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                             Issue #5 - Page 4 of 13 
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Sweet Eyebrow Lovin'
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by Kleptic (kleptic@outbreakzine.net)

Shortly after becoming a Real Man (a "Real Man" being defined as a boy who
grows hair in places other than his head including, but not limited to, his
chest, chin, upper lip, belly button, back, booty, feet, peepee and cajones,
nips, taint, dooberwhacker, and spreklepouch), I gradually became aware of an
exceedingly strange phenomenon beginning to happen right in front of my eyes,
or more specifically, right above my eyes. My left eyebrow seemed to have
decided that it would be happier on the right side of my face, with the other
one. Operation Grow Across the Gap and Make Sweet Eyebrow Love was in full
effect. Now, there aren't many things in this world much worse than eyebrows
in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for love and sunshine and happiness and
true love and women with hairy armpits, no bras, and Joanie Mitchell records,
but I draw the line at eyebrow love. Why, you ask? Why not just let them be So
Happy Together? I'll tell you why.

Stage one of eyebrow love: The Herman Munster. The Herman Munster occurs when
the two eyebrows succeed in making contact with each other, and their slow
mating process commences. The problem with how to permanently prevent this
from happening is mankind's last great challenge, and not one to be taken
lightly. I suspect we have been bypassed by several alien civilizations seeking
galactic comraderie due to this disability. "Ooh, Xqorgonak, look! This planet
is intelligent! They have aircrafts, lasers, skyscrapers, Dairy Queen, and...
wait a second... what's that on that guy's face? Crap. That's a unibrow, isn't
it? I knew this place was too good to be true. I guess we'll just have to take
the Fantastically Amazing Machine of Ultimate Happiness, Posterity, Actually
Understanding Girls, and Never, Ever Pooping Your Pants After Your Fourth
Birthday to some other, more civilized planet."

Stage two of eyebrow love: The Man's Man. A Real Man becomes a Man's Man when
the female eyebrow gives birth to it's first litter of babies. These cute
little tufts of hair eagerly migrate around the Man's Man's body, filling a
far less orthodox range of brow positions: nostril-brow, tooth-brow,
finger-brow, and the hilarious-looking eyebrow-brow. Some people seem to
consider the Man's Man to be a glorious testament to all that is masculine,
but I find that only other Men's Men or Men's Men-In-Training truly hold them
in high regard. Sure, the guy can wrastle grizzlies like a mofo, but with that
much hair all over his shoulders, forehead, tongue, teeth, eyelids, and
God-knows-where-else, he will never achieve the much more desirable position
of Ladies Man, wink wink, nudge nudge.

NOTE TO MALE READERS ONLY: Chicks dig guys who pluck their unibrows... and tell
them about it. Trust me, it works. They'll think you have common sense and
they'll want to smooch you and stroke the smooth spot between your eyebrows
all night long.

NOTE TO FEMALE READERS ONLY: I know you just read the note to male readers
only, you cheaters. I saw you do it.

The third and final stage of eyebrow love: The Gorilla. What do you really
know about gorillas?They're big monkeys? They're a primitive species? Try
again. They're just regular guys, like you and me (but not my Uncle Mike 'cause
he eats SPAMwiches and that's really weird), except they let their unibrows get
entirely out of hand. Really. You think they're begging for peanuts at the zoo?
Well, let me tell you, "ooh ooh, ah ah" in gorilla-talk means "Give me some
tweezers! I'm a man, I tell you, not an ape! If you'll just give me some
freakin' tweezers I'll show you! Yes... yes... he's digging in his pockets!
...NO! Damn you! I don't want your peanuts! I want to pluck my unibrow! Wait,
don't go! Okay, okay, I'll take the peanuts... heh, sucker... Hey, bring
honey roasted next time!"

And that about wraps it up. I kind of forgot what I was talking about. I guess
the moral of the story would be... er... don't give monkeys tweezers because
they'll pull all their hair out and turn into naked men and that's probably
really freaky to see.
