey, what's going on?
[01:23:03.300 --> 01:23:03.500]  It's Dan.
[01:23:03.620 --> 01:23:04.960]  Just give me coffee around this weekend, motherf*cker.
[01:23:07.980 --> 01:23:09.560]  They don't call back in that circumstance.
[01:23:10.900 --> 01:23:11.560]  I'm very awkward.
[01:23:11.800 --> 01:23:12.480]  You guys ever...
[01:23:12.480 --> 01:23:14.960]  If you have office jobs, you ever get awkward around the office?
[01:23:15.080 --> 01:23:19.360]  You ever have little, like, little run-ins, little f*cking thing where you're like, it's up, staff, shit.
[01:23:22.160 --> 01:23:24.080]  I had this little elevator run-in the other day.
[01:23:24.240 --> 01:23:25.280]  Oh, it was an abortion.
[01:23:25.460 --> 01:23:26.320]  It was so brutal.
[01:23:26.900 --> 01:23:27.760]  It was just...
[01:23:27.760 --> 01:23:28.580]  Oh, I couldn't have been more.
[01:23:28.660 --> 01:23:31.100]  I'm, like, already uncomfortably temperatured because I'm, like, already...
[01:23:31.100 --> 01:23:31.740]  I'm carrying stuff.
[01:23:31.900 --> 01:23:33.600]  I'm, like, sweating like a prisoner with a tongue ring, you know?
[01:23:33.780 --> 01:23:36.180]  I'm sort of, like, I'm only all over with this guy.
[01:23:36.740 --> 01:23:38.560]  We're going to the same floor, you know?
[01:23:38.720 --> 01:23:42.000]  And I'm, like, okay, if he says anything to us, we're just going to say, take it easy.
[01:23:42.280 --> 01:23:43.920]  If he says anything, we're going to say, take it easy.
[01:23:44.080 --> 01:23:45.200]  If he says something, say, take it easy.
[01:23:45.280 --> 01:23:45.860]  Don't look at the ground.
[01:23:45.980 --> 01:23:46.760]  That's what mental patients do.
[01:23:46.840 --> 01:23:47.340]  Don't look at his butt.
[01:23:47.380 --> 01:23:47.920]  You're not gay.
[01:23:48.320 --> 01:23:49.500]  While you're looking at the wall, relax.
[01:23:49.600 --> 01:23:50.100]  Just look at the numbers.
[01:23:50.220 --> 01:23:50.640]  You like numbers.
[01:23:50.820 --> 01:23:52.300]  Bang, bang, bang.
[01:23:52.400 --> 01:23:52.920]  The door opens.
[01:23:53.000 --> 01:23:53.780]  The guy steals my thunder.
[01:23:53.900 --> 01:23:54.840]  He goes, hey, man, take it easy.
[01:24:03.300 --> 01:24:04.210]  Let's seat the staff meeting, Dad.
[01:24:08.700 --> 01:24:09.060]  Unreal.
[01:24:10.200 --> 01:24:12.260]  Actually, I'm lucky enough to be dating a girl.
[01:24:12.380 --> 01:24:16.280]  She hasn't really found out that much about me yet, so we're sort of praying until that day comes.
[01:24:16.440 --> 01:24:20.600]  But anybody who's dating somebody, you guys ever meet your girl's ex?
[01:24:22.020 --> 01:24:29.020]  Why does he always have to be like a puppy-saving, f*cking, you know, infant-adopting, like vaccine-inventing suit?
[01:24:29.080 --> 01:24:31.820]  Why can't he be like an ADD sped like me, you know?
[01:24:33.020 --> 01:24:34.200]  Danny, this is Dave.
[01:24:34.200 --> 01:24:37.520]  You remember from all the stories where I inadvertently compare you to him.
[01:24:37.600 --> 01:24:41.760]  And he's just back from outer space where he invented the cure to disease.
[01:24:41.960 --> 01:24:44.540]  And Danny tells his insecurities in front of strangers for validation.
[01:24:44.540 --> 01:24:45.620]  You guys should chit-chat.
[01:24:47.540 --> 01:24:48.960]  Yeah, that goes really well.
[01:24:49.500 --> 01:24:50.360]  That's always fun.
[01:24:50.780 --> 01:24:55.620]  I was watching TV the other day, and I saw an interview with someone.
[01:24:55.700 --> 01:24:59.380]  He was telling me that President Bush has taken more vacation than any president in history.
[01:24:59.720 --> 01:25:00.880]  Did you guys know that about him?
[01:25:00.920 --> 01:25:01.660]  I had no idea.
[01:25:01.820 --> 01:25:04.360]  I knew it was a lot of vacation, but he takes the most...
[01:25:04.360 --> 01:25:11.480]  I don't care what your politics are necessarily, but he strikes me as the type of dude that when he goes on vacation, when he comes back, he makes the cabinet watch slides of his trip.
[01:25:11.580 --> 01:25:12.200]  Can you guys picture that?
[01:25:14.060 --> 01:25:16.360]  You know, he's like, all right, let's get this thing going here.
