by Greg Heitz
© 1999 by Greg Heitz Artwork © 1999 by R.L. Crabb
College will be an important time in your life. Most people, including your parents, will think you'll get a quality education and experience living on your own. Yes, that may happen, but you can also become a rich and popular student by throwing the best house parties at your school. Forget about waiting for your degree to get a nice paying job... start now by reading this article. I attended Winona State University in Winona, Minnesota, from 1987 to 1992 and lived at the Gray House (named for — big surprise — the house color). For four years, I hosted parties on a weekly basis and our average party size was at least 200 people. I couldn't have done it alone, however. First, I must acknowledge all my attendees for handing me their hard-earned summer wages to pay the admission to my fabulous parties. Without them, my house would have been a typical off-campus property... run down, mice-infested, and high-rent. Also, my partner and roommates must be thanked as their assistance was appreciated as my parties became the main event at our school. In fact, the college admissions went up during my five years and I never received commissions. There goes my annual pledge to the alumni committee.Winona is a small town of approximately 25,000 and the university has close to 7,000 students. This meant nothing to do on the weekends for underage college students, which signaled a big dollar sign for me. Because the school had few sororities and fraternities, attending house parties seemed to be the only avenue for entertainment. After seeing how lousy parties were run my freshman year, I had no choice but to enter the business of party throwing.
By selling alcohol and other related items at your highly attended parties, you can make money like you never have before. Just imagine... no more tossing burgers, sweeping floors, or bagging dead dogs at an animal hospital. (Seriously, that was my first job.) If you are prepared to be the best party host in your school, read on, my friend.
Ready, set…
Once you assemble your team, it's easy to become the best. Start by finding a house near the dorms. This is crucial, especially in the winter months. Your partygoers will want to walk as little as possible. They're lazy! They want to get to a house quickly to start drinking and back home fast to pass out. If possible, buy a house. You'll avoid all possible problems with your landlord. This is also a good investment on your behalf, and you could even make money off your roommates. However, if you aren't fortunate enough to do this, don't worry... renting will be just fine.
When you decide on a party house and meet your landlord for the first time, dress like a nerd. Keep your zits visible, grow some peach fuzz, and comb your hair straight. This is simply a tactic to fool your landlord into thinking he will be renting to a group of non-partiers. Ask questions like, "Where is the library?" and "Do people around the neighborhood play loud music?" At this point, your landlord will be licking his chops to get you as a renter.
Most landlords try to scare you with their contracts about house parties. That's why you will need to become a loophole detective. Ours stated "no kegs in the house," which meant on nights we thought he might be driving around, we kept the kegs in the trunk of our car or in our neighbor's yard and served via pitchers. Don't worry. Most landlords don't check up on you and have no reason to stop by. In addition, they often need to give you twenty-four hours notice to come into your house. Your landlord may get pissed that you're a smart-ass, but remember, he's not your friend. Other clauses may appear in your contract about parties, but there is no reason to follow them because if you do get caught (which is unlikely) it will cost the landlord thousands of dollars to take you to court and it will take a year to get a court date. (You'll be gone and in another house by then.) All they want to do is get you evicted, which will be no skin off your back. No fines can be issued.
If you just can't find any loopholes and you feel your landlord is watching you every weekend, still throw your house parties. Become your landlord's friend on off-party nights. It may kill you, but do it. Keep your house clean and neat. Do extra work around the property so your landlord thinks you're improving the dump. He'll be more lenient if you get caught and may look the other way.
Party time
When you throw your parties, create a fun, profitable, and attractive house so your partygoers will come back week after week. Some ideas you may want to consider:
To be the most popular, advertising is critical. Do not put anything on paper. Instead, advertise using the "yell and scream" method. This was the best marketing concept we created in our party career. We would walk through the dorms about an hour before dinner. That's when most students are in their rooms making plans for the evening. We would go through every floor yelling and screaming about our party. We had people looking out of their rooms and coming to see us for details. It worked great. Another prime spot is the cafeteria, which is loaded with customers. Walk around and make yourself known so people come to you and ask if a party is going on. Be loud when responding. You want to make sure the next table hears the details. I would suggest keeping a meal plan while living off campus. Consider it an investment in advertising.
