I have had twelve years experience caring for my late elderly father and my invalid mother in my own home.My mother, Joy, is almost totally incapacitated and caring for her is a full time job but the hardest part of it is the ignorance of the rest of my family who can't get along with me and use this as an excuse for not helping out.It's not just that I could do with a day off occasionally but more the fact that Mum can't understand why she doesn't see anyone anymore (among other things she has dementia and isn't too aware of her situation). The thing is that God knows I would give my eye teeth to go out for the day and have nothing to do with them while they visited Mum for her sake. Except for her "funny days" she is very accepting and agreeable and although my work is constant it mostly involves monitoring which any one of her other 5 children could surely handle one day a year at least. Recently I have tried to communicate with two of my brothers and their wives and have found that, while I am worlds apart from them they do have a need to heal the rift but are incapable of knowing how. I have given them little jobs to do which, so far, they have complied with willingly. This indicates to me that, while I might expect more from them, they are unable to comprehend our needs and so are unable to help without being told what to do. Lately I have been trying to communicate our needs more in order to form some kind of relationship for Mum's sake and to give them an opportunity to contribute financially since their time is not available. While I easily recognised my duty towards my parents and did something about it, my siblings felt no such call. We all have different morals and I have to accept that. The many emails I get from people all over the world reflect a trend for one member of the family to be saddled with the responsibility of caring for the parents, and even worse, often this care is ignored entirely. In the beginning I suppose I took on more than I could chew and my many sacrifices can never be retrieved after 12 years but as I eventually found out, there are other compensations and now there are reasons I do this. While I have been spiritually growing someone has been looking after me for I have wanted for nothing during this time and in the process I've given my mother a happy comfortable life. A life which would not have lasted very long in a nursing home because she would have been miserable and would have fretted her life away. (Having dementia she does not understand that she is incapacitated and elderly. Being away from me for periodic respite is like a jail sentence to her despite the excellent care she gets.) I may not have finished up at the end of the path I thought I wanted but the direction I took was chosen for me in order to get done something I had to do. In the process of burning off this karma I have gained more than I ever dreamed of. |