[01:25:16.440 --> 01:25:17.560]  Hit the lights back here, Connie.
[01:25:17.760 --> 01:25:18.980]  It's go time.
[01:25:19.160 --> 01:25:21.460]  Here's me in front of the Grand Canyon.
[01:25:21.620 --> 01:25:22.440]  Don't I appear majestic?
[01:25:24.660 --> 01:25:27.000]  Here's a snack I made on Tuesday.
[01:25:27.000 --> 01:25:27.800]  It was bagel bites.
[01:25:27.980 --> 01:25:28.340]  Write it down.
[01:25:28.420 --> 01:25:31.240]  That's f*cking tasty for the next get-together.
[01:25:31.820 --> 01:25:32.900]  When we get together again.
[01:25:33.080 --> 01:25:33.620]  Let's have that.
[01:25:34.660 --> 01:25:36.040]  This is a false alarm.
[01:25:36.180 --> 01:25:37.600]  We thought it was a bunny rabbit.
[01:25:37.820 --> 01:25:38.620]  Turns out candy wrapper.
[01:25:38.760 --> 01:25:39.960]  Happens to the best photogs.
[01:25:40.020 --> 01:25:40.840]  This time it happened to me.
[01:25:41.220 --> 01:25:41.860]  Don't belittle me.
[01:25:42.780 --> 01:25:43.960]  Here's a... This is funny.
[01:25:44.040 --> 01:25:45.500]  This is a picture of Dick Cheney dressed as a bear.
[01:25:45.600 --> 01:25:46.480]  F*cking funny, big dog.
[01:25:47.260 --> 01:25:47.900]  I sharted.
[01:25:48.000 --> 01:25:48.260]  I sharted.
[01:25:48.540 --> 01:25:48.560]  I shit myself.
[01:25:48.720 --> 01:25:49.860]  I tried to hold up, but I couldn't.
[01:25:50.800 --> 01:25:52.780]  Presidential paintings were soiled on that afternoon.
[01:25:53.620 --> 01:25:54.920]  I'll get you, you son of a bitch.
[01:25:55.760 --> 01:25:56.260]  I'll get you.
[01:25:56.300 --> 01:25:57.140]  I know where you're sleeping at.
[01:25:58.440 --> 01:25:59.640]  You like to play Sudokus?
[01:25:59.920 --> 01:26:00.880]  I like to do Sudokus.
[01:26:00.960 --> 01:26:01.960]  That's a numerical puzzle.
[01:26:03.640 --> 01:26:04.780]  Anyway, back to the slides.
[01:26:04.920 --> 01:26:05.680]  Here's a...
[01:26:07.080 --> 01:26:08.840]  This is a good... This is my favorite one.
[01:26:08.960 --> 01:26:10.580]  This is a picture of me talking to a bush.
[01:26:10.640 --> 01:26:10.980]  You get it?
[01:26:14.760 --> 01:26:15.720]  That's because he's retarded.
[01:26:15.860 --> 01:26:16.560]  I don't know if you...
[01:26:17.360 --> 01:26:18.340]  I don't know if you knew that.
[01:26:19.960 --> 01:26:21.200]  I don't know if everyone knew that.
[01:26:22.400 --> 01:26:23.560]  That's why I would say that.
[01:26:25.240 --> 01:26:26.640]  I had a weird observation the other day.
[01:26:26.720 --> 01:26:28.420]  I had a weird little mental moment to myself.
[01:26:28.640 --> 01:26:32.820]  You guys ever notice that people's car horns really reflect the kind of person they are?
[01:26:33.200 --> 01:26:34.000]  Have you noticed that?
[01:26:34.260 --> 01:26:38.100]  Like, my car horn's kind of like a little bit not quite aggressive enough, a little too passive.
[01:26:38.140 --> 01:26:39.680]  It's like, oh, I was going to take that spot.
[01:26:39.800 --> 01:26:40.020]  You just...
[01:26:40.020 --> 01:26:40.720]  Okay, sure, you go ahead.
[01:26:40.720 --> 01:26:41.320]  You already got it there.
[01:26:41.880 --> 01:26:42.480]  That's fine.
[01:26:43.180 --> 01:26:43.640]  You know?
[01:26:43.880 --> 01:26:45.580]  Imagine Yoda's car horn, you know?
[01:26:45.900 --> 01:26:46.880]  Signal, you did not.
[01:26:49.700 --> 01:26:50.800]  Christopher Walken's car horn.
[01:26:50.900 --> 01:26:51.940]  Whoa, slow down.
[01:26:53.000 --> 01:26:54.300]  There's plenty of room to merge.
[01:26:55.700 --> 01:26:57.460]  My ex-girlfriend's horn.
[01:26:57.460 --> 01:26:58.340]  I'm a cheating whore.
[01:26:58.480 --> 01:26:59.380]  I'm a cheating...
[01:27:04.400 --> 01:27:07.300]  Back in the day, back in high school, I used to make cassette mixes for my girlfriend.
[01:27:07.380 --> 01:27:08.080]  You guys ever used to do that?