After your house is prepared and advertising is complete, it's show time. Charge an affordable price for a bottomless cup — $3 to $4 is fine. Based on where you live, you may increase this price. I charged three dollars in Winona, where the keg costs were $35 to $45. A 200-person party brought in around $600 in sales. Obviously, this is where the bulk of your profits will be, so shop accordingly and get as many discounts as you can with keg prices. Mark your party cups, which you'll receive free from the liquor store, on the bottom. A simple black line is prudent. This will avoid people sneaking a cup into your party. Don't let anyone in the party unless he buys a cup. You need that space for paying customers. Keep your cup line moving fast by having plenty of change. Buy a good beer for the first two kegs and then a cheaper beer. After partygoers have been drinking they don't care what it is as long as they can keep a buzz. Four kegs should be acceptable for a 200-person party. Partygoers realize you need to make money, but don't rip them off. Buy another keg if need be, but remember each one you buy will diminish your profits. Place the kegs in two areas of your house, preferably the main level and in the basement. This will avoid congestion. Make sure you have working beer taps, too. Nothing is worse than a house full of people without a functioning beer tap.
To keep the customers happy when the beer runs out, provide some extra amenities, such as a shot bar and beer machine. You won't hear a lot of complaints about generic liquor shots, because your partygoers are really inexperienced when it comes to fine spirits. Keep the bar at a popular location in your house and have a trustworthy person run it, such as a girlfriend of a roommate. A buck a shot is a good price, which will lead to $50 to $100 in sales per party. In addition, supply canned beer via a soda machine. Fill it with cheap beer and charge a buck. This requires no maintenance from you, except when you refill after the party.
Watch Out
Because of your success, partygoers will try to screw you out of profits by attempting a party scam. I've seen many during my career and the top three are as follows:
During a party your house may experience some abuse. Some damage is accidental, and some on purpose. The most commonly damaged items are windows, curtains and blinds, and shelving. If someone purposely breaks a window, it will be unlikely you'll ever find out who did it, which means you'll be out $20. However, if you see someone who breaks one, charge a little extra to cover some of those lost fees. He will be too embarrassed to complain.
Don't make it easy for the cops
Avoiding the cops was another reason why we became the best. This will be the most important task during your parties. You must prepare your house properly to avoid a bust. Make it look like you're having a "Movie Rental Night." First, don't tell every Tom, Dick, and Harry about your party. Keep your advertising within your school. Never put your party on paper. It could get in the wrong hands and cause you future problems. Don't worry about school security. The party is not on campus so they won't even bother investigating. Second, don't have a searchlight shining in the sky for guidance to your bash. Keep the outside of your house dark. Patrons usually travel in a group and if one can't find the house the others will. If you have blinds or drapes, close them. If your house doesn't have these luxuries, use a blanket or towel to avoid exposure. Close all the windows and if need be buy a window air conditioner to keep your partygoers comfortable. Finally, most importantly, don't have people hang around the outside of your house. This could be the "smoking gun" to the cops. Once partygoers arrive, get them in, and when they leave, keep them moving into another neighborhood.
In the unlikely event of the cops showing up at your door, you or your roommates must hide the kegs, cups, and money. A perfect spot is the trunk of your car. Cease your T-shirt and shot sales, all video games, and make sure the beer machine is unplugged. Also, have your roommates or a friend keep everybody quiet as you go meet the uninvited guests. Go out your back door and meet them at the front door. They have no reason to enter your house because they can't see anything illegal. Keep them outside and mention you're having a birthday party for a friend and it got a little loud when opening the gag gifts. The cops will put two and two together and may know you're telling a fib, but they can't enter your house without a search warrant. They may try to bait you into saying something about your party, but play dumb. In my four years, I have never seen or heard of a search warrant for a party complaint. You'll most likely get a warning and a lecture about the consequences of serving to minors and serving without a license. After you yawn through their educational speech you'll need to end the party if your partygoers aren't going to improve their behavior. Nothing upsets a cop more than returning to your house. If they do get called back, you'll get a ticket for being a public nuisance. That carries a fine of $50 to $100. This is a walk in the park compared to what you'll be making at parties. We only received two tickets in my four years and if you follow my advice, you'll have none.
If you don't follow my advice and you do get a ticket, obviously have it issued to one person. If the cops want all roommates present, say they're not home and you're responsible for the party. To plan for which roommate will "talk to the cops," rotate each week. If a ticket has been issued to a roommate, he is then out of future rotations. This is a great way to keep the fines to a minimum, which will at least double if a previous ticket has been issued to you or a roommate.
The Numbers
Admissions: It is hard to put a number on how many people went through my doors. We estimated the average party size at 200 people. This figure for 144 parties brings our total attendance to 28,800.
Income: Of the 28,800 people that entered my house, I would guess about 26,000 paid for cups, taking into account the ones we gave away. With a $3 charge, that comes to $78,000 in sales. By dividing that between my roommates, our take was $19,500 per person total, or $4,875 per year per person. This doesn't include all the video game, shot bar, beer machine, and party attire sales. I would expect that the profit from those sales covered our keg costs. In addition, I drank for free.