Sunday, January 11, 2004
Bill Sass
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An Apology from Telus? When pigs fly
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To my valued President and CEO and Proud member of the Telus team
Darren Entwistle:
Thank you for your abject letter of apology, dated December 2003, I
received in the envelope with my phone bill last week. It was a
serendipitous discovery, however.
Your letter was almost lost among the pages of the bill itself as well
as the forest of colourful flyers offering me highly technical
services your company offers, but which I could never understand due
to the fact my right brain is not humming along on all cylinders.
Or is it my left brain? I can never get the two figured out.
One side instinctively knows how to connect the DVD player I got for
Christmas and the other side instinctively knows when it's time to
forget the whole thing and open a beer.
Anyway, both sides of my brain are impressed with your contrition,
although they are a bit puzzled about why you are apologizing to
me.
While I'm sure other people have had their fair share of dealing with
you when you're not at your best, I have not had a problem ever since
I discovered my telephone generally works well if I simply pay the
bill. 
Perhaps my dealings with you company have been generally satisfactory
because I only have one telephone line, although I have several
telephones placed strategically around the house so I don't miss the
call from the furnace-cleaning company when it has its specials.
Oddly, your letter of apology doesn't really mention the word
'telephone' at all, except at the top of the letter where you provide
both your office number and the number of your facsimile, which I
assume has something to do with technology, so I won't get into it.
In case you were wondering, I am not a total Luddite when it comes to
machines. One of your sales representatives sold me several of the
'packages' your company developed to make sure the red light on the
front of the telephone in the kitchen has served the function of
blinking vigorously, non-stop, for nearly five years now. At any rate,
the light has become as much a part of my life as the 'service engine
soon' light on the dashboard of my car. People take comfort in the
familiar and I am as comfortable as anyone.
What were we talking about? Oh yeah, your letter.
You say: "No amount of effort and intellect is being withheld in the
drive to augment your overall experience as a valued customer."
Well, you go get 'em, Darren. While I might be content with the amount
of technology needed to make a red light bulb blink on and off, I'm
sure there are people out there anxiously awaiting installation of
their high-speed Internet service with anti-virus protection and spam
control and emerging broadband applications that you mention.
You guys have sure come a long way since you were just Alberta
Government Telephones. Back in the '70s the government, which owned
the phone system, seemed fixated on making sure that every Albertan
had a single phone line. That, of course, was when we didn't
recognize the benefits of privatizing government stuff to make it more
efficient.
Some people would see a certain irony, then, in your letter of apology
for poor service that, no doubt, resulted from a private enterprise
sense of efficiency when your company laid off an army of people who
were keeping up the level of service in the first place.
Some people would see a certain irony in that, but not Old Billy. Old
Billy is happy with his blinking red telephone light, which is the
highest level of service My Sweetie says I deserve anyway.
Before I sign off, Darren, I do have one little problem, so
insignificant I hesitate to even mention it.
I don't get the pig. I'm sorry. I first saw it at a movie theatre,
where management has discovered people will gladly pay $12 to see
television commercials on the Big Screen and in THX Enhanced Digital
Dolby Supersonic Sound. The pig is certainly cute and I'm sure it has
something to do with emerging broadband applications.
But it doesn't make me think about telephones.
Perhaps it's a signal that you're getting into other sorts of
business, like genetics.
I couldn't help but notice that pictures of your pig depict an animal
whose south end is devoid of all the natural plumbing geegaws usually
associated with creatures of the porker persuasion.
While I'm sure this added (or deleted) feature is more environmentally
friendly than the current, less-enhanced animal, I can't help but
wonder what keeps your new corporate image from blowing up.
At any rate, I wish you the best of luck with both your pig and your
promotions. Sincerely, Bill Sass, valued customer.


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"Yeah, the pig is in the ads to remind you of the gluttonous corporate mofos you
pay off when you pay your bill!" - cybersk4nk

"Telus is like your wife; you know you love her but sometimes she's gotta be slapped
around a bit to be shown who's boss!" - The Clone