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             ۱          ۱      ۰  
                 ܰ߱    ߰۲    
              Outbreak Magazine Issue #11 - Article 5 of 18
           '~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'


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*          Bastard Admin From Hell          *
* (Offspring of Bastard Operator From Hell) *
*                   		            *
*              Written by GPC		    *
*             On 12:40 17/09/02		    *
*    heelflip_the_biscuit_tin@hotmail.com   *
*				            *
*********************************************


The following was written under the influence of the BOFH (Bastard 
Operator From Hell) series of text files, written Circa.1980, about (yes 
you guessed it) ..... a Bastard Operator From Hell. In this installment it
seems the BOFH got laid and has produced an offspring .... The Bastard
Admin From Hell, read on ........

Bastard Admin From Hell here, its monday, shit WILL happen.

I get in early so I can replace NT with Windows 3.1 on all the 
machines. Should cause some interesting compatibility issues. Then I set up 
the proxy account to run all internet traffic through the teachers demo 
computer instead of our very expensive dedicated internet server, and go to 
sleep in the office.

The phone rings, its the new IT teacher.

"Yes?" I answer irratably.
"Er, my internet connection is running really slowly, do you know why?"
I don't bother with the excuse cards.
"Aren't you the teacher?"
"Well yes but..."
"Then shouldn't you know?"
"Look, who do you think..."
"Shut up. Just exit Internet Explorer (suckers), wait 10 seconds and
then it should be fine"

I quickly open his account, change his homepage to www.harcoresailors.com
and go back to sleep. 5 seconds later I hear a whole class of students
jeering very loudly. What a bastard I am, and its not even 10 yet.

I get about 2 hours of shut eye before the phone rings again. Its a 
user, he wants to know why the IT room door is locked. I didn't know it was 
but I tell him thats its to protect the hub from transgressional static
magnification. He seems to accept it and I hang up.

I open the IT room at lunchtime because I had slept enough and reading 
other people's email was getting boring. I echo a user's machine. Playing an
online RPG, the thing I hate most. The biggest waste of bandwidth since 
AOL. I take control of his computer, type www.lolitasex.com into his address 
bar and freeze the machine once the front page has loaded. I call the 
manager and tell him to check machine 12, the machine I took over. From my 
desk I hear a lot of shouting in the next room, the guy was expelled the next 
day. Life's tough isn't it. I take the phone off the hook.

After using almost the entirity of the school's bandwidth to host a 128 
player Unreal Tournament game for a few hours I get bored and nuke all the 
players with an open port. Well, like I always say, you should never trust a 
sysop running a 128 player game of UT. I decide to play the 'Chinese "And 
Then" Mind Game' and put the phone back on the hook. It takes less than 30 
seconds for it to ring. Its a user.

"Er, I have a problem, my terminal has totally frozen up and I have really
important work that I hasn't saved"
"And then?" is my only response. The user seems slightly thrown.
"Er, well I tried to open the task manager"
"And then?" I reply again.
"Well, er, nothing"
"And then?"
"Um, and then I called you"
"And then?"
"Uh, nothing"
"And then?"
"Is this a joke?"
"And then?"
"And then nothing!"
"And then?"

He hangs up, I check my watch, 20 seconds. Not bad, must try harder 
next time. I trace the call, find out his username and e-mail him a list of 
IT rules with one addition. 'Rudeness to any member of the IT staff will 
result in immediate exclusion from the network.' I echo his terminal and let 
him read the e-mail before deleting his account. Lunchtime.

I stroll back into my office just in time for the last computing class of 
the day. I check the lesson roster and find out, much to my amusement, that
Mr.Hardcore-Sailor is teaching a load of first years on "how to use the
system", God I love the beginning of the year, so many innocent victims.

I hide my computer off the network and open up CMD.EXE. I crack my 
knuckles, time to have some fun! I ponder on the best plan of attack, a 
stroke of genius hits me as I pull down the password list for that class. 
It seems one of them has set his password as "l33thaxx0r", hmm, I think we 
have a target. I feed him a dummy FBI login page and echo his terminal, lets 
see what he does.

After a pause of a few seconds i get a "HELP LOGON" message tentatively 
crawl across my screen. I use NET SEND to send him a little message: 
"UNAUTHORISED ACCESS DETECTED, TRACE COMMENCING". The kid closes the message 
very fast and the dummy screen even faster, no doubt hes panicking. I watch 
as he pulls up explorer and heads straight for the SYSTEM32 folder, no doubt 
he's going for CMD.EXE to delete himself off the network. I at least let him 
open the program before I kill the connection between his keyboard and his 
terminal.I send him another message: "CONNECTION IDENTIFIED ..... LOCATION: 
LONDON, ENGLAND". I know all the kid can do is sit and watch as I continue 
(what a shit I am).

"USER: BETTSM PWORD: L33THAXX0R ADDRESS: 51 UNION ROAD, CLAPHAM, 
LONDON"

That does it. I hear a door open in the classroom and the sound of an 
twelve year old boy crying and shitting his pants as he runs from the IT 
centre. I delete his account, I doubt he'll ever be back.




Well that concludes this episode of BAFH but if you liked it let me 
know and I might write another few. I can't take any of the credit for 
such a great concept as this and all credit goes to Simon Travaglia, 
who wrote the original series, Bastard Operator From Hell, which you 
can get from www.textfiles.com under the Humour / BOFH section.

Shout outs:
Kleptic, Timeless, snadman, all at #outbreakzine and on DALNET, the 
'Kru' (RIP), DADFAD, HMB, Spin and Shag.

Tune in next time,
Same GPC time,
Same GPC channel,
Same GPC humour,
Different GPC text file.

Peace.