[01:27:08.580 --> 01:27:09.480]  Rock the cassette mixes?
[01:27:09.680 --> 01:27:10.400]  Girls, did you get those?
[01:27:10.920 --> 01:27:12.200]  Yeah, that was pretty pathetic.
[01:27:13.140 --> 01:27:17.220]  I had one of those, like, awesome dual cassette deck players, a little microphone in the middle, like, oh, I don't need CDs.
[01:27:17.280 --> 01:27:18.900]  I'll spend the extra 20 bucks on this shit.
[01:27:19.240 --> 01:27:20.160]  It's got two decks.
[01:27:20.300 --> 01:27:21.060]  Don't you understand that?
[01:27:21.300 --> 01:27:21.960]  It's awesome.
[01:27:22.120 --> 01:27:22.700]  It's high fidelity.
[01:27:22.880 --> 01:27:24.140]  It's the highest infidelity you can get.
[01:27:25.700 --> 01:27:26.280]  Waste of money.
[01:27:26.420 --> 01:27:30.400]  What I would do, though, is I would record my voice in between the tracks, give her, like, little messages, you know?
[01:27:30.760 --> 01:27:35.420]  Little stuff like, hey, sweetheart, this reminds me of Winter Formal when we danced together for the first time.
[01:27:36.900 --> 01:27:37.840]  Anyway, here's Boyz II Men.
[01:27:37.960 --> 01:27:40.160]  Type of shit I would put on the track, you know?
[01:27:40.220 --> 01:27:41.200]  It was very hot at the time.
[01:27:42.060 --> 01:27:48.240]  What I found out, though, was years later when she went to college, she was in a sorority, and she got the whole group together and played the tapes, and they laughed at me.
[01:27:49.460 --> 01:27:50.400]  What a bitch, right?
[01:27:51.320 --> 01:27:52.300]  So I learned my lesson.
[01:27:52.460 --> 01:27:57.080]  You know, now, like, when I make a CD or whatever, I still like to put messages on there.
[01:27:57.200 --> 01:28:01.120]  I put little secrets about the relationship so she can't play it for anyone else, you know?
[01:28:01.460 --> 01:28:05.500]  Like, for my last girlfriend, I was like, hey, babe, you know, you love this song.
[01:28:05.540 --> 01:28:06.460]  It reminds me of our first date.
[01:28:06.540 --> 01:28:09.680]  It reminds me of how you like my goatee tickles your box when I'm down there.
[01:28:09.860 --> 01:28:10.180]  Ha, ha.
[01:28:15.260 --> 01:28:17.020]  Hey, babe, here's Hotel California.
[01:28:17.020 --> 01:28:19.580]  I know it's your favorite and everything, you know?
[01:28:19.580 --> 01:28:24.140]  It also sort of reminds me how the first couple months of our relationship, you wouldn't have sex with me doggy style.
[01:28:24.240 --> 01:28:25.160]  I said, would you feel dirty now?
[01:28:25.200 --> 01:28:26.800]  It's the only way we do it, because you're kind of a whore.
[01:28:29.480 --> 01:28:30.180]  Never leave me.
[01:28:34.170 --> 01:28:35.230]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:28:36.510 --> 01:28:37.970]  Anybody here, you got any European friends?
[01:28:38.070 --> 01:28:39.270]  Anybody here know anybody from Europe?
[01:28:39.350 --> 01:28:40.290]  You're aware of Europe as a continent?
[01:28:40.450 --> 01:28:41.330]  It's kind of to the right, cool.
[01:28:43.310 --> 01:28:44.370]  I have some European friends.
[01:28:44.530 --> 01:28:49.250]  You ever notice that European people can sort of do whatever they want and get away with it, because they just say they're European?
[01:28:49.850 --> 01:28:50.510]  You know what I mean?
[01:28:50.510 --> 01:28:51.850]  Like, I have a buddy from Belgium.
[01:28:51.950 --> 01:28:52.970]  He lays like a turd on the sidewalk.
[01:28:53.090 --> 01:28:53.510]  It is okay.
[01:28:53.510 --> 01:28:54.150]  I am from Europe.
[01:28:55.190 --> 01:28:56.770]  This is how we roll there, you know?
[01:28:58.050 --> 01:28:58.610]  It's crazy.
[01:28:59.070 --> 01:29:01.330]  I was in Europe for my family reunion, like, a couple weeks ago.
[01:29:01.430 --> 01:29:01.850]  I'm half...
[01:29:01.850 --> 01:29:05.310]  I'm actually half Irish, half French, which means I get drunk, start a fight, and then back down.
[01:29:05.470 --> 01:29:06.410]  But I am...
[01:29:10.530 --> 01:29:11.090]  Anyway, I...
[01:29:11.090 --> 01:29:12.050]  You know, I was in...
[01:29:12.050 --> 01:29:14.170]  I was from my French part of the family, you know?
[01:29:14.250 --> 01:29:14.650]  I was back...
[01:29:14.650 --> 01:29:16.190]  I was in France having a good time at the reunion.
