DefCon 97 Review
                                   by
                              The Vominator
 

  This was the first con I had been to, but having read up on 
what these things were like, I had a pretty good idea what to 
expect.  I showed up friday afternoon at the hotel and walked
around trying to find my friends.  After a few minutes I saw
this guy in the hall pointing a laser in my eye, and lo and 
behold, it was Zeed!  

  Zeed wasn't quite what I expected; I thought she would be a 
short, fat, psycho girl, but he was this teenage guy.  So
I gave up all hopes of scoring with her (I'm not into hims)
the weekend, and proceeded to search for alcohol.  

  We were walking about asking people for beer when I met route;
it may have been the greatest moment of my hacker life because
I spooged right then and there.  Luckily I was able to cover up
my orgasm as a back spasm, so I was not embarassed in front of
my idol.  I asked him when the next Phrack was coming out, and he
told me "fuck you, don't talk to me, don't you know I'm r00t?".
For him to even say that much to me was an experience I won't soon
forget.  

  Soon, Hacker Jeopardy started, and people starting drinking more.
I came really close to getting beer during Hacker Jeopardy but again 
my plans were foiled when everyone I asked told me to go away.

  It was getting late and I had a busy day of alcohol hunting 
saturday so I started asking people if I could sleep in their hotel
room.  Eventually I found Voyager, who told me I could stay with 
him, and so we went over to his hotel room.  I went to sleep and it
was cool, until I woke up and this big black security guard told
me I had to leave.  So I went downstairs to the casino and started
playing slot machines.  I lost $3.75, but then this big black security
guard told me I had to leave.  

  I went back to the conference room and met Dark Tangent.  I asked
him if I could get in for free and he told me to go away.  Then I 
asked him for beer and he laughed at me.  I'm a pretty funny guy.

  People starting talking about technical stuff.  There was this old
hippie named Mudge who was talking out of his ass about something;
it was obvious he was making it all up because I hadn't heard about
any of his supposed hacks on AOL hacker chat.  Then they had some
other people go up and talk about things.  

  They gave away some t-shirts and I got one, but this guy named Def 
Veggie picked me up and shook me upside down until I gave it to him.  He 
told me I had just been Drunkmanned, so I asked him for a beer.  He gave 
me a Def Veggie instead, which I'm not sure whats in it, but next thing I 
knew I was vomiting all over some hacker (I had a reputation to uphold 
after all).  

  The rest of the weekend was pretty much a def veggied blur. I met 
Joe630 and he hugged me, its nice to be loved for being as cool as me.
After that I started to hug more people, but apparently the big black
security guard didn't like to be hugged because that's when he threw
me out of the conference.  Overall, this was the greatest con in history, 
and I will never forget the many friends I made, even if none of them 
would give me a beer.