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                           Issue #1 - Page 6 of 13 
     



The Great Cedar Point Wave Pool Disaster of 2001
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by:  kleptic <kleptic@grex.org>
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Back in June of good ol 2001, a group of friends and I took a little vacation
to Ohio, to visit the legendary amusement park, Cedar Point.  The first night
we were there was great.  We rode all the old favorite rides all evening, then
committed ourselves to the hour-and-a-half long line leading to the Millenium
Force.  I must say, it was worth the wait.  That thing is freakin' fast.  We're
talking stomach-in-your-throat, bugs-in-your-teeth, cheeks-flappin',
throwing-the-horned-hand-of-Satan-in-tribute-to-utter-badassness,
hold-onto your-asses-and-hats-and-glasses, pee-in-your-bed fast.
Okay, okay, so it's not THAT scary; I just wanted to write "pee-in-your-bed."

Pee in your bed.
Pee in your bed.
Pee in your bed.

It IS fun though.  Er, the coaster, that is.  Not peeing in your bed.  Peeing in
your bed is probably not quite as fun as it sounds.  Sure, it may seem mighty
convenient not to have to get up to urinate in the night, but I think most
people would rather get up and walk to the bathroom than sleep in their own
pee.   I don't remember the last time I peed in my bed.  I do, however, remember
the last time I pooped my pants, but I'll save that story for another day.

Anyway, the next day we donned our bathing suits and went to Soak City, Cedar
Point's water park division.  My day there sucked from the start.  I had these
new board shorts that I had never actually worn before.  They sure looked cool,
but they had one little problem.  They were just a little too big in the waist,
and did not have a drawstring.  Why would any company make men's swimwear
without a drawstring?  It had belt loops.  Great.  The effect of the
manufacturer's poor design decision was this: At any given moment I had to
choose between showing just a smidge of my bum to whoever was behind me, or
just a centimeter too much of the business to whoever was in front of me.  I
know, it's my own fault I didn't have the foresight to either wear a belt or
not buy the drawstringless board shorts in the first place, but this is my web
site, gosh darn it, so it was the company's fault.  It didn't help much when
they got all wet and heavy, either. After a while I gave up, figuring the only
people I knew there were close enough friends that I could deal with their
seeing me in my slightly-too-revealed-for-comfort state, and anyone else could
either get a good laugh or at least have something to talk about.

That out of the way, I decided to go join my friends in the wave pool.  We had
already been in once, but this time there were a lot more people in it.  It
started up, and I was immediately bombarded with tubby little kids riding inner
tubes.  It was some kind of massive army of tubby little kids on inner tubes,
trying to take over the whole pool.  I composed myself after their brutal
surprise attack had subsided, and I quickly nominated myself to be the mystical
defender of the wave pool!  I lunged into action, hurling tubby little kids on
inner tubes further back in the pool, where they could cause no more damage. 
Left, right, straight back over my head, there were tubby little kids flying
everywhere, clinging for dear life to their giant pink inner tubes.  Just as
the tables began to turn in my favor, a whole new regime of tubby little kids
riding inner tubes was dropped in my airlift!  I didn't actually see the
airlift, but that's the only logical (?) explanation, seeing as all of a sudden
I was overwhelmed by the horde of them and got bludgeoned in the back of the
head with so many pink tubes and tubby little kid feet and fists I suspect I
may have been knocked unconscious.  

Next thing I knew, I was standing in the shallow part of the pool.  I don't
remember this next bit too well, probably because I was still in a daze from
the beating I had taken, but the next thing I remember is my head hanging down,
probably in shame from my humiliating defeat by the army of tubby little kids
on inner tubes, and my eyes fell upon a dick.  I glanced back toward the 
battlefied for a moment, then, realizing I had seen something strange, I looked
down again.

"Hey, that's not just any dick..." I thought.  "That's MY dick!"  And some dick
it was.  The chilly pool had it looking all wet, shriveled, pale, and
disgusting.  It look suspiciously like I had always pictured Gollum from The
Hobbit.  That's probably not normal, thinking of a fantasy creature as a kind
of wet, shriveled penis with arms and legs, but I think that's probably what
J.R.R. Tolkien had in mind when he wrote the book.  The man WAS a literary
genius, after all.  Regardless, I certainly would have killed and eaten Bilbo
Baggins if it meant I could have had an invisibility ring to slip on my finger
at that moment.  I dropped to my knees, obscuring my tiny, pathetic package
beneath that glorious light-bending shield, the surface of the wave pool.
I slowly lifted my eyes to see who could have spotted my poor little buddy.
A lifeguard stood on the shore, laughing hard.  There's one.  Crap.
A bikini-clad brunette, not laughing.  Probably didn't see.  Then, with horror,
my eyes were drawn to an extremely disheartening sight.  Dead ahead, my
girlfriend's mother, facing my direction.  I'll say it again, in case it didn't
set in.  My GIRLFRIEND'S MOTHER, facing my direction.

I collapsed face-first into the pool and drowned.  The end. 