[01:29:16.850 --> 01:29:18.090]  And it was, like, a little awkward.
[01:29:18.190 --> 01:29:18.690]  It was very European.
[01:29:18.710 --> 01:29:21.790]  Like, the double kiss after, like, everything that happens.
[01:29:21.970 --> 01:29:25.550]  I was like, yeah, breakfast was good, so lunch will probably be, well, good, too.
[01:29:25.690 --> 01:29:27.430]  I'll see you in about 20 minutes, you know?
[01:29:28.130 --> 01:29:29.970]  By the end of the first week, though, I was kind of down with it.
[01:29:30.030 --> 01:29:31.050]  I was kind of feeling it, you know?
[01:29:31.110 --> 01:29:33.490]  It's like, yeah, tetherball will be mint.
[01:29:33.650 --> 01:29:34.590]  I loved hacky sack.
[01:29:34.830 --> 01:29:35.270]  One, two.
[01:29:35.410 --> 01:29:35.830]  F*ck yeah.
[01:29:36.490 --> 01:29:36.730]  You know?
[01:29:37.050 --> 01:29:39.310]  By the end of the second week, though, I was kind of embracing the whole thing.
[01:29:39.390 --> 01:29:42.350]  I was, like, spooning with my cousin, Jacques, on the couch, giving him a little fist and tickle.
[01:29:42.410 --> 01:29:42.950]  It's all good, though.
[01:29:44.450 --> 01:29:45.010]  It's European.
[01:29:45.230 --> 01:29:45.810]  It was European.
[01:29:46.150 --> 01:29:46.970]  I'm going to do whatever I want.
[01:29:48.350 --> 01:29:49.110]  Bring it all back.
[01:29:51.270 --> 01:29:52.290]  Oh, we're having a good time.
[01:29:52.450 --> 01:29:52.970]  This is fun.
[01:29:53.090 --> 01:29:54.810]  I was out at a bar the other night.
[01:29:54.950 --> 01:29:58.050]  I like to go to bars and drink and stare at girls I can't hook up with.
[01:29:59.050 --> 01:29:59.990]  And sometimes guys.
[01:30:00.230 --> 01:30:01.190]  I like giving a...
[01:30:01.190 --> 01:30:01.570]  What?
[01:30:01.890 --> 01:30:04.730]  So anyway, I was out at a bar.
[01:30:04.810 --> 01:30:05.310]  I was having a good time.
[01:30:05.430 --> 01:30:05.510]  I was talking.
[01:30:05.590 --> 01:30:06.530]  We're going to a bachelorette party.
[01:30:06.650 --> 01:30:07.930]  Have you guys seen bachelorette parties lately?
[01:30:08.390 --> 01:30:09.930]  They're like, oh, they're so precious.
[01:30:09.990 --> 01:30:11.130]  They're trying so hard.
[01:30:11.270 --> 01:30:12.450]  Like, we're as crazy as the guys.
[01:30:12.590 --> 01:30:12.990]  No, you're not.
[01:30:13.070 --> 01:30:13.990]  You're not at all.
[01:30:14.530 --> 01:30:14.910]  You know?
[01:30:15.050 --> 01:30:22.090]  It's like there's five chicks, like the lead goose, whatever you call her, with their little headdress on, condom strapped to her chest, drinking kamikazes out of a cock straw.
[01:30:22.230 --> 01:30:22.830]  Oh, stellar.
[01:30:23.010 --> 01:30:23.730]  It's f*cking crazy.
[01:30:24.210 --> 01:30:24.650]  You know?
[01:30:25.570 --> 01:30:28.810]  There's like a matron of jealousy who's in charge of the clipboard and shit.
[01:30:28.990 --> 01:30:29.130]  You know?
[01:30:29.490 --> 01:30:31.490]  A couple of her friends made the trip from out of town.
[01:30:31.590 --> 01:30:33.690]  High school friends are jealous of the college friends for some awkward reason.
[01:30:33.750 --> 01:30:35.770]  There's like a last girl who only knows the bride.
[01:30:36.090 --> 01:30:37.470]  That's like Tammy from the gym.
[01:30:37.610 --> 01:30:37.810]  You know?
[01:30:38.010 --> 01:30:40.130]  She's uncomfortable, makes up for it by being kind of slutty.
[01:30:40.230 --> 01:30:41.210]  Like, ta-da, it's Tammy.
[01:30:41.810 --> 01:30:42.170]  You know?
[01:30:43.910 --> 01:30:45.990]  And they go out and it's like plain craziness.
[01:30:46.010 --> 01:30:47.110]  You guys, here's the clipboard.
[01:30:47.150 --> 01:30:47.710]  Listen to this.
[01:30:47.830 --> 01:30:52.290]  Okay, she's got to wear the headdress and the condoms and she has to get a guy to buy her a drink.
[01:30:54.030 --> 01:30:55.750]  Oh, that's all we have.
[01:30:56.610 --> 01:30:57.190]  Let's go.
[01:30:57.790 --> 01:30:59.530]  Totally different from a guy's party, though, right?
[01:30:59.690 --> 01:31:01.090]  You guys know a bachelor party?
[01:31:01.630 --> 01:31:02.730]  Bachelor party totally different.
[01:31:02.770 --> 01:31:05.210]  We go to like a different city, we lose two guys right away.
[01:31:05.650 --> 01:31:06.110]  You know?
[01:31:07.590 --> 01:31:12.570]  After like five hours of peyote and something in my veins, I'm building a teepee with a Mexican immigrant, you know?
[01:31:13.510 --> 01:31:16.310]  My buddy's halfway to Cuba with a midget on his back, you know?
[01:31:17.550 --> 01:31:19.510]  Hey, Danny, I think the stripper's passed out.
[01:31:19.830 --> 01:31:21.710]  Broseph, there's still a line of coke on her ass.
[01:31:21.770 --> 01:31:22.650]  It's a party, all right?
[01:31:23.110 --> 01:31:23.910]  Look at that out.
[01:31:25.010 --> 01:31:25.910]  You can clap for that.
[01:31:25.990 --> 01:31:26.490]  That's fun.
[01:31:27.170 --> 01:31:29.510]  Passed out strippers are always fun, aren't they?
[01:31:30.110 --> 01:31:31.010]  Aren't they precious?
[01:31:32.050 --> 01:31:32.510]  When they...
[01:31:32.510 --> 01:31:33.110]  Is it asleep?
[01:31:33.170 --> 01:31:33.670]  Is it not?
[01:31:33.850 --> 01:31:34.170]  CPR?
[01:31:34.230 --> 01:31:35.050]  Who cares?
[01:31:36.850 --> 01:31:37.430]  Yeah, whatever.
[01:31:40.290 --> 01:31:41.010]  Oh, man.
[01:31:41.610 --> 01:31:43.170]  Oh, I have a lot of weird issues.
[01:31:43.270 --> 01:31:44.050]  A lot of things are weird about me.
[01:31:44.050 --> 01:31:47.050]  I have this weird thing I do when I drive my car.
[01:31:47.210 --> 01:31:50.490]  If I see a girl on the side of the road, I have to know if she's hot or not.
[01:31:51.010 --> 01:31:52.030]  Most important thing in the world.
[01:31:52.050 --> 01:31:56.170]  I don't care if I'm, like, driving with three other girls, my mom, sister, and, like, girlfriend.
[01:31:56.430 --> 01:31:56.930]  It doesn't matter.
[01:31:57.070 --> 01:32:00.090]  I will cause accidents to make sure, you know?
[01:32:00.250 --> 01:32:06.990]  The worst is, like, I hit a car, you know, like, the cops show up, and I'm like, yeah, right before I hit the first vehicle and dented, I could see she had two.
[01:32:07.310 --> 01:32:08.290]  I can't feel my face.
[01:32:08.350 --> 01:32:08.690]  Take me.
[01:32:09.510 --> 01:32:09.990]  You know what?
[01:32:11.110 --> 01:32:15.890]  What is really bad, though, is, like, if I look over and she's not hot, I get kind of pissed at her because she wasted my time.
[01:32:16.910 --> 01:32:17.610]  Is that weird?
[01:32:17.910 --> 01:32:19.950]  It's, like...
[01:32:21.270 --> 01:32:21.590]  Unbelievable.
[01:32:25.690 --> 01:32:26.350]  Oh, man.
[01:32:27.510 --> 01:32:28.150]  Oh, God.
[01:32:28.830 --> 01:32:30.250]  You guys have been a lot of fun.
[01:32:30.330 --> 01:32:31.670]  I have a couple more things I want to tell you about.
[01:32:31.870 --> 01:32:34.230]  A lot of comics will videotape their sets.
[01:32:34.810 --> 01:32:36.030]  Try to get better as comics.
[01:32:36.130 --> 01:32:36.770]  You get to see yourself.
[01:32:36.890 --> 01:32:37.510]  Makes sense, right?
[01:32:38.470 --> 01:32:40.090]  I tried to do this by myself.
[01:32:40.310 --> 01:32:43.310]  I was by myself, with myself, videotaping myself.
[01:32:43.410 --> 01:32:43.830]  You follow that?
[01:32:44.170 --> 01:32:45.050]  It got a little awkward.
[01:32:45.190 --> 01:32:45.670]  It got a little weird.
[01:32:45.810 --> 01:32:46.530]  I was doing...
[01:32:46.530 --> 01:32:47.430]  trying my jokes out.
[01:32:47.530 --> 01:32:49.210]  I'm in a room with a video camera going.
[01:32:49.550 --> 01:32:52.510]  And all of a sudden, I started to feel like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
[01:32:53.250 --> 01:32:54.090]  You know what I'm talking about?
[01:32:54.130 --> 01:32:54.730]  I was like...
[01:32:54.730 --> 01:32:57.270]  I was like, so I got to look at the girl and see if she...
[01:33:04.180 --> 01:33:05.060]  I'd laugh at me.
