While well-known conservative blowhards like Pat Robertson, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh, and William J. Bennett, among others, try to rewrite America’s history with a “Christian” bias, the truth of the matter is that this country’s founding fathers were into things that would’ve made Bill Clinton and JFK blush. For instance, we all know now that Thomas Jefferson raped his slaves (yeah, right, like that Sally Hemmings really had a choice), but Jefferson also invented a hemp machine to process all the weed that he and George Washington grew. Yes, that’s right, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington grew – and no doubt smoked – pot. (Now I wonder what Ronald Reagan’s former drug czar William J. Bennett, who’s advocated beheading drug dealers and even casual drug users and who harshly criticized Bill Clinton for smoking one measly little joint back in college, but, of course, never inhaled, would say about that, huh?). Also, there’s evidence to suggest that George Washington might have fudged his Revolutionary War expenses, which today would no doubt bring an “independent” prosecutor like Kenneth Starr out of the woodwork to spend millions of taxpayer dollars to investigate this along with constant media scrutiny. Thomas Jefferson, like Bill Clinton and Al Gore, would’ve also more than likely been investigated himself for his campaign financing since his constant personal debts would’ve made launching a campaign difficult by today’s standards and would’ve therefore, like Clinton and every other politician in this day and age, had to beg others to fund his presidential campaign (not to mention the fact that Jefferson would’ve no doubt been heavily scrutinized by today’s media, like Clinton, for his various affairs with other women, including, of course, Sally Hemmings). Jefferson, while he was Chief Executive, ran up a wine bill of $10,835, which would be worth more than $103,000 today, something else that would probably draw a lot of attention and concern nowadays. Benjamin Franklin, the founding father who “discovered” electricity by flying a kite during a lightning storm, admitted engaging in what he called “foolish intrigues with low women,” meaning that, basically, he banged anything with breasts. In fact, visitors would often arrive to find Ben having sex with a parlor maid. Moral Ben also wrote essays on how to select a mistress (i.e., pick an older woman) and avoid farting (by drinking perfume). In 1737, he came up with the first formal list of American slang words for drunkenness (he came up with an impressive 228). And, according to a book called Satan’s Assassins written by Brad Steiger and Warren Smith, Ben also dabbled in the occult (maybe that’s where the separation of church and state comes from). Thomas Paine, who wrote the oft-quoted political manifesto “Common Sense,” was apparently so unkempt in his appearance that one contemporary called him “the most abominably dirty being upon the face of the earth.” Paine died dirty, broke and drunk (so much for that old adage “cleanliness is next to godliness,” eh, Dr. Laura?). And, if you think current vice-presidents like Dan Quayle and Al Gore are duds, check out our past vice-presidents: Aaron Burr dueled former Secretary of the Treasury – and ten dollar cover boy – Alexander Hamilton (who resigned from office due to his shady financial dealings, but avoided a scandal by admitting that he had an affair with another man’s wife) and shot him in the groin and thereby killed him on July 11, 1804, while he was still vice-president; both Burr and V.P. John Breckenridge were charged with treason; two other V.P.’s, John Calhoun and John Tyler, almost were charged with treason; another V.P., Schuyler Colfax, was accused of accepting bribes; and one runaway indentured servant – i.e. white slave – who never attended a day of school but wound up as vice president anyway, Andrew Johnson, showed up drunk to his own inauguration. President Andrew Jackson had a parrot named Poll who could curse in both English and Spanish. Poll had to be removed from Jackson’s funeral in 1845 when the parrot wouldn’t stop cursing.

     As for this country’s other presidents, there is now evidence to suggest that our 16th president Abraham Lincoln may have been homosexual. According to reports published in the New York Post, different books published by sex historian C.A. Tripp (no relation to Linda) and noted gay author Larry Kramer, allege that Lincoln had a longstanding love affair with his best friend, Joshua Speed. Kramer claims to have found Speed’s secret diary under the floorboards of a building that once housed Speed’s general store. According to Kramer, Speed wrote the following about Lincoln in his diary: “He often kisses me when I tease him, often to shut me up. He would grab me up by his long arms and hug and hug.” (And just think, if this is true, Dr. Laura would consider Honest Abe, the man who helped abolish slavery in this country, a “biological error”!)

     Even the Puritans, who are known historically as being prudes (they were the ones who invented that whole “scarlet letter” thing), were apparently not so prudish themselves, as they practiced “bundling,” which allowed a couple to share the same bed without marrying; and, by the 1770’s about half of all brides in New England were pregnant at their weddings. Going back to the founding fathers, as for the notion that America was intended as some sort of “special Christian nation,” as Pat Robertson and Dr. Laura would have us believe, well, like nearly everything else that we’ve been told about the origins of this country – and especially the men who “founded” this country (although the Indians were here before we were) - that’s not, in reality, the truth. But, instead of discussing it myself, I believe I’ll let our “founding fathers” speak for themselves (with one or two other presidents thrown in for good measure)…

     “The United States is in no sense founded upon the Christian doctrine.” – George Washington

     “It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.” – Thomas Jefferson

     “I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.” – Thomas Paine

     “I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.” – Thomas Jefferson

“The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma.” – Abraham Lincoln

     (Quotes as listed in the books Salvation for Sale, by Gerard Thomas Straub, and The Real Frank Zappa, by the late, great Frank Zappa.)

     Now what WAS all this self-righteous bullshit about Bill Clinton lying to the American public about getting a blowjob from Monica Lewinsky?