[01:33:06.480 --> 01:33:08.160]  I'd laugh at me so f*cking hard.
[01:33:09.020 --> 01:33:10.180]  And that's when it got weird.
[01:33:10.360 --> 01:33:10.600]  I don't know.
[01:33:11.900 --> 01:33:13.400]  Right then, it got weird.
[01:33:14.080 --> 01:33:15.220]  What else I want to tell you about?
[01:33:15.300 --> 01:33:15.780]  This is all...
[01:33:15.780 --> 01:33:16.860]  This is all so much fun.
[01:33:17.180 --> 01:33:19.900]  You guys are lukewarm on everything, so that makes me feel welcome.
[01:33:21.260 --> 01:33:21.740]  What is...
[01:33:21.740 --> 01:33:22.300]  Let's do...
[01:33:22.300 --> 01:33:23.200]  I was...
[01:33:23.200 --> 01:33:24.300]  I mentioned I was in Europe.
[01:33:24.500 --> 01:33:24.800]  I was in...
[01:33:24.800 --> 01:33:26.720]  I actually got to do a show in London, which was a lot of fun.
[01:33:26.800 --> 01:33:27.740]  I had a great time.
[01:33:28.420 --> 01:33:32.480]  I'm obviously huge in America, but I'm not that big in London yet, so I had to go at the...
[01:33:33.180 --> 01:33:33.420]  Thanks.
[01:33:33.840 --> 01:33:36.000]  I had to go at the beginning of the show in London, you know?
[01:33:36.240 --> 01:33:37.700]  And these British comics are really funny.
[01:33:37.740 --> 01:33:39.140]  So I'm up there doing my time, you know?
[01:33:39.280 --> 01:33:43.380]  I'm getting these, like, awkward stares from the London crowd, like a little reserved in Britain, you know?
[01:33:43.480 --> 01:33:45.480]  I'm getting these looks like, hey, you got a dick on your forehead.
[01:33:45.580 --> 01:33:46.120]  Where do you hide the balls?
[01:33:46.180 --> 01:33:46.620]  That kind of look.
[01:33:46.660 --> 01:33:47.000]  You know what I mean?
[01:33:47.000 --> 01:33:48.520]  Like, really uncomfortable.
[01:33:49.060 --> 01:33:51.460]  I get off stage feeling like, I f*cking bombed, you know?
[01:33:51.840 --> 01:33:53.520]  And these London, these British comics are really nice.
[01:33:53.640 --> 01:33:54.300]  They're like, no, mate.
[01:33:54.360 --> 01:33:54.940]  Cheers to you.
[01:33:54.960 --> 01:33:55.700]  You were so funny.
[01:33:56.100 --> 01:33:58.460]  Yeah, your style's a little bit different than, you know, they used to.
[01:33:58.720 --> 01:34:00.160]  American audience is probably so bullshit.
[01:34:00.320 --> 01:34:01.640]  It's like pooping the hen throat in the ceiling, yeah?
[01:34:02.020 --> 01:34:02.820]  Is that what they do?
[01:34:03.320 --> 01:34:03.780]  Don't they?
[01:34:03.960 --> 01:34:05.440]  Probably they're kind of crass over there.
[01:34:05.580 --> 01:34:06.660]  Why are your cheeks so red?
[01:34:06.660 --> 01:34:07.140]  I'm staring.
[01:34:07.320 --> 01:34:08.380]  I don't know whether to kiss you or run.
[01:34:08.380 --> 01:34:08.880]  It's awkward.
[01:34:09.640 --> 01:34:10.280]  Is it...
[01:34:10.760 --> 01:34:11.560]  Is it rouge?
[01:34:11.740 --> 01:34:12.260]  I mean, it's awkward.
[01:34:12.380 --> 01:34:12.820]  Sorry, I didn't...
[01:34:12.820 --> 01:34:13.500]  I shouldn't have asked that.
[01:34:13.600 --> 01:34:13.820]  Weird.
[01:34:14.360 --> 01:34:15.820]  So I thought these guys were full of shit.
[01:34:15.960 --> 01:34:18.060]  You know, maybe like the British crowds or like, you know, maybe...
[01:34:18.060 --> 01:34:18.420]  I don't know.
[01:34:19.040 --> 01:34:20.460]  So I went on to check it out for myself, right?
[01:34:20.640 --> 01:34:21.400]  Go in the back of the crowd.
[01:34:21.580 --> 01:34:22.420]  These guys are hilarious.
[01:34:22.540 --> 01:34:24.640]  Like funny-ass British comics talking about like tea and stuff.
[01:34:24.760 --> 01:34:25.200]  It's amazing.
[01:34:25.280 --> 01:34:25.820]  You should check it out.
[01:34:26.200 --> 01:34:28.080]  But these guys are so funny.
[01:34:28.240 --> 01:34:31.160]  And like, this is what the crowd would do for like a really funny British joke.
[01:34:31.240 --> 01:34:31.700]  This is what they would do.
[01:34:31.800 --> 01:34:33.640]  They'd go, oh, yes, quite.
[01:34:38.670 --> 01:34:39.270]  Darling, hold on.
[01:34:39.370 --> 01:34:43.350]  What he's actually done here, he's taken you in one direction and reversed it at the end.
[01:34:43.410 --> 01:34:44.270]  A good yarn that.
[01:34:45.470 --> 01:34:46.710]  Kudos to you, joke maker.
[01:34:46.850 --> 01:34:47.130]  Yeah, okay.
[01:34:50.210 --> 01:34:52.390]  Darling, now, this is very important what he's done here.
[01:34:52.750 --> 01:34:55.430]  He's told us that black people and white people are actually different.
[01:34:55.430 --> 01:34:56.010]  Not the same.
[01:34:56.230 --> 01:34:57.410]  Yeah, different.
[01:34:57.570 --> 01:34:59.330]  He's opened that whole barrel full of monkeys.
[01:34:59.450 --> 01:35:00.450]  Didn't mean that in a racist way.
[01:35:00.570 --> 01:35:00.890]  Awkward.
[01:35:00.990 --> 01:35:02.610]  Wish I hadn't gone down that road.
[01:35:02.930 --> 01:35:03.650]  Stereotypes, negative.
[01:35:03.810 --> 01:35:05.610]  Don't want to talk about bigger penises.
[01:35:05.750 --> 01:35:06.530]  Let's watch the show.
[01:35:06.710 --> 01:35:06.970]  Cheers.
[01:35:10.330 --> 01:35:11.590]  Oh, you guys are so much fun.
[01:35:11.650 --> 01:35:12.770]  I'll do one more for you.
[01:35:13.310 --> 01:35:14.950]  You've been here the whole time.
[01:35:15.010 --> 01:35:15.550]  You're very patient.
[01:35:15.670 --> 01:35:22.890]  Would you like to hear some voice type things or something sort of filthy and a little dirty that you'll probably tell to the other kids on the internet.com?
[01:35:23.010 --> 01:35:23.310]  What do you think?
[01:35:23.750 --> 01:35:24.330]  Your choice.
[01:35:25.530 --> 01:35:26.130]  The former?
[01:35:26.270 --> 01:35:26.510]  A little voice.
[01:35:26.570 --> 01:35:27.070]  I like that.
[01:35:27.130 --> 01:35:27.690]  That's outstanding.
[01:35:27.830 --> 01:35:28.870]  But everyone else is kind of pissed at you.
[01:35:28.950 --> 01:35:29.230]  But whatever.
[01:35:29.330 --> 01:35:29.570]  What the hell?
[01:35:31.330 --> 01:35:32.670]  I was, uh...
[01:35:32.670 --> 01:35:33.650]  I was, uh...
[01:35:33.650 --> 01:35:33.970]  Ah, f*ck it.
[01:35:33.970 --> 01:35:34.730]  I'll do the gross one anyway.
[01:35:34.790 --> 01:35:35.390]  That's what I really want to...
[01:35:35.390 --> 01:35:36.230]  That's what I was hoping you'd say.
[01:35:37.670 --> 01:35:37.950]  Nice.
[01:35:37.990 --> 01:35:38.590]  That's what I'm talking about.
[01:35:40.150 --> 01:35:40.710]  Anybody, uh...
[01:35:40.710 --> 01:35:41.910]  We got anybody here from New Jersey?
[01:35:42.010 --> 01:35:43.210]  We got any Jersey people in the house?
[01:35:43.570 --> 01:35:44.250]  Anybody from New Jersey?
[01:35:44.370 --> 01:35:45.390]  You worry about New Jersey as a state.
[01:35:45.430 --> 01:35:45.770]  It sucks?
[01:35:45.890 --> 01:35:47.210]  Yeah, you're not going to like this joke then, big dog.
[01:35:48.930 --> 01:35:49.590]  You're going to hate this.
[01:35:49.710 --> 01:35:51.110]  I got a buddy from New Jersey.
[01:35:51.270 --> 01:35:54.990]  He's one of these dudes that brags about stuff he's doing with chicks that has nothing to do with hooking up with them.
[01:35:55.070 --> 01:35:55.590]  I mean, he's telling me...
[01:35:55.590 --> 01:35:57.390]  He's always got these absurd stories.
[01:35:57.390 --> 01:35:58.350]  They're always so dumb.
[01:35:58.590 --> 01:36:00.830]  He's like, yeah, today, I'm in a brood's bedroom.
[01:36:00.990 --> 01:36:02.150]  You know, she gets up to take a piss.
[01:36:02.250 --> 01:36:03.170]  I took a dump on her pillow.
[01:36:03.310 --> 01:36:03.470]  Really?
[01:36:06.820 --> 01:36:07.660]  Oh, that's cool?
[01:36:10.660 --> 01:36:10.980]  Really?
[01:36:12.740 --> 01:36:14.840]  Well, I sharted at a party once.
[01:36:15.640 --> 01:36:18.140]  It's when you try to fart and you pinch it and it doesn't pinch.
[01:36:20.380 --> 01:36:21.140]  It's not the same.
[01:36:21.740 --> 01:36:22.260]  It's not.
[01:36:23.800 --> 01:36:24.620]  Going with your story.
[01:36:27.180 --> 01:36:28.580]  These stories are just stupid.
[01:36:28.580 --> 01:36:29.680]  You know, they're ridiculous.
[01:36:29.900 --> 01:36:31.320]  I mean, he's talking about all sorts of nonsense.
[01:36:31.520 --> 01:36:33.780]  He's like, yeah, well, you know, different time, you know, different circumstance.
[01:36:33.960 --> 01:36:37.320]  The other day, I'm in a truck stop restroom on a f*cking Jersey turnbike with this board.
[01:36:37.360 --> 01:36:39.160]  Exit 15W, shore points, not a hit on there.
[01:36:39.200 --> 01:36:41.640]  Just trying to give you a f*cking frame of reference to let you know where I was.
[01:36:42.260 --> 01:36:46.720]  Anyway, at the time in question, my friend, I'm back there giving a little canine sexual congress.
[01:36:46.900 --> 01:36:48.140]  That's Dougie style to the layperson.
[01:36:48.260 --> 01:36:49.740]  Anyway, I'm back there f*cking doing it.
[01:36:50.040 --> 01:36:50.740]  Handling this thing.
[01:36:50.820 --> 01:36:51.120]  I put it...
[01:36:51.120 --> 01:36:55.240]  I say to myself, let's up the ante on this classy board with a f*cking capital K.
[01:36:55.300 --> 01:36:57.020]  Let's f*cking do a little extra here.
[01:36:57.200 --> 01:36:59.660]  Let's pop a digit in the f*cking sand doll.
[01:36:59.760 --> 01:37:00.280]  You know what I'm talking about?
[01:37:00.420 --> 01:37:02.320]  Let's rev the f*cking engine one time.
[01:37:02.700 --> 01:37:04.260]  Let's f*cking rev the Harley.
[01:37:04.480 --> 01:37:06.020]  I'm going to throw this thing in there.
[01:37:06.100 --> 01:37:09.260]  I'm going to f*cking go in the dirt store to f*cking reverse, you know, a little dirt road.
[01:37:09.460 --> 01:37:10.220]  I'm going to go up there.
[01:37:10.300 --> 01:37:12.340]  I say to myself, so let's f*cking handle this thing.
[01:37:12.500 --> 01:37:13.600]  I try to throw it in there.
[01:37:13.780 --> 01:37:15.100]  This bitch gives me the angry dolphin.
[01:37:15.200 --> 01:37:16.060]  I'm like, the angry dolphin?
[01:37:18.780 --> 01:37:20.660]  What the f*ck are you talking about, man?
[01:37:20.660 --> 01:37:21.220]  I've never...
[01:37:21.680 --> 01:37:22.440]  I've never heard of that.
[01:37:22.640 --> 01:37:23.740]  You've never heard this thing before.
[01:37:24.200 --> 01:37:26.500]  I'm going to try to throw this guy into the number two place.
[01:37:26.580 --> 01:37:27.300]  And here's what she does.
[01:37:27.400 --> 01:37:27.880]  Swear to God.
[01:37:29.740 --> 01:37:30.960]  Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.
[01:37:34.820 --> 01:37:35.800]  It's an angry dolphin.
[01:37:36.620 --> 01:37:37.640]  You guys have been a lot of fun.
[01:37:37.660 --> 01:37:38.900]  Thanks so much for coming to see us.
[01:37:38.980 --> 01:37:39.320]  Take it easy.
[01:37:41.880 --> 01:37:42.520]  Danny Ruye.
[01:37:43.080 --> 01:37:43.720]  Stay up, Danny.
[01:37:44.500 --> 01:37:45.140]  Danny Ruye.
[01:37:46.760 --> 01:37:48.160]  Give it up for the geek comedy.
[01:37:48.320 --> 01:37:49.180]  Two or three thousand.
[01:37:49.420 --> 01:37:50.060]  Danny Ruye.
[01:37:51.240 --> 01:37:51.880]  Frank Hong.
[01:37:52.420 --> 01:37:53.200]  Come on up, Frank.
[01:37:55.440 --> 01:37:56.080]  Aaron Conroy.
[01:37:56.960 --> 01:37:58.040]  Ryan Conner.
[01:37:58.400 --> 01:37:59.760]  James Jones.
[01:38:00.320 --> 01:38:01.580]  Chris Berlick.
[01:38:02.080 --> 01:38:03.160]  Evan Valentine.
[01:38:04.160 --> 01:38:05.100]  Paul Shorish.
[01:38:05.720 --> 01:38:06.760]  Jimmy Merritt.
[01:38:07.400 --> 01:38:08.520]  And I'm Joe Dealey, your host.
[01:38:08.620 --> 01:38:09.620]  Thank you very much.
[01:38:09.700 --> 01:38:10.220]  We love you.
[01:38:10.320 --> 01:38:10.800]  HOPE 6.
[01:38:11.260 --> 01:38:12.040]  Thank